growth

Sitting at the cafe around the block from my office, finished the Ikea run and since that put me by Target, ran by there too for the dry goods. Outside of a slight pain coming from my kidney area (can’t tell if it’s just low back pain or actual kidney issues), I’m feeling pretty well.

I’ve started the “bed” collection in the form of an envelop on the fridge, since that is the most expensive thing I need to purchase, out of all the house stuffs. Contemplating getting rid of the current bed frame to lower the bed and keep the cats from being under it.

Yeah, exciting, isn’t it? Last night, went out and hung with psychosu & co. for trivia at NRT. Was great fun and joy, lots of fun, will put that on the calendar for the days I don’t have to wake up on Fridays (hey look, I stayed up past midnight on a school night!!!). In 2 weeks I will be barreling down some rapids and mountains. Then 2 weeks from my return I will be on a plane back to France. *bouncebouncebounce* Will give me a chance to actually explore more. Just need to get French Toast to translate me an email to the instructors at the 2 academies located in Paris, to see what their training schedules are like. Lots of fun stuff on the horizon, the words “can’t wait” and “excited” just don’t adequately describe it to my satisfaction but I guess they’ll work if you add “x10” to each.

I’ve had the opportunity to do a lot of thinking lately, re-evaluations of my perceptions and thoughts. Some are changing, some are staying the same, and some are being dropped completely. I guess you could say that the next chapter of my life is in full swing and the introduction paragraphs have been written. Now, to expand the plot.

I looked into your eyes, deep into the depths of my soul and found myself amidst the darkness. Smiling as the winds of anger swirled around me, unscathed. Laughing at all that was and will never be again. Finding myself free within your love, drowning in a happiness all too easily forgotten. ~Tummanq

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Congratulations, Scorpio. You’ve reached the end of the Big Squeeze. You’ve served your time in the bottleneck. And so I invite you to relax your pinched expression, loosen up your puckered expectations, and let the Season of Experiments begin. According to my projections, you will soon be receiving a host of invitations to wander into the frontier with your raw sense of wonder turned up all the way. Please research each invitation thoroughly before choosing. When you’ve decided which adventures are most likely to enhance your understanding of the art of liberation, dive in.

FreeWill Astrology

Woohooo!!!!! That said, yes, I have quite a few adventures lined up, main one dealing with stupid Delta raising their prices all of a sudden (hope they go down next week, again). In two weeks I am off to conquer the white waters of the Ocoee and as I mentioned that there are good bike trails up there, the stage manager is up there this weekend to check them out, and arrange for a biking trip for Friday or Sunday. Grrrrrrrrrr. Training yesterday was AWESOME!!!! Too bloody sore today, absolutely loving it.

I love BJJ, I am addicted to it, and every day that I am not in the gym a part of my just dies at the idea of not being there. Yeah, the obvious thing is to just show up, but that’s where the issue lies. I lack the passion. I don’t know if it’s from training burn-out, or drama burn-out. But the fact is, I’m not having fun when I drag my ass out of bed in the morning and consider whether or not I will leave for the gym.

The best times I’ve had, have been on the beach with my teammates, sparring with each other just to say we did it. One of my training partners attempting take-downs at the office I work in, or getting lost on the way to the other academy.

I could point fingers and make the claims of what I know is my real issue, but that would be pointless. Fact is, I find no joy at this gym, outside of the few training partners I have respect and appreciation for.

I had this same issue when I made the choice to retire from gymnastics, and this is a bit different. While I’m definitely going to take a hiatus from competitions for a while (despite my desire to compete at the European Nationals), I just need to find a place where I can rediscover the enjoyment of the sport, and it’s not with this family.

The last couple of years, for me, were draining, physically and emotionally. I’m in recovery mode, and in some ways I’m fully recovered, and in others I’m still healing.

Regardless, I’ll be contacting the instructors around my next few trips and seeing if I can fit their schedules to mine. That said, I wish I was in Denmark. The team there is awesome and I would love to spend more than one day training with them. I could easily regain my focus and maybe come back and rejoin the family. But as it stands…. *sigh* I miss my brothers. That is all I miss.

I need to reset my work boundaries, again, as I believe I have over-booked myself today. As much as I loved having the 3-day weekend, not having yesterday has made today a bit too hectic and I’m actually worried that I won’t make it everywhere I need to go, today, on-time and do the things I need to do. Thankfully, it means next week will be better spread out. At this point, I think I’m going to limit work to the doc’s office on Tuesdays, so I’m not driving there, driving to Buckhead, then driving back. Monday will be available for my office. This will not be cool for one of my clients, but I need to make sure that I don’t over-extend myself and find myself working all the time. Fastest means to burn out and hate my life. Not interested in doing that, again. Plus, I still need to get back into training mode, at least on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then again, I need to find a desire to train, I’m feeling less than thrilled with the idea of going to Jiu Jitsu, lately. Lack of decent training partners is one of the biggest things, heeps of disrespect by the main instructor is the other. And knowing that this whole thing is disappointing my Professor makes me feel ill and weighs me down.

I want to yell and scream at the top of my lungs, but all I can do is cry, out of anger, and beat down the internal walls that silence my voice.

And right now, there is nothing to soothe the savage beast.

So, I’m happily seated at the ‘Bou down in Buckhead. I ended up having a split day today, with about 2-3 hours between my last morning client and my only afternoon client. I really like this kind of pace, at it allows me to actually be out and enjoy the day. It also means I’m not overly pissed at myself for putting in an 8 day work week, because the only days that are/have been slammed were Wednesday, Friday and tomorrow. Otherwise, this next week is fairly open and laid back. Even resulting in me having all Monday afternoon off, and pretty much all of Tuesday and Wednesday (one client on T & W, each). That should give me enough time to stop by the Terra Cotta soldier exhibit, get the oil changed in my car, as well as the tire fixed and transmission fluid changed.

I’m still dealing with a bit of jet-lag, eyes still get crunchy and I’m ready to crash by around 6ish now. Mornings are still a bitch, which means I might just have to redo my schedule and just move my mornings more towards the late morning/early afternoon.

All that said, I’m really hoping the new set-up will encourage me to get back to my writing and some of the other things I enjoy. But I do admit, I am finding I much prefer the working a couple of hours a day, every day, with a couple of days being really busy – over the 5-6 slammed days. The business itself is coming along, next month I’ll be able to start opening up to take more clients and do all the marketing stuffs as I’m mostly organized and into a slight routine on that end.

I’ve come to my conclusion on the gym drama and have put together my contingency plan, so no stress over that, anymore.

Last night’s realization:

I pursue emotionally unavailable men, probably because I am emotionally unavailable for those who are overly emotional. Has something to do with trying to deal with my own emotional baggage. But I perpetuate the circle, and that leaves me feeling completely isolated and unsatisfied.

I’m falling off the bandwagon of positivity.  I realized it at work today, and my other therapist laughed at me.  But I guess that is positive.  Hehehehehe.  As my favourite perverted Brit said today, "This too shall pass."  And he is ohhhhhhhh so right.  😀