yoga

Mulahadhara work

So I was having an argument in my head with one of my clients, for some reason, this is my means of working out issues. Little did I know what was going to come up.

We were talking about a recent issue, namely my failures, that resulted in her being left by the wayside. As the argument progressed, I realized what one of my abso-huge major issues is…well, not really, I’ve known this for a while, and have vaguely put it into words here.

Every day, I am setting myself aside and asking others “What can I do for you?” “How can I help you?” It always ends in “you”. I never ask, “What can I do for myself?” “How can I help me?” And the rare times that I do, I end up on my ass at home doing nothing – which of late, includes my asanas. It’s been a long time (Pastry visits not included), since someone really said, “FC, what can I do for you? Really, just name it.” And it came from the heart.

I am my own housekeeper, schedule keeper (not including my asbso-fab former asst), shopper, boss, employee, friend, chauffeur, banker, you name it, I’m it. But I’m not my own caretaker. Least, not in a way that allows me to really, truly relax. It’s partly a trust issue, repeatedly being dropped on my head by people who were allowed in, has kinda made that door the envy of Alice in Wonderland. And it’s caused me to slack off in that regard as well. Saying I’ll do things and then take forever to get them done. I’m trying to work on the latter, but the former is going to take a bulldozer and a wrecking ball.

I need to get over it, and do that whole bootstraps bullshit. But quite honestly, I’d love to throw the bootstraps away, or flog whoever came up with that idea with them. If I had the money, I’d pay someone to make me tomato soup with a grilled cheese, so I can curl up all day in bed.

6 more months.

Imbas Forosnai

I am sorely in need of inspiration. I feel drained, dead, and grasping as weak straws to pull myself up out of this hole. Honestly, I feel worse inside than the weather looks right now. I feel the pull to write, but few things emerge from my fingers even though the thoughts in my head are swirling around like a vanilla/chocolate pudding cup.

Direction, currently lacking and focus is about as tame as a golden retriever in a park….Oh shiny! Oh wait! Duck….no, SQUIRREL!!!! Yeah. I know this means transition, and transition is good even though it means slipping and sliding through mud to get to the water to clean it all off.

My parents are helpful, but I still feel like the worthless child who has capacity for greatness then fails miserably at every turn.

I wish the gov’t would hurry up and approve Pastry’s visa. One less thing to be in the back of my mind and haunting me.

I see the world around me, knowing that this is transition, but knowing that it could also go in the way that no one wants to see. Revolution seems to be the word of the day, and while I had hoped it would be at the ballot box, it seems that it will not occur in that location, but in a much worse manner than anyone had thought. It’s going to cause a lot of good people to question themselves and make choices they wish they had never needed to consider. And I hate the fact that I think this way.

Further and further down the rabbit hole…

Peeling back the layers…

My habits have been slow in coming, but in reflection of the last couple of weeks I’m finding it to not be like massage school, where the layers were peeled back. Instead of removing layers, this seems more akin to a cherry pitter, poking directly into the source and working its way out. This is the first time, in a long time, where tears just come. Normally, that is the result of seeking the result, either through repeated viewing of sad movies or listening to emotion evoking music. But it’s nice, to feel a tear, and not feel like it’s trying to stay in my tear ducts. I know I’m shutting a lot of pain up inside, my writing has been clogged (as the emptiness of this journal shows) and I feel like I’ve stunted myself in some way. The words don’t flow in the rivers previously known, nor do they just attach to the paper I carry with me. I’m still trying to get past that period where I always had someone questioning what I wrote and not leaving it simply as me expressing myself.

Since I wrote this and figured it was too long…

Yoga and other stuff

Already running into issues. I am not a morning person lately and working back to finding my natural sleeping habits. My regular morning ritual and the one I’m trying to shift to are at odds, which means waking up earlier – which obviously is not happening. I have been betting my Pranayama and meditation in, but last night I only ran through about 4 sets of C series sun salutations. They did feel good, but they happened before I went to bed, which is why I didn’t include A or B series. The storm of last week came through before I had any type of habit and I defaulted into the pot of coffee.

The nice thing, is that my poetry is starting to come back, so I’m really hoping the mass quantity of journals I carry right now will result in a means to write. Otherwise, when I have the laptop with me, I’ll just write in offline mode, I guess.

I am less stressed with the pending arraignment. The lawyer that rubberella referred me to is awesome, and I am quite happy with my choice and the fact he could meet with me the day after our phone conversation. It put me quite at ease, considering he was looking at all those ordinances with eyes other than mine. There’s also a good chance for Massage Therapists in Atlanta, but I’m not going to get ahead of myself.

Anyway, my habits are coming along, slowly. I just wish I was more of an early morning person and not a late morning person. Even went to sleep at 9.30pm last night, but apparently my body is in recovery mode. That meant 12 full hours of sleep, to my cats’ dismay. Lexus was quite irritated with me this morning, that I didn’t get up at 8am.

Yoga

So, the next 4 months are going to be seriously committed to yoga. More than likely, if I do write anything, semi-publically, it’ll probably be about that. So fore-warning. I’m predicting most of it will be under a cut to save you guys, some is going to be under the inner sanctum locks and some probably won’t be written here at all.

I’m also going to be taking long breaks from technology, with the exception of communicating with my immediate family and reading from time to time. So if I miss something, please email or text it to me. I do want to keep up with you all, but this is going to be some intense inner work. I’m really hoping to get over the last remaining issues of my 20s and early 30s, since I want to go into my mid-late 30s and 40s without all that residual anger.

If you all are interested in a yoga filter, let me know and I’ll create one. That way those who want to read my spoutings can, and those who don’t can miss it. This goes for Fb’ers as well, because I can cross post to filters, there.

This weekend was wonderful. Stared out the window at work a lot, then Sunday, my Scotsman took time out of his housework schedule to take me out for a date day. It was great. I love being able to go out and spend an entire day just talking to him. He took me to see Letters from Iwo Jima, and I have to say, Ken Watanabe has officially replaced Sean Connery as my favourite older actor. He did a wonderful job in this movie, as did the man who played 1st Lt. Nishi. Afterwards, we went out for Japanese (how typical), but it does give me a greater appreciation for the culture, even though some of the things they did in the name of the Emperor. Afterwards, it was out to a cafe for dessert and coffee. We just sat and talked about my fears, things we want in life and a few other things….like how to get around that whole kid issue. 😉 But I do have to say, I very much appreciate my Scotsman. As odd as our set-up is, it works and it’s low-key and we take care of each other. The last couple of weeks he’s been my rock, as I try to integrate the latest knowledge of myself into the rest of me. He’s let me have my time, down to the fact that I spent all of yesterday out of the house, while he took care of house chores. He knew I needed the decompression time from my life and from work, so he let me take what I needed. With that said, I went to my first Kundalini class last night. OMG, that stuff is amazing!!!! I actually got my hip and shoulder to open up some more, granted, I’m sore as hell, but it was nice. 2 hours of ritual yoga, complete with chanting, singing, breathwork and asanas. Yummy! It really wakes up your senses, in fact, my throat chakra is much more open now. Spent the bulk of the time chanting, so it ended up very activated, and it’s very happy right now. Hell, even my Jits today was on spot, I became aware of a lot of stuff, to the point I managed to best one of our purple belts. I think if I keep this up, I’ll be totally ready for Pan-Ams. And honestly, I’m pretty happy I shut down my IMs. I’m half-way through Chapter 2 of my Danish, and it’s all clicking for me. Not to mention, the tummy stuff is slowly being resolved, as is the anxiety problems I’ve had.