My horrorscope from Tarot.com, today, was talking about a past conversation, and how I’m at the point that I can evaluate it, and put it away. I can’t say that there’s any particular conversation, however, there is a long string of events. Over my trip to my parents (what I didn’t feel like turning the video camera on for, even though I should have), I kept coming back to my issues with the male figures in my life. Those have always been messed up, somehow. Yes, this is Freudian, but it does stem back to my early relationship with my father. That revelation is quite blaringly obvious. But, my dad and I are on a much better plane right now, and I can put all of the issues that we had, while I was growing up, away. It’s the relationships that followed, that I’m having difficulty with, again. My mind always wanders to two in particular. The abusive one with D, and the fucked-up beyond any usefulness that followed with AOLs beloved “Bard”. Granted, the latter is just an irritating itch, but I’m still trying to figure out why it itches so much. I know I still have a great deal of anger towards D, more to the point, I want to mangle his body beyond all visable recognition. I don’t hate him, I don’t despise him. I just want to guarantee that he’s no longer part of the human race, I guess. I want him completely dead to me. So, I guess that means concocting another ritual, as a means to deal with him and put him further away from me.
But, I will say, the highlight of last week was waltzing with my dad to Lara’s Theme. That made me happy, especially as he let go of his need to control whether or not my steps were right, and just let them come as they may. It was flawless. My other happy point, was getting to talk with my Bitch for a couple of hours. I really miss him right now, but he has promised to be there for me while I spaz for the next couple of months. My Professore told me he believes I have a good change of medaling at Pan-Ams, so I’m going to go for it. Those will be in March, out in Cali. And, he wants me to fight sometime in March or April, MMA. So, I have my mum calling to wake me up every day, my dad has taken up the slack, to make sure I’m out of bed by 8 so I can be at the gym early. I’ll have to actually start weight training again, and working on my stand-up. The down-side, I’m getting sick.
Oh yeah, forgot to mention…I did a Texas Two-Step with a WWII vet, who fought at Battle of the Bulge. 🙂