According to an email my mum just sent me, in the Brazilian Indian belief system, my name means Deity of the Waters. Interesting…. I shall expand on it later.
It dawned on me today, I’ve isolated myself from myself. The inner bitch that protects me from others, also protected me from my true nature. I’m a very giving person, she kept me from giving too much, even though she came off as extremely selfish. I don’t know why I alienated her, she never deserved it, and she stood her ground pretty well when someone else tried to evict her from my conscious. But I’m the one that betrayed her. I stopped talking to her, in an effort to grow into the person I figured I was to be. I started giving to everyone, except myself. Least, in the emotional sense, not the material sense.
In coming to work today, I realized that I wanted to do nothing but break down in tears. But again, I had clients who needed me, my priorities were again, outside of me. It’s a bad habit I’ve developed, in effort to keep myself alive, literally. Many a time, have my starts at suicide been broken by the fact that my cats are dependent upon me, not anyone else. I think if they were removed from me, it would break me because they are the one thing that I really consider when I’m in those dark spaces of myself.
But along that, I’m also becoming numb again. It’s an endless cycle for me, mainly due to it’s easy nature as a catch-all for dealing with emotions. I’m a bit overwhelmed by everything, ready to cast aside any relationship, including those I seek for greater than their current existence. I find it easier to just cast them aside and let them slide down into the mud pit of non-existence. It’s easier than having to decide if what I see there is what is actually there, or if there’s some hidden meaning attached to it. When I take things at face value, I tend to find later, that I missed a clue that I was supposed to get. When I take things at a literary value, I find that those are the times when it’s only what I see, that I am supposed to see.
I live my life in my heart. One of my clients pointed that out to me the other day. And it’s very true. My downfall is that I care too much. I feel too much, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I know all the emotions, especially anger – and probably more than most of my friends know it. I know love, I know when it hits me, and I know when it hits me hard. Which is one of the boots that kicked me into the abyss this time around. The things we do for love. It’s maddening because it makes us do things that are complete antithesis to who we are as an individual. It makes us stupid and it gives us our greatest fears. It turns us to blubbering fools when we should be concrete against an invading body. But, on the other-hand, it also sparks us to go beyond who we are and what we are capable of. It pushes us to be better, to put our lives in the hand of s/he who has also placed their life in our hands.
But is that really all there is?
Happy Hatch Day! to the _gothfather_
Scorpio for this week:
“At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one’s lost self,” wrote Irish playwright Brendan Francis Behan. Let these words serve as your guiding light in the coming weeks, Scorpio. They should inspire you to be brave enough to confront the feelings of isolation that fester in your depths. That will in turn motivate you to reconnect with the parts of your psyche you were cut off from during times of trauma and unconsciousness in the past.
The boy is on time for once, and I concur. I have a week of nothing but me and a mat to begin my search.
I sit here, waiting to hit up the Doc. Posted to my spiritual blog this morning, the ritual set-up I’m going to put into place at the office. Had a long conversation with my mum about expectations in relationships, having to sit down with myself and decide where my priorities lie in having one. It hurt, I still tear up about it. But it was nice to finally have her understand that somethings that require a relationship (e.g. marriage and kids) are not a high priority on my to-do list, and find out that I’m not the only female in our family to run into that issue. Having a relationship, to me, is a nice thing to have. It is a want, not a need. I want certain people in my life, in certain capacities, they are the whipcream topping on a nice piece of pumpkin pie. They are there to bring greater meaning to my life, and hopefully I can provide that for them, as well. They are there for me to lean-on, and for me to support when the need requires it. I see it more as a give and take role, not a 50-50 partnership where everyone pulls their own weight 100% of the time. This is why relationships require so much communication and understanding. Its a language in its own, separate from the different languages spoken by each individual within it and each person needs to put forth the effort to speak this new language. It can’t be a case where only one is learning a new language. That makes things one-sided and makes it an individual relationship, instead of a inter-personal relationship.
I have to ask these questions of myself right now, between my focus on my training, and the care I have to put forth towards my clients, I have to decide what I need. I can’t spend my entire day with my focus outside of myself, right now, the only time that I can focus on myself is when I’m on the mat. Even with my training partner, my growth as a fighter is all within me and how I act and react towards my training partner, to help each other grow. I’d like to be able to have a couple of hours, where I can place my care in the hands of someone else, but I can’t trust that happening, unless I’m seeing my therapist, or setting aside a pamper day where I go and have a spa day. But again, that’s me doing all that. I’ve talked of the desire to just collapse, and being the weak one, but I can’t. I never can, because then I have to rely on my own strength to get me through it. There is no one outside of myself that I can fully depend on to be there, not that I’d fully want that either, because that’s not something I want to burden someone with, nor do I believe I can find someone who’d truly be willing to shoulder that voluntarily.
But where do I go from here? I guess that is up to the winds, should I allow them to carry me as they see fit. Or maybe, the answer lies in the questioning of my mentor…..”Which is more important to you, work, or magic?” As I turn that question around in my head, it’s quite clear that magic is more important, because when I look at it, everything I do is magic. Down to the bodywork I do on people, to the strength I seek on the mat.
So, today I had BJJ training, then to work. Well, after my workout, I was requested to come back tonight because they had a female guest coming in for her first BJJ class and they wanted to ease her in. On top of that, the evening class tonight is Fight Team training so the entire team is there. Not everyone can be as psycho as me and think rolling with those guys would be awesome, especially for a first class. But, she didn’t show, so I’m home now. Honestly, I felt so at home running back to the gym and was ready to roll. I can’t wait to build myself into a morning kickboxing class, 3 hours, then back to the gym for BJJ, then to work. Seriously, I’m psyched for it and bouncing around at the idea of it. I can’t wait to find a new job that will allow for me to be in the gym about 2 sessions a day. Gonna start getting off early on Tuesdays, so guess where I’ll be? BOXING CLASS!!!!! 😀
Scorpio for this week:
In her San Francisco Chronicle column, Leah Garchik reported that a woman shopping at a local Safeway grocery store had heard “Blitzkrieg Bop,” a snarling anthem by the Ramones, playing over the loudspeaker. Was it an unfortunate development that besmirched the integrity of the seminal punk band, or a welcome sign that what was once raw rebel squawk is infiltrating the mainstream? You’re ready to entertain an analogous question that pertains to your own personal quest for authenticity, Scorpio. Should you compromise a little so as to inject your influence into a setting where it’s desperately needed? Or should you remain aloof and pure, content to affect mostly just those who already agree with you?
Well, I definitely hate affecting those who already agree with me, because I’m not growing as a result. Makes me stagnant and I’m limited in what I’m in contact with. I can’t really see which setting this could possibly be, as I’ve been entertaining several scenarios in my head. I’d definitely like to hang out where I’m content, for a bit, because stepping forward into a new avenue is very overwhelming for me and causes an ill-reaction when I can’t balance myself. It’s one reason why I’m so adamant about moderation and slowly working into things. Kinda like my approach to massage, easier to work into something than be met with resistance at the gates.
Might add some more later.
What does one do, when all dreams have been ful-filled? Yeah, I’m 28-years-old, and pretty much every dream/goal of mine, that I’ve written in past journals has been ful-filled to my satisfaction. I’m stuck, and at a loss for what I want to do, besides helping and supporting others with their dreams. To an extent, I kinda feel a bit empty inside, struggling to come up with a reason to keep going. I think that’s probably the basis for what has been going on inside of me, of late. I had a push, with the new job, but that seems to slowly be crumbling away, due to lack of planning by my boss. I’ve found that I absolutely adore working with my clients, and I think they’re all great. I’m going to miss them if my boss decides to just quit, though I could probably pick some of them up as private clients.
To an extent, I feel pushed to the side, as well. Not through the fault of anyone else, but I’ve isolated myself again. There are a few people I’ve managed to continue talking with, but for the most part, I don’t really have much to say to anyone else. Chit-chat is pretty much a no-go, because I’ve been in such deep thought that I can’t comprehend the simplicities of idle conversation. Either that, or my non-committal, laid-back nature of late has prevented me from having heated discussions. Italy was too good to me, it left me too relaxed, though, at this point I would say I no longer care….numb, maybe. Just watching my life pass before me and watching everyone’s life exist outside of my own. Maybe I’m just not up to participating anymore.
Scorpio for this week:
Balding, five feet tall, and heavy set, 61-year-old Scorpio actor Danny Devito is not renowned as an embodiment of male beauty. That’s what helped make his appearance on an episode of the old TV show “Friends” so amusing. He played a striptease artist dressed as a cop who came to entertain Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe. The spectacle of him dancing provocatively as he removed his clothes was appalling, fascinating, funny, and ultimately harmless. I predict you will have at least two experiences that fit this description in the coming week.
Gods, I hope this doesn’t involve the client my boss asked me about….apparently, he used to come to our office and the therapist shaved him after his massage. *shudders* Not cool. This guy wants an appt, so my boss comes in the other day and asks me if I’d be willing to provide said services. Result? “Hell no! That’s too close a boundary violation for someone I’m not dating. Refer him to a spa for waxing services.” I don’t shave any people I’m not sleeping with….industrialreich excluded because I get to wax him. *eg*
Holy shit my body hurts!!!!! So everyone is back from break at the gym, C is back so I’m happy. So is B, and he led warm-ups yesterday and he killed us. Granted, I’m happy he did because my abs are happy (I’m getting my 6 pack back!), so are my quads. The cool thing, is everything is finally coming together for me. My instructor put me with the competition guys, to make sure that I was constantly moving during open mat. And even they are happy with my progress. I’m starting to see the openings for the moves, and paying attention to my escapes and variations when something doesn’t work. On top of that, I FOUND SHOES!!!! Yeah, I’m happy about that, but you guys have no idea how hard it is, to find size 4 wrestling shoes. Spent the last couple of months looking for them, because I jammed my toe and yesterday just reinforced that I really needed to get them. It hasn’t popped out yet, and it kept getting pulled when I was trying to lock my guard. I’ll probably have to go see the Sadist Clinical therapist at the school. He did a good job at popping out my other toe when this happened.
Oh yeah, next Monday….my Bitch has his first “official” UFC fight (meaning, it’s separate from TUF), so you all have to be watching Spike at 10PM! They probably won’t show the fight, but starting a 4P Vegas time, I expect everyone to be sending kick ass energies to him (not that he needs them, but the extra boost won’t hurt) so he can win. I’m too excited about this, so don’t be surprised if this is all I talk about to you for the next couple of days. 😀