Month: January 2005

There is something that is slightly out of the ordinary about being home. See, my parents have lived in this house since I was about 8, so most of my life (excluding college and on) was spent here. The bed I’m sleeping in, tonight, is the bed I’ve had since I was 4. On the closet door, are the height marks to measure my growth, starting at age 8. In both beroom closets is the crap that I’ve managed to accumulate since day one. My first and second pair of figure skates, first pair of hockey skates, etc. etc. Today, first thing I did was drag out my athletic awards box. I’ve got my basketball, volleyball and soccer trophies in it. Just odd, digging through this box and seeing every single achievement I’ve made. Texas Academic Achievement awards, Blue Ribbon scholar awards for languages and science, Language Olympic awards for French and German, and every single ribbon from gymnastics – labelled with event, score, date and level. Including the ones from Illinois. The good part, is that my mum has never had time to go through any of these boxes to find my journals. They are now back in my possession, to be burned at home. Years of my life that no longer exist in anything but memories. It’s strange now. My brother and I, relegated to bookshelves and locked closests. Although, it is funny to look up at the bookshelf in here, and see the buttons of me and my brother, a baseball picture when I was 7, soccer picture when I was 5, and my brother on ice – age 13. Wow. It’s strange what my mum has left up. The lightswitch is still the teddy bear plate I painted when I was 6, the surprised expression of someone flipping its belly still on the face. And my psycho-goth wallpaper, in the office, black background with gold, platinum and silver glitter splatter-painted across the vinyl. As much as she hated putting that paper in there, I don’t think she’ll ever take it down. In fact, she’s bough dark-wooded dressers and nighttables to match the tone. I think I imprinted on her.

Sometimes, I think Brezsny is a wee bit behind….

Scorpio for this week:

Around the age of 17, students in Denmark take a standardized test that determines their educational fate and, ultimately, their career path. In an article in National Geographic, raconteur Garrison Keillor noted that teens who earn the very highest scores are eligible for the most prestigious occupations in Danish society: doctor, psychologist, and midwife. I urge you to remember the latter fact throughout 2005, Scorpio, because it will serve as a mnemonic device for my big prediction, which goes as follows: You will grow smarter in the coming year whenever you cultivate your power to heal, whenever you expand your understanding of the nature.

FreeWill Astrology

Thank you to those who distracted me a bit, this afternoon. It helped. I did manage to make it to the gym, not a full 2 hours, but I’ll head over tomorrow to do the last hour. As of the moment, I have crab rangoons, veggie potstickers, chicken lo mein and coffee that smells like cough syrup. So, I’m feeling much better now.

It seems to be a day for this crud 🙂

luxpagani teases me, because I’m constantly thinking I did something to run someone away from me. I don’t know why I think that, but it has become an inner tug-o-war for me, sometimes. Nothing to put much value in, especially when I know my friends are off elsewhere and not connected to me in any other way besides energy. I guess it’s because I haven’t found that balance point where enough is just enough, but not too much. montieth and I have discussed this, from time to time, because I have a habit of either coming off as completely apathetic or completely drowning myself in someting. That becomes a problem when it involves other human beings. I start giving off these vibes, because new people make me feel like a kid in a candy store. I want to know everything about them, what makes them tick and what makes them go tock. Which is funny, given my level of patience to spread things out over days, weeks and years. Maybe, I jump in because I want to learn something from them before they run away, it’s a possibility. Or maybe I just want to drown in their existence. Of course, I could just be a nasty virus that attaches like a leech and doesn’t let go until you burn me off. But that’s a whole different self-analysis.

In the meantime, I believe it’s time to start revisiting my neuromuscular questions. I’ll probably post some of those this afternoon.

Driving around Mayretta, today, I got to thinking. Of course, for some reason it was kicked off by listening to Tyr, one of their ballads, and remembering one of the Marine’s tattoo, then remembering him. Yeah, weird thing, remembering a Latino guy listening to Norse music, shoot me. Anyway….

Dear Mike-
I still smile when I think of you, like I said I would, and sometimes wonder what you’re up to. I wanted to say that I understand why you refused to say goodbye to me, because that’s a signal of finality. The end to another chapter in a long book. But that’s ok. We were kidding ourselves when we skirted the issue that last day, because we were saying goodbye. I know, that I will never see you again, unless by chance we end up in the same city. For a while, I did try to look for you, hoping to at least find out if you were well. I know you’re happy, hell, I would be to, if I were getting out of a state I hated and doing the job I was trained to do. But I do miss you. I know it’s weird, because I shouldn’t, but I do. I guess that comes with the territory of being the one that stoked the Marine fetish. You were a comfort to hang with, lived experiences I’ll never have, but were willing to share. It was even fun discussing how to prepare various worms and crunchy bugs for eating, in the middle of a restaurant. I also miss the concerts, haven’t yet found someone to go with me to some of the off-the-wall ones, yet.

Anyway, I hope you’re enjoying yourself, and the gf-person didn’t smash the boarhead. I hope it’s happily sitting on your kitchen table with an apple shoved in its mouth. Just wanted to say goodbye, thanks for coming into my life when you did, it was a fun ride.