It dawned on me today, I’ve isolated myself from myself. The inner bitch that protects me from others, also protected me from my true nature. I’m a very giving person, she kept me from giving too much, even though she came off as extremely selfish. I don’t know why I alienated her, she never deserved it, and she stood her ground pretty well when someone else tried to evict her from my conscious. But I’m the one that betrayed her. I stopped talking to her, in an effort to grow into the person I figured I was to be. I started giving to everyone, except myself. Least, in the emotional sense, not the material sense.

In coming to work today, I realized that I wanted to do nothing but break down in tears. But again, I had clients who needed me, my priorities were again, outside of me. It’s a bad habit I’ve developed, in effort to keep myself alive, literally. Many a time, have my starts at suicide been broken by the fact that my cats are dependent upon me, not anyone else. I think if they were removed from me, it would break me because they are the one thing that I really consider when I’m in those dark spaces of myself.

But along that, I’m also becoming numb again. It’s an endless cycle for me, mainly due to it’s easy nature as a catch-all for dealing with emotions. I’m a bit overwhelmed by everything, ready to cast aside any relationship, including those I seek for greater than their current existence. I find it easier to just cast them aside and let them slide down into the mud pit of non-existence. It’s easier than having to decide if what I see there is what is actually there, or if there’s some hidden meaning attached to it. When I take things at face value, I tend to find later, that I missed a clue that I was supposed to get. When I take things at a literary value, I find that those are the times when it’s only what I see, that I am supposed to see.

I live my life in my heart. One of my clients pointed that out to me the other day. And it’s very true. My downfall is that I care too much. I feel too much, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I know all the emotions, especially anger – and probably more than most of my friends know it. I know love, I know when it hits me, and I know when it hits me hard. Which is one of the boots that kicked me into the abyss this time around. The things we do for love. It’s maddening because it makes us do things that are complete antithesis to who we are as an individual. It makes us stupid and it gives us our greatest fears. It turns us to blubbering fools when we should be concrete against an invading body. But, on the other-hand, it also sparks us to go beyond who we are and what we are capable of. It pushes us to be better, to put our lives in the hand of s/he who has also placed their life in our hands.

But is that really all there is?

I sit here, waiting to hit up the Doc. Posted to my spiritual blog this morning, the ritual set-up I’m going to put into place at the office. Had a long conversation with my mum about expectations in relationships, having to sit down with myself and decide where my priorities lie in having one. It hurt, I still tear up about it. But it was nice to finally have her understand that somethings that require a relationship (e.g. marriage and kids) are not a high priority on my to-do list, and find out that I’m not the only female in our family to run into that issue. Having a relationship, to me, is a nice thing to have. It is a want, not a need. I want certain people in my life, in certain capacities, they are the whipcream topping on a nice piece of pumpkin pie. They are there to bring greater meaning to my life, and hopefully I can provide that for them, as well. They are there for me to lean-on, and for me to support when the need requires it. I see it more as a give and take role, not a 50-50 partnership where everyone pulls their own weight 100% of the time. This is why relationships require so much communication and understanding. Its a language in its own, separate from the different languages spoken by each individual within it and each person needs to put forth the effort to speak this new language. It can’t be a case where only one is learning a new language. That makes things one-sided and makes it an individual relationship, instead of a inter-personal relationship.

I have to ask these questions of myself right now, between my focus on my training, and the care I have to put forth towards my clients, I have to decide what I need. I can’t spend my entire day with my focus outside of myself, right now, the only time that I can focus on myself is when I’m on the mat. Even with my training partner, my growth as a fighter is all within me and how I act and react towards my training partner, to help each other grow. I’d like to be able to have a couple of hours, where I can place my care in the hands of someone else, but I can’t trust that happening, unless I’m seeing my therapist, or setting aside a pamper day where I go and have a spa day. But again, that’s me doing all that. I’ve talked of the desire to just collapse, and being the weak one, but I can’t. I never can, because then I have to rely on my own strength to get me through it. There is no one outside of myself that I can fully depend on to be there, not that I’d fully want that either, because that’s not something I want to burden someone with, nor do I believe I can find someone who’d truly be willing to shoulder that voluntarily.

But where do I go from here? I guess that is up to the winds, should I allow them to carry me as they see fit. Or maybe, the answer lies in the questioning of my mentor…..”Which is more important to you, work, or magic?” As I turn that question around in my head, it’s quite clear that magic is more important, because when I look at it, everything I do is magic. Down to the bodywork I do on people, to the strength I seek on the mat.