Month: July 2007

I am feeling slightly accomplished. This morning I updated my American Airlines ff miles account, set up one for Delta, checked out how I can earn miles. 😀 Made it to the gym at 9.30 for an hour of technique training, made it to work, on time. Had a good conversation with my boss that was completely stress-free for the both of us, emailed my Mum, and now I’m slowly working my way through my milk-shit (yogurt) covered strawberries, blackberries and granola.

This is the second day I’ve tried the yogurt, and I’m happy to say that I haven’t gotten sick off of it yet. If I can make it through the batch I bought, I might try the Activia stuff. I’m happy to say that I’m doing good at trying new things, though, much to the chagrin of my teammates, I will never try bananas again, without something to cover up the taste and smell.

Yesterday was spent with my little sister, avelith. It was good quality time to get her school clothes and talk about the stuff she wants to talk about. She’s excited, because she gets to go to the Family Values Tour concert in the couple of weeks. I figure, if this one goes well, I’ll see if her parents will let her come to the Saturday night performance for ProgPower, next year. And maybe Friday and Saturday the next year.

Oh yeah, and I was invited to start the black belt program at the gym, as well as instructor’s training. Next step, talk to the yoga center and see what their certification program entails and my yogi, to see if she has classes on other nights. 😀

Regaining control over things again. Shoulders are releasing and I’m finding it easier to acclimate to various decisions and desires. Hell, my sex drive is starting to return, which is an odd occurance. Though, it’s manifesting more as writing release than it is a physical release. I’m re-discovering the ecstacy of having a breeze blow across my skin, than the connection of two bodies. Maybe this is more in the means of the Nature/King consumation of earlier times, where the marriage was between he, who would determine the fruitfulness of the earth, and she who would provide for the tribe.

I’m finding myself exploring the realms that I haven’t touched yet. One being a lingering issue of abandonment. It never dawned on me that my issues with people have to do with not feeling let down by them, but the fact that I feel abandoned by them when they fail to live up the expectations they set forth with me. Which, in turn has led to me not holding to my own word, in some instances – not for lack of failure to want to provide, but through moving on a different time line than those, to whom I’ve promised. This is the main reason why I’ve been such a loner, due to the fact that I decided early on that the only person I could truly trust to get stuff done, was myself. As a result, trust issues developed with other people, expectations were not realized and thus I felt let down and abandoned.

My trip away helped me with a few of these. I had to trust people, and I was lucky enough to have been in the company of those who lived up to that trust, and in turn assisted me in stepping up to their expectations of trust. I still have a ways to go, and my mum has offered to help me get counselling for all of this. I haven’t had the time to research a decent psychologist, but when it comes time to laying things out I will.

The other thing that I’m finding, is that I’ve hit another productive cycle. So that means next week, in my free time I will begin working on house stuff again. I’m feeling that I’m making progress in cleaning, so that helps a great deal. As my issues with the house revolve specifically around whether or not I feel I’m making any seeable progress. And it helps having my Scotsman with his encouragement and recognizing what gets done. I think he and I are starting to work quite well in that regard, least, as a baby step. The evening chats help, and I think they’ll get even better as I clean up the kitchen and make space for us to eat our meals.

Interesting note of the morning….

My gay mainecoon (yes, he’s gay, flaming too) is fighting my secondary female for the second in command female position. Though, he hasn’t won yet. Then again, maybe he’s just trying to prove he’s straight, now that we have two new males in the house. I’m starting to wonder if my alpha female is starting to retire her role. She’s been spending a lot of time “out of the loop”, mainly in my room. I don’t like the idea of what that might mean, but here’s hoping she just realizes she can’t keep up with the new kittens and wants to mother them.

*She’s finally starting to take a more familiar notice of them, just trying to keep them in line right now. I guess.

So I’m working on creating new habits, and as I was working today, I considered the possiblity of developing some of these habits into my religious path. I was watching The Human Weapon and thinking about all my friends who have the opportunity to train or teach all day, every day. That’s their job, to be and create warriors. Now, while my calling in life is not just to defend life in the martial sense (even though I have opted to not pursue a military path), it’s also to defend life in the realm of healing. So I’m going to have to figure a means to merge these two, seemingly conflicting paths. Which is another thing that confounds me. I find nothing conflicting about them, and those who are on similar paths understand what I’m talking about.

In order to heal, you have to learn how to harm, and vice versa. In learning massage, you learn the triangles you have to stay away from, as too much time spent on them or too much pressure will cause serious damage due to artery/vein/nerve trunks that you will hit. When it comes to aggression, or even defensive aggression, these are points you want to hit, in order to subdue your opponent. While the ancient warrior societies may not have been aware of the actuality of these centers, they knew they existed (through observance) and sought to use them to their advantage. The objective being, a quick and decisive end to the battle, whether hand-to-hand individual combat, or group strategic warfare.

In order to facilitate the objectives, the individuals must maintain their state of readiness, through both mental and physical exercises. Both being made readily apparent to me during my extended vacation, as I had no real means of physical training for the bulk of my visits. However, I did have the opportunity to rest my mind and clear it, as well as focus on training it for calm and clear thought. While I have, in the past, prided myself on my ability to be the calm mind in the storm, I know that having to do that takes much out of me. Mainly, in the fact that I get so focused that the slightest detraction from that focus knocks me completely out of balance. I’ve found going in with a clear mind allows me to avoid focusing on the detractions and more at the task at hand.

As a result, I’m slowly putting together my daily regimen that will hopefully blossom into a functional spiritual path within the religious direction I have chosen. At this point, I’ve modified my diet back to my training diet, with a few modifications to take my hypoglycemia into account. I’ve started using the time in the morning, when I’m normally watching the news to do basic agility and conditioning/strength exercises. I’m also going back to yoga again. One of the things I found after my meltdown at NAGA, was that my kundalini work not only calmed me down and helped me maintain my focus, but it created a new awareness for what my opponent was doing and allowed me to better predict their movement and create a strategy to counter it during a match. In speaking with my Yogini about it, even she smiled and said that I was getting the idea and my ability to tap into a greater consciousness, even if it was to use it to my own advantage in this situation.

Which brings me to another point, Yoga is often seen as an exercise for the passive, non-violent among us. There have been a couple of times, where I wanted to write in to Yoga Journal and knock them for posting a picture of military personnel in pose, preparing for a mission (one picture being Navy pilots holding warrior pose 1 next to their birds) with the commentary, “I don’t like the idea of war, or what we’re doing, but I take solace in the pilots taking a moment to be at peace with their decision to not act with ahimsa.” I’m sorry, but ahimsa does not mean let your body be a welcome mat for those who wish to walk all over you. There are points when you need to stand your ground, even as an individual, and that is referenced several times in the Bagavadgita. Not to mention, a pose translated into “Warrior pose” tends to imply that which the words connotate. It’s a pose of strength, used by swordsmen (particular in rapier parlay), riflemen, ground fighters (you’ll see it during the shoot for a takedown). It’s a pose of aggression, not defense.

It’s about balance, and that is one thing that my martial art has taught me, however much my Danish Professor pointed out my need for patience when attacking. There is a strategic point what will end a match quickly, but sometimes it happens later in the match and it’s my job to use my opponent to realize that point. It’s a dance, each move has a counter and a defense, at somepoint my opponent will give me the open door and it’s my job to walk through it.

Scorpio for this week:

If this was 1700 and you lived in London or if it was 1800 and you lived in Philadelphia, I’d tell you, Go west, young man or young woman. The astrological omens imply that your most useful adventures lie in the direction the sun travels. But we could also interpret the oracular advice to “go west” not as a literal mandate to head out on the road, but rather as a metaphorical exhortation to follow the sun in your heart. So what does that expression mean to you? If you followed the sun in your heart, would you align yourself with a live-giving source of light and energy? Would you do something that fills you with warmth and vitality? Would you answer a call that’s coming to you from the most practical manifestation of divine intelligence you know? Or all three?

FreeWill Astrology

I’d say all three, but that’s just me. But to follow the sun in my heart would be to pursue things that bring me joy and make me feel alive. Things, that when I relax, I feel at peace and completely content in being me.

Right now, that’s a lifestyle change, and I’m trying to get my Scotsman to join me in it. And he’s been very good at assisting me in creating some changes. We’ve started making dinner together, and while I’d like to be doing that sooner in the evening, rather than later, it’s still enjoyable to talk with him over his day. I’ve stopped watching TV, even though I do need to take some time and watch what I have on the TiVo, so I can delete it. Maybe I’ll do that today.

In other news, I’m debating going to the gym to lift weights. I’m not sure how I’d be accepted there at this moment. Due to various things that happened before I left, although, if the gym doesn’t get approved today, I guess I’ll go tomorrow night. I need to be getting back into shape, at least as far as conditioning goes. And what I do at home is nowhere near what I need.

Scorpio for this week:

The modern English word “weird” is derived from the Old English term wyrd, meaning “destiny.” By the late Middle Ages, wyrd had evolved into a concept similar to the Eastern notion of karma. It implied that the momentum of past events plays a strong role in shaping the future, but that human willpower can nevertheless also have a hand in creating upcoming events. In some uses, wyrd could even mean “the power to control destiny,” as exemplified by the three Weird Sisters of Shakespeare’s MacBeth. I bring this up, Scorpio, because your Wyrd Factor is pretty high these days. While the consequences of your past are certainly impinging on your present to some degree, you’ve rarely had a greater ability to override them through the force of your intentions.

FreeWill Astrology

Is it bad that I didn’t make it past the first sentence before I was searching for my Concise Anglo-Saxon Dictionary?

As for the rest of it, well, my past is dealt with, and that which hasn’t is being dealt with. I’m finding it interesting as to how much has been shedding over the last couple of weeks, down to the fact that my hope for the male gender was revived by a 22-year-old. I’ve also failed to allow a dominant personality to control me, and I wasn’t cowed by him at all in facing him. It was the first time I stood up to him, on my own ground and with my own rules. It was extremely liberating. And he still talked to me the next day. I’m proud of him, and me.

I know I haven’t updated much, since I was off invading the northlands. I’m still working on fleshing out 3 days on my blog and I’ll post a copy here for those of you who hate myspace.

However, there is one thing that I have definitely noticed a change in. For one, I’ve stopped listening to music in the car, whether it be on my iPod or on a CD. I’ve been reserving that for hometime. Instead, I’ve been listening to the hum of my car engine, or rolling down the windows when it’s cool enough to just listen to things outside. Yesterday, I wanted to go for a walk over my extended lunch break, but it was raining, so I worked on my blog instead. Today I didn’t really have time for a walk, so instead I opened up my car and sat in the back drinking my tea and eating my lunch. I’ve honestly enjoyed the fact that I had little to no access to technology, and I’ve realized how much I waste going to the same sites over and over, when I could be outside either walking, or just enjoying the environment. I’ve also noticed I get antsy in the morning, while I’m waiting to head in to work. So I think I’m going to start taking a morning walk before I leave, while my sheets are washing or drying.

I need to recreate the lifestyle I had while over there. Seriously, I have never felt so relaxed in my life, even my shoulders ceased being solid rocks for 3 weeks. And over this next week, or weekend, I’m going to be going through my stuff and trying minimize the clutter. Hopefully with the help of my Scotsman. But, this week and next week are going to be fairly hectic, along with the fact that I start training for my world tournament this next week too. Fun times!

Scorpio for this week:

I asked my readers to make a prediction about what age they’ll be when they finally know exactly who they are. “I hope I NEVER completely know who I am!” wrote Bridjet. “I love discovering new things about myself, and to change as everything else around me changes. It is one of the most beautifully thrilling things about life.” If you share that perspective, Scorpio, the coming days should be pretty fun. You’re likely to become dramatically more mysterious to yourself. You’ll be evolving, even mutating, in ways that may amaze you, and you’ll be coming face to face with hidden aspects of yourself. Let the confounding, enriching expansion begin!

FreeWill Astrology

Well, I do share that perspective. In fact, of late it’s been a goal of mine to discover all the nooks and crannies in that dark stairwell that spirals down. And the best part, I’m so relaxed and clear that I will have no problems in discovering more. 😀

In case anyone is wondering, I haven’t had internet for a couple of days, outside of my visits to my friend Claus’ place. However, I’m happily sitting in the Sentrum Pensjon in Oslo, Norway right now with another half-hour or so of internet. Not sure if I’ll get more pictures from Finland uploaded, but I will try to at least fill out the blog. I’m running a bit behind due to lack of writing. 😀

Scorpio for this week:

Before I suggest to you what your next assignment should be, read this passage from poet Adrienne Rich. “Whatever is unnamed, undepicted in images, whatever is omitted from biography, censored in collections of letters, whatever is misnamed as something else, made difficult-to-come-by, whatever is buried in the memory by the collapse of meaning under an inadequate or lying language — this will become not merely unspoken, but unspeakable.” What I hope you will do in the coming week, Scorpio, is rescue from obscurity any important thing that is on the verge of becoming unspeakable. Be a retriever of that-which-is-about-to-disappear. Be a rememberer of that-which-is-close-to-being forgotten.

FreeWill Astrology

Good advice. Will elaborate more when I have more internet time.