Season of healing…

Every season shift I do a stave draw, asking what the season will bring. In this case, the ‘season’ will last from the spring equinox to the winter equinox. But the stave I drew was èabhadh, which hints at rising up, bouyancy and healing.

I find it well timed, as nature – where I live is starting to lift out of the ground and come alive. The trees, where they were pruned in their dormant state will start the process of sealing the wounds. So I’m taking my cues and starting in on myself, again.

This last year has been recovering from years of hustling and trying to make ends meet. At the onset, the loss of income sent me into a depression. But that soon gave way to a peace, that I would be ok. And I have been. It gave me the opportunity to finally get my stress levels under control, learn some new skills, and work on my transition in my career track.

It’s also given me the opportunity to look at all the things that have been holding me back. I was able to take a hard look at what was an anchor dragging me backwards and what was pulling me forwards. Many of my clients fell off, and whether or not they will return post-vaccine is yet to be determined. But regardless, I will need to hold to my decision to let space go.

I’ve found, that when I make a decision that is truly for my benefit, either things move faster or they just naturally work. That was what happened with my decision to consolidate my space and let go of half of it. In my decision to fully let go of the space, I’ve been shown spaces that are open in supportive complimentary businesses and the other half of my business (coaching) has seen an uptick in client work and responsibility.

It’s also allowed me to get back to the spiritual realm of things. In the Irish Book of Invasions, the cultures that were of benefit to the land lasted longer than those whose goals weren’t of mutual benefit. And in that vein, I’m doing what I can for the land that I inhabit. Building steppes to keep the trees from eroding, controlled burns to build up the nitrogen in the clay and create soil. Leaving the leaves down so the butterflies and fireflies have ground cover to hibernate and hatch. Creating small pools for the dragonflies and pollen patches for the bees, hummingbirds, and other nectar drinking beings.

These are small steps for me, but in the long run it’ll get me back to me. Society has done a wonderful job of pulling me away from that person, and my struggle to get back to her has been exactly that. My hope, is that more people have realized how they’ve been changed from their core, and have had the opportunity of space to rediscover that person and emerge again.

Being vulnerable…

Note: Nothing in this post should be construed as me thinking the people who care about me don’t. This is just a note of where I am at mentally, in this moment, and how I feel/think about this placement.

I don’t have an inner circle anymore. I’m starting to accept that thought and my part in creating it. I’ve always felt more the outsider, everywhere, even in my family. I’m not sure how to move out of that frameset, but a goal of mine since the beginning of the forced solitude era has been to create a new one. And to start building the web that might make this one a little stronger and last even a little bit longer than the last one.

I hold no grudges in the why’s of it falling apart. I don’t force people to pay attention to me, talk with me, or wonder about me. Maybe I leave too much of the upkeep to them, knowing that my effort needs to increase, now that I’m not constantly chasing/recovering from work stuffs.

I think some of it also has to do with this idea of ‘reaching out’. Which I’m sure some folks, who know how to contact me, reading this will start doing. Which will create its own panic due to too many inquiries – and that statement will reduce it for those who decide not to because they don’t want to add to it. How’s that for a Catch-22?

But I guess, in all of this, it makes those memes of mental health useless. I honestly find them a little hypocritical, in that this is how folks slip through the cracks. If it weren’t for the car groups I’m part of, I honestly think I’d disappear from social media. As summer starts to peek out, the offer from a friend to kayak (not ready to go back to rafting with strangers) is definitely going to be taken up on weekends and days off. Car meet-ups can be back on the menu, and maybe I can create a local inner circle that involves sitting around fires and sharing those deep, vulnerable conversations that can only happen when the shadows rise and all pretenses can drop.

Breaking ground…

I was out working in my yard yesterday and noticed the first fruitions of Spring displaying to the world. Tiny daffodils in all their glory, waiting for the last frost wind.

I can feel it within me, too. My life prior to this last year was pulling me away from the core things that are important to me and the lessons I really should be focused on. But in the negative reaction of everything, my positive has been the spiral back to these things.

It doesn’t come without its own problems, as I have been forced to shift, work-wise. The shift itself is needed and something I’ve been wanting to do for a while but always figured I could build into it. Nature has shown me otherwise and I have been taken care of. It has also shown me a bad habit trait that I need to work on and have listed it as my ‘summer project’.

Namely, I have a bad habit of not focusing on the larger goal and am side-tracked by the ‘ooooohhhhh shiny!!!’ aspects of my car project. So the major things, like replacing mechanical parts that make it run get monetarily out prioritized by the ‘that’s a cool mod’.

Doesn’t help that I’m trying to get my financial house in order. Running my business this last year was not pleasant. I was in the process of a contraction that I had to support for the better part of a year, which drove it seriously in to debt. This last year, had everything continued as normal would have put me on even footing. But Nature didn’t have that plan. I am mearly a casualty in her strive to put us back in our place. As stewards, we’ve largly failed. What the every day person does is helpful, but unfortunately cannot negate what is being done in our name.

People rail about job loss, all because we want to maintain the status quo of our lives and not look at the other side of those who will be impacted by our choices. We don’t ask ourselves why we do the job we do and what benefit we actually provide in doing that job and to whom that benefit is bestowed. We also aren’t willing to look at the real sacrifice behind those benefits and whether or not it is given willingly and freely.

Slow down and breathe…

This month has been crazy stressful and is finally manifesting as a tension headache, which is trying to morph into a full-blown grande mal migraine.

But I’m finding places to breathe in the storm. This morning has been a good one, even though the evening will probably cue the anxiety. Was able to get in some meditation, writing in a prompt journal, and adding some stuff in here.

I’ve honestly hated not writing in my blog for the last decade. Getting started again was feeling more like a chore due to the need to cut out time to do it, instead of allowing the words to flow naturally.

But blocked emotions due to being in a forced emotional straight jacket takes time to untangle and heal. I’m honestly not sure how long it will take and whether or not I’ll find any measure of success in it. But the damage I have allowed makes me look back at who I was before in sorrow, because I miss that person.

So much winning…

I’m one of the ‘lucky’ ones. Since the outset of the Covid spread, my business has largely been shut down. The upside is that I’m finally getting the space to take care of things I’ve needed to do.

The downside…well, my business was not elgible for funds through any of the options put forth. And I’ve largely been out of work.

I spent the first month just recovering from constantly being at everyone else’s whim. The second month I started working on projects, planning my survival, and learning how to teach online classes for the part of my business that did transition.

Slowly things started opening up, too soon, as evidenced by the fact my state is now at the point where hospitals won’t admit people and ambulances are grounded. I’ve managed to stay safe, despite the close calls I’ve managed to have. Which as brought me to why I’m taking up writing again…

It almost feels like the months I was finally able to recover never happened. My anxiety level is through the roof between trying to cover my co-workers and watching the country burn. At current are the attempts to counter the fanned flames, how well that will work remains to be seen.

I’m wondering about most of my friends. Some of my closest ones say things that make me wonder exactly what they mean, because my knowledge of them leads me to wonder if the words they speak really mean what my first glance thinks they mean. And this comes from a kid who has a very German last name, who found out exactly how cruel kids could be when we learned about WW2 in history. Combine that with reading my grandfather’s letters (that were written in German) telling his aunt that they would have to stop speaking the language.

The cycle continues.

Moving into the new year…

Yeah, I know, we’re into the middle of February. What a whirlwind already.

I’m in that phase where things are just moving, the way spring is supposed to. Roots extending down, shoots getting ready to break ground – if they haven’t already. As much as I want to slow down, I can’t really. Taking time where I can, but I have a deadline for both my office and my grove. My mind is craving knowledge, but at a rate that it can’t be satiated or retained. And my pocketbook can’t keep up, to boot.

But that is the thing with nature and the cycle of seasons. There is only so much of the cycle that we can control, but it’s important to notice when the rivers are flowing smoothly and when they are not. If it’s smooth and continuous it’s important to stay the course and make gentle changes as needed. If it’s blocked or rough, taking into consideration whether or not the course is correct, and if not making whatever corrections you can to ensure you do not lose sight of the path. Including whether getting out and choosing another path entirely.

It’s a process I’ve been working on. My mind generally, these days, can operate like a golden retriever on a hot, dry day with the water dish being filled. It’s a side effect of our society at large. Constantly with our need to be doing everything at once and yet nothing, at the same time. The constant pull away from what I need to do and the questioning of whether or not it’s worth it. But at the same time, it shows me my boundaries and ideas to spark another avenue – when the time arrives.

Turning a page and starting a new chapter…

Stagnation is just a plateau, a place to rest and plan. I don’t necessarily see being in that puddle as a bad thing. But if you get comfy there, you drown. Sinking down into the mud that was originally holding you up and providing the ability to breathe.

I’m at that point. One of my long-term office mates left the office at the beginning of the year. She spent time contemplating and things just opened up for her. Now I’m there with her. I’m starting to work with a business coach, mainly because I have so many ideas in my head about how to merge everything I do. Right now they’re all split into different jobs and it’s pulling me in so many different directions that I could be considered an archaeological dig.

On top of that, I’m hitting that age where I need to start paying more attention to myself. That realization that I have been ignoring myself, my health, and just my general sanity. Weeks go by where I fail to institute basic self care, because I’m constantly running around – too much. Mainly because I sit and talk about setting boundaries, then I fail to do so. I manifest what I want, then walk it back. Acting like I’m feeling guilty about receiving something I worked for and deserve.

The story of my life? Or the story of my conditioning? I always talk about what our society does to us, telling us we’re not enough because we don’t make enough money, we’re not swindlers, money-makers, or anything that would put us in a position where we’re not always running in all directions with our pants on fire.

The fact is, we’re all being conned and we buy into it. Every day. We follow so-called influencers for the next big thing, or place to go and be seen. We chase around that opportunity that’s going to bring us that big pay day. But at what cost? Spending no time with our families until there’s no time to spend? Wasting our best days on an office and looking at pictures of places that are disappearing in our own lifetimes? What difference are we making with that? None, and when we make the decision to walk away we seek to monetize our “good deeds”.

It’s mindblowing what our culture is doing to us, as if we didn’t grow up on those Sci-Fi novels that we’re using as blueprints instead of cautions.

Vagueries…

Maybe it’s finally catching up to me, my hatred of arguing. It’s too time consuming to pull a few paragraph research paper together for the sake of persuasion on someone’t thread or blog. But here I am, being faced with a serious accusation that at the least should have prompted the asking for an example – except it wasn’t. It was tabled as a one-off that has appeared to have blossomed into something bigger, but has it?

At this moment, I feel like it’s time for a major change. Every time I’ve done something like this, it’s been a process. Not a stop, delete, re-enter. I’m feeling pulled to delete an entire program, not only wipe the computer memory, but to buy an entirely new system. In my spiritual life, one of the deities I work with is demanding and isn’t one to suffer vagueries. There’s an extent to which I feel pulled to not only put my foot down, but to break out the steel toed stompy boots to do so. It’s not fair to me, given my drives and motivations and it’s not fair to those I work with who don’t have a problem with me and might possibly be floored at what’s being thrown at me.

It’s also said a lot about the people where I’m at. I’ve always believed in the power of a support system and this includes in a place of employment. When I am in the acting roll of the employer, I have always had my staff’s back. Before anything was ever leveled anywhere, a discussion would be had to get the gray area between the black and white. It made for a happier staff and while the clients wouldn’t always be happy [to find they were misguided or jumped to a conclusion without all the evidence], they would be taken care of and ultimately respect the decisions. Same went with the staff when the opposite happened.

I have no real clue where I’m going with all of this, though, I guess it’s a note to anyone who reads this. If you have an issue with someone or some place, be as specific as possible. I always tell my athletes to try and be as specific as they can when describing an issue or a fear, because we can work to overcome that. But when the complaint is vague, with no real definition, we can’t form a plan to work through it.

If I need to change something about my approach to what I do, I need to know what it is that needs to change before I can make a plan to do so. I’ve never had an issue with self-reflection – more often than not to the point of gaslighting myself. But right now, while I’m leaning in that direction, my stompy boots are on and are telling me that I know what I know, and I haven’t done anything that has warranted the level of accusation that I have received. But it is making me question other things, and that is not a bad thing.

Kids these days…

We all remember being hard-headed as a kid. Having to learn some of our major lessons through experience and not through the wisdom of others. It’s one of the things that, as an adult, I’m now learning how to sit back and let it happen.

Working with kids can be both amazing and frustrating. Sometimes, all rolled into one moment. Working with them in a challenging sport just maximizes both ends of the spectrum. These kids put so much pressure on themselves to be perfect in this sport (competitive gymnastics) that adding pressure as a coach runs a fine line. Especially if there’s a parent on the back end complicating it.

I got lucky as a kid. Gymnastics was my sport, just as Hockey was my brother’s. Sure, my dad was a coach in his own right, but neither of us felt pressured by him so much as we learned patience from him. Neither of my parents put pressure on my performances. In fact, whenever I questioned whether or not I wanted to continue, they led me through the breaks, the restarts and let me process the frustrations. In the end, I pushed through to my first year of college and ultimately made the decision that it was time to retire and move on to my next sport.

But what I find interesting, is to see the development of where a child’s psychology comes in, as I get to see the generational intersection at competitions. There’s an extent to which I do become sad, because I’m one of those people who firmly believes in self-reflection and not passing on my bad habits to those who come after me. And in some of these cases I see that the internal work wasn’t done (or no one ever called them on the habit) and the issue just gets handed down like great grandma’s formal china.

When I see these habits, I do what I can to provide an alternative view point, counteract where I can, and hopefully stop that habit in its tracks by teaching a method of self-reflection and encouraging that. But I also have to let go when the idea doesn’t root and hope that the continuation eventually hits a point where the fact can’t be denied – whether it becomes from a positive or negative experience.

Ultimately, our goal as adults in a child’s life is two-fold: provide guidance where and when we can and be an example to strive beyond. Instead of raising them in our image, we should be teaching them how to be better than ourselves.

Seems life is getting away…

Apparently, I write, then forget to publish. Hence the multiple posts this last week. Oops. Most of that is due to the fact that I’m being flooded with spring-inspired ideas, both personally and professionally. So I pretty much dove into that pool and have been busy with that. So I guess some of you will get 2-fer-1 deals. 😀

At the moment, I’m trying to get my life in order by trying to get my house in order. It’s amazing how the inside of one’s house is a pretty good indicator of one’s internal order. As a severe introvert who works in fields where I’m required to be highly extroverted, self care has not included cleaning. It’s mostly been sitting around and allowing my brain to just zen out. I’m getting better – one room at a time.

My husband did a deep clean up of the squirrel room, put all the wood and tree branches she had to eat and climb around on outside. The room looks good and is ready for us to start looking at the renovations. I made sense of our kitchen table, since I tend to bring all the outside table things in during winter. Slowly, slowly.

The mind has been occupied with some of the things I want to do, and some of the things I have to do. Taxes has taken a large chunk, trying to find the money for my new certifications while weathering the changes at the office that put me on a short-term bind doesn’t help. But I think I’ll get through it. I’ve had a lot of signs come my way, discussing work/life balance, whether it exists and what the future brings for folks in the US. I am concerned. But I also see where I need to go and I’m working towards that end. Down to trying to figure out a week, here soon, where I can take time off of my office and focus on myself and the things I need to get done outside of there. But it is looking good, I’ll say that much. Hoping that effort will resonate out and back in.

I also need to get back into the habit of scheduling my days. I’ve been slacking on that, hence my posting getting a little erratic. But I won’t promise, yet. Just know that I’m working on it.