Author: Saille

Who am I? On the surface I'm a nature-loving dirt worshipping hippy in search of a good adrenaline rush. That's all I have for now.

Adventures in being environmentally friendly

So, I took MARTA today.  I bought a 10-trip pass, figuring it’ll be useful for the airport trips, and then maybe a day of non-car work.  Took me a little under an hour, which is fine.  Since I now know when to expect the bus to come by our house, instead of waiting for 30 minutes for it.  The down-side, which I failed to understand from the website, is that there are no bus to bus transfers.  Bus to rail, yes, and free, but not bus to bus.  So, 2 of my 10 trips are gone.  The airport run will be 1 trip, since I’m taking a bus then the rail.  In trying to figure the logistics, I was thinking that a 7-day unlimited will more than pay for itself for the 3 days I don’t have to train, and can take MARTA in.  Otherwise, I can snag a 30-day pass, and again, those 3 days a week will more than pay for my trip.  The only issue, is having the money to pay for those passes.  :/

The other option, is to hop the bus to Lindbergh, then hop the train to the Buckhead station (it’s less of a walk, from Lindbergh – takes me 30 minutes to walk – not including a supplies basket).  Oh well, we shall see.  Since I’d have to figure out the logistics again, once I move.

EDIT:  I keep opening my workroom closet and smelling cat spray/piss.  :/  It’s on my suitcase.  Thankfully, though, it’s not on my clothes….yet.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

This is one of those rare times when your empathy could undo you unless you adhere to the following guidelines. 1. Squelch any attraction you might have to fascinating ruins, sexy decay, or appalling beauty. 2. If you have been sucked into the sphere of a good-looking monster or seductive tyrant, yank yourself free. 3. Break your gaze the instant you sense you’re falling under the sway of a flaming narcissist. 4. Suppress the temptation to think this thought: “I’m bored with my hell; I want to hang out in your hell for a change.”

Yeah, I know I’m late on this. Had other things to take care of. I think this is a good one, for the stuff I’m working on, internally. Least, what I’ve started to work on, which deals more with #2 than any of the others, though #4 comes in a close second. I think I’ll be ok and will survive the changes I’m about to enact. But we shall see. If only I could develop unwavering faith in myself.

In the event my air travel friendly friends were interested (or if you just want some amusement or potential insight), TSA has come up with a blog. Where you can speak your mind, ask questions, or compliment the staff.

TSA Blog

However, the closed the thread about inconsistencies. Much to my chagrin, as I wanted to address the fate of my Leatherman P2.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

A heterosexual man who is seeking a partner often doesn’t want a woman to be complete unto herself; he hopes she’ll feel inadequate and lost without him. Similarly, many hetero women demand that their men be absolutely dependent on them. Those of the gay persuasion aren’t necessarily any different; quite a few also prefer their consorts to be unable to thrive alone. But there are also plenty of people who want their intimate relationships to be an alliance of strong, equal, independent partners. Where do you stand on this issue, Scorpio? It’s an ideal time for you to cultivate a longing for a bond in which you are complete unto yourself and your partner is complete unto himself or herself.

FreeWill Astrology

Ummmmmmmmm. Wow. The boy is back on top of things again….

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

In his book Starbucked, Taylor Clark claims there is a woman who goes into a Seattle Starbucks every day during the morning rush and orders a “decaf single grandé extra vanilla two-percent extra caramel 185-degrees with whipped cream caramel macchiato.” Maybe her request seems overly fussy and demanding, but in the next 12 days I encourage you to be equally as exacting in asking for what you want. You have a poetic license to be extremely specific as you go about your quest for fulfillment.

FreeWill Astrology

I can’t have what I want, so I’m not going to bother with asking for it.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Actor Cary Grant said he didn’t necessarily advocate making love constantly. “Who can do it all the time?” he asked. “Though I do try.” Your assignment in the coming weeks, Scorpio, as revealed by the astrological omens, is to attempt what Grant aspired to: Do the wild thing as much as possible. Get busy before breakfast on the kitchen table and on your mid-morning break in the closet. Duck out of work early so you can get your freak on. Get a hundred more strokes and licks and kisses in before bedtime. Et cetera. And if you don’t have a lover to help you out in this noble cause, then boink the wind, screw the sky, hump your dreams, make love to the universe.

FreeWill Astrology

Ya know…..I’m not even going to touch this one, unless it involves copious amounts of violence.

Down the rabbit hole we go…

Nothing says “teh suck” like living through the plauge and now having insomnia.  I have a lot of crap going through my head, job-related, but as normal mostly home related.  I’m not going to try and explain my attachment to my roommate, as even I can’t define it for myself.  My ex seemed to be under the impression that everything dealt with my desire to be with him – as in “a couple”.  However, that doesn’t even touch it, as I readily admit that the attachment (like almost all of my other attachments) has nothing to do with sex – as my ex seemed to think.  montieth and I have been through a lot together, he has helped me grow in so many ways, I can’t even begin to list them.  Normally, in cases of the teacher/student, the student would be ready to go out into the world and either become a teacher, or find a new one to take them to the next level.  This is vastly different. as I think there is a much deeper bond, least on my end, than the student/teacher bond.

So, needless to say, any ripple that echoes through the relationship, that brings some sort of change, brings me a lot of pain.  I don’t expect the friends of his, who don’t know me, to understand this.  I can’t say I appreciate some of the crap they’ve spewed to him, in regards to this, but to each their own.  But this is the source of my constant state of depression.  Knowing that my foundation is crumbling apart and that I have to fix it.

The one we’ve come up with, is for me to move out.  Well, not my ideal fix, but it will definitely fix the problem.  Unfortunately, it creates a new problem – namely, it further removes me from the outside world.  Of all the people that I can honestly say I know, I know myself.  I know, that if I move into my own place, I will shut myself away, stay on my side of town and those who see me less will see me even fewer times.  I’ve managed to keep up with most people, through here, but they will lose their connection to me, as I’m already writing less and less, as the days go by and after a move out, will probably cease writing here completely, for a while.  I’m trying to wrap my head around everything, so that, when the day comes I can be better prepared.  But how do you wrap your brain and psyche around completely losing the person you gave your soul to?  I know there are people out there, who will never be able to understand what I mean by this, given my relationship philosophies and how I view love and intimacy.  But, I did.  montieth is the only person I’ve allowed all the way in.  He’s the one that sees the darkest sides of me, up close and personal and sees the tormented hell that I actually exist in.  How do you rearrange your being, to know that the person you allow that to, wants to cast you as far away as possible?

I know there’s a cotton candy way to couch all of this, but that doesn’t change the basis reality of the whole situation.  Because I let him all the way in, it’s become a liability for him and because it’s a liability, I have to go.  That realization hurts me, because I know he doesn’t feel the same way.  Least, it’s not felt as deeply.  Normally, it’s something I can accept and be comfy with, but for some reason this is not one of those times…. 

I think I liked life a lot more when I was in college. At least, then, I knew everything was temporary, and didn’t expect anything to last longer than a semester. Now, I’m living in a home, that’s obviously not my home anymore. It’s just a nice storage box for my things.

I’m sitting here, at home. Wishing I knew if I was contagious or not, because I’d much rather be watching a seminar with my teammates at our sister gym, then sitting around, and letting my mind wander into the “I’m not wanted around here anymore” territory. Half of me just wants to pack everything up and leave, the other half just no longer gives a shit and wants to wallow in misery. If anything, being sick has proven to me, how much I have let things go, I feel more like a dog in this house, than anything. Though, I think a dog would get more credit in going to fetch things, than I have. But hey, I guess I could just consider this payback on all those “taken for granted” conversations and leave it at that, call things even and be done with it all.

But reality sinks in, and that dark hole swallows me, making me realize, that if I do leave, I will be gone. I admit on a daily basis, how I’ve thrown away all my friends here. Not purposely, just in that lives get busy, and that’s the way things go sometimes. When I started this year, my goal was to put together my list of friends that I wanted to spend, at least, once a month with – playing catch-up – and I haven’t done it yet. So far, I’ve only managed to get out to ZA once, where I inadvertently insulted thegreyman‘s gf (I really wasn’t meaning that, since I consider what was being described as being psycho, not insane – but that’s beside the point). And ended up sitting next to someone I can’t stand, professionally or personally. :-/

I’m trying to get myself to a better place, mentally, restructure my support group, so I can move on and follow my dreams. I’m not doing so hot, but only because I don’t stop to smell the roses more. I think I’m going to do that after Pan-ams. Been talking about taking some time off of competitions, maybe after this tournament season, so I’m not constantly training for one, or spending money on them. I’m not burned out, yet, but my soul is gasping for air.

Anyway, for those of you, who I have expressed interest in having lunch, dinner, brunch, coffee, etc, please respond with days that are good for you, in the next coming months (all comments are screened). I know it sucks to “schedule” crap, and I hate it, but if I don’t I’ll overbook myself. My goal is to make it out to brunch at least once a month, when my schedule permits, I’ll post when I will be there. Thanks to this illness, I’ve promised my Sundays to the office, but that doesn’t guarantee I will have clients. I want to go tomorrow, but I have no clue exactly how contagious I still am (which is the whole reason I’m still home right now).

Also, any girls up for a girls night in? Or something? I’ve fallen by the wayside in taking physical care of myself (meaning, shaving, facial care, nails, etc) and it really doesn’t help my mental stability.