Regaining control over things again. Shoulders are releasing and I’m finding it easier to acclimate to various decisions and desires. Hell, my sex drive is starting to return, which is an odd occurance. Though, it’s manifesting more as writing release than it is a physical release. I’m re-discovering the ecstacy of having a breeze blow across my skin, than the connection of two bodies. Maybe this is more in the means of the Nature/King consumation of earlier times, where the marriage was between he, who would determine the fruitfulness of the earth, and she who would provide for the tribe.
I’m finding myself exploring the realms that I haven’t touched yet. One being a lingering issue of abandonment. It never dawned on me that my issues with people have to do with not feeling let down by them, but the fact that I feel abandoned by them when they fail to live up the expectations they set forth with me. Which, in turn has led to me not holding to my own word, in some instances – not for lack of failure to want to provide, but through moving on a different time line than those, to whom I’ve promised. This is the main reason why I’ve been such a loner, due to the fact that I decided early on that the only person I could truly trust to get stuff done, was myself. As a result, trust issues developed with other people, expectations were not realized and thus I felt let down and abandoned.
My trip away helped me with a few of these. I had to trust people, and I was lucky enough to have been in the company of those who lived up to that trust, and in turn assisted me in stepping up to their expectations of trust. I still have a ways to go, and my mum has offered to help me get counselling for all of this. I haven’t had the time to research a decent psychologist, but when it comes time to laying things out I will.
The other thing that I’m finding, is that I’ve hit another productive cycle. So that means next week, in my free time I will begin working on house stuff again. I’m feeling that I’m making progress in cleaning, so that helps a great deal. As my issues with the house revolve specifically around whether or not I feel I’m making any seeable progress. And it helps having my Scotsman with his encouragement and recognizing what gets done. I think he and I are starting to work quite well in that regard, least, as a baby step. The evening chats help, and I think they’ll get even better as I clean up the kitchen and make space for us to eat our meals.