growth

Scorpio for this week:

The entrance to my local post office is an odd set of double doors. One of the doors is of normal width, but the other is bizarrely narrow, like something out of Alice in Wonderland. The only way I can use it is to turn sideways and squeeze through it. I believe this is an apt symbol for the metaphorical door you will have to negotiate in the coming week, Scorpio. As you approach it, you may feel bothered by its illogical and inconvenient construction. You may even be inclined to take it personally, as if it were an affront to your dignity. Avoid those reactions. Just turn sideways and squeeze through as best as you can, suppressing the urge to bitch and complain. That will prepare you perfectly for the weird but good luck that awaits you on the other side.

FreeWill Astrology

Gee, how right. Though, ditching assumptions out of my head and not taking things personally is a massive goal for me. I try to temper it with a good dose of cynicism, but it doesn’t always work.

In other news, I’ve decided what I’m going to do with my hair. Fuschia, with black streaks. In attempting to be somewhat useful today, I went shopping. I’m starting to hate Vicki. I have $100 to spend, and nothing fit. Not to mention I was mauled by 6 sales people, one of them twice. Seriously, if anyone has the inkling to start making lingerie, to Vicki’s standard of sexiness, for small breasted women – I’ll convert. I guess I’ll have to hit her website, thankfully I can use the card there. I did find one bodice I liked, but I didn’t have the $98 to cover the rest, and they didn’t have a smaller one. I also found an Anthropologie in that mall, which is nice. Means I don’t have to drive over to the Nuovo Riche area and pay extra for location.

And, in two weeks, I’ll be able to afford registration for my conference in Philly. The BossMan has a new position for me, which will pay nicely, and I’ll be able to afford a couple other weekend trips. One of them will be up to meet up with the Evil Twin in Chicago, the other will be later in the year to somewhere cold. Where I’ll go in-between, ya got me. If anyone has any ideas, or just wants to head off somewhere with me, just let me know. This next year is my year of the Vagabond (with restrictions based on work availability). Depending on how well this job works out….moonbird, we’re going to Italy. Both poles of the country.

Ok, as we can all notice the timestamp on this post, and know that the kitty has been up since 7AM, we’ll understand the shortness of this update…

Day was uneventful, SL was kind and just teased me for leaving him because I was “cheating on him” with another job. Lasted 5 minutes. Went to see Saw with shaedalis and the Evil Twin’s sister. WT was supposed to join us, because a customer overheard his reasons for not coming with me, and handed him a $10, I’m assuming he got lost in the loss of Tennessee, to whomever they were playing tonight. Very good movie, I enjoyed the mindfuck. There were some weak spots, but they’re all forgivable for the ending. Plus, the 3 of us now have a Val’s day date for the lovely horror flick previewed.

I made a step up today. Asked the very cute waiter (sister of Evil Twin says I now have a buzz cut fetish) for a tiny, tiny shot of Bailey’s for my coffee, he obliged and it was much good. Wasn’t ready for the Whiskey, yet, but hey, if I can build up a tolerance, maybe one day. At the moment, I’m having difficulty with the lower limb section of my left leg. Felt a tendon in my knee snap over when getting out of the booth after dinner, that’s triggered my calf to have an acute contraction that won’t give up. Causes slight pain under my knee cap. My Scotsman isn’t home, at the moment, I need to call and find out where he is, because my phone is turned off.

On the way home, I started thinking about a conversation I’m having with the Explosives lover I’m friends with. Got me thinking about my first real memory I have, in life. See, I remember brushing my teeth when I was about 2, and falling backwards into the darkness that was a bathtub and a tile floor, and waking up in the ICU with lots o’ bandages around my head. But that’s not the one that I fondly remember. The earliest one I have, I don’t recall how old I was, just being at an indoor community swimming pool, in Michigan I think, being placed on the side to sit. My dad swam off, it was crowded, and I was scared sitting there. So, I slipped into the water, and down, down I went. Just kind of floating there, suspended in water. I don’t recall ever touching bottom, but I also don’t recall any fear. Just a kind of inner peace. Then I was up top again, with lots of shouting and the lifeguard. Maybe I’ve always had this deathwish that would never be granted, least, not up to now. Not sure, but it’s seriously the feeling I hold on to when I need a slice of real peace. That space that I always seek to re-create when I need to. A serenity that I will only truly find at the end of my road. It’s an addicting place, maybe that’s why I’m always jumping into altered states when I can. Just trying to get out of this space, and into one where I can really rest. *sigh*

In other news, a slight tidbit about the freak that most probably don’t care about. My fav nighttime attire is my brother’s hand-me-down white button-up dress shirt, size XL. I’ve had it since I was 13, and it’s been a dress on me since. Strange kind-of safety, as we were never close after the accident. Maybe it was my connection to part of him that no longer existed. A part of him that suffered in the same silence as I have for years, we still haven’t talked about it, not the two of us. Hell, my parents and I just mention it in passing, until we can change the topic to something more suitable. And they wonder why I have such a fascination with death.

Another satisfying moment, is when someone puts enough trust in you, to allow you to see what makes them work, what influences their thoughts, and what makes them who they are. It’s a humbling moment, because it’s a greater responsibility towards that person, and the trust they place in you, as keeper of that knowledge.

That knowledge is a delicate balance, to a greater truth. Knowing when to mention bits and when to keep the mouth shut. The point in reminding, and being reminded of obligations towards that friendship. It reaches past the individual self. And I am honoured.

There is something inherently pleasant, about sitting in a coffeehaus, in a corner somewhere, as the lunch crowd bustles around, as I remain invisible. Solitude is an amazing thing, that locks me into a book, jumping from space to space in seconds of time. Not having to explain anything to anyone, my thoughts in my head revolving around like a slowly stewed soup on the stove. The occassional new ingredient that stirs things up, before spreading out and making the mixture homogenous again.

I have the urge to go to the mountains, maybe I’ll do that Tuesday. Dragging my closest kindred with me, so that we can stand across the TriRiver’s damn, yelling profanities and slanders to the rocks on the other side, before retreating to the bed in the car, to stare at the bright sun streaming through and contemplating the meaning of life. It’s nice, having someone I don’t have to verbally communicate with, being able to just sit in shared solitude, vibrating off each other and knowing exactly what is sitting in that other head. I think that’s why I seek out the kindred that I have, reassurance that I’m not the only one who thinks how I do. There’s that shockwave, that resonates when I meet one, often found to be that feeling that I’ve known someone forever. No real introductions, it just is, and just exists in that time and place. Separation bears no issue, because the next meeting just results in taking off from the point left, as if no time has passed between.

And in that, I am brought back to one of my soulmates. I love you Big Cat, I never would have fully explored this part of me, if it hadn’t been for you. You came into my life when I needed you, and that, I will never forget.

Even though I don’t fully agree with this religious holiday called Thanksgiving, I do have things that I am thankful for….

I am thankful for parents, who let me live how I wanted, no matter how big of a headache I gave them.
I am thankful for a partner, who appreciates me and everything that is me.
I am thankful for my local friends, who appreciate the value of “just hanging out.”
I am thankful for my kindred, no matter how much the distance between all of us, we are still close.
I am thankful for the safety of my Candiman, who puts his self in harm’s way on a daily basis.
I am thankful for the knowledge, that the Marine is happy, alive, and doing what he loves.
I am thankful for my new family, who has much to teach, much to share, and gives me the chance to share in that.
I am thankful for my net family, who show me that I am not alone in everything I feel.
I am thankful for my muse, who shows me the passion in everything I see and experience and inspires the words.

I forgot my yoga mat tonight. So I used a studio one. 15 minutes in, we start the first of many Chataranga’s. I smelled the mat, it had that new mat, just taken out of the plastic smell. That specific smell that only gymnasts are really familiar with, and suddenly I was 10-years-old again. The smell of chalk was coming from somewhere, but it was there, being soaked up by me. It was wonderful, I was in my happy place, the first real gym that wasn’t an old storefront with no heating in the middle of Illinois, or a YMCA gym that had to be built up and broken down every night. The floor was a real floor, spring-based and everything. The leather on the beam, mixed in with the sweat, blood and chalk of every gymnast that came before me. Hard work, and satisfaction in one whiff. Perfection attained by a young body, well before real, physical maturity. Precision and wisdom, well beyond years, with a drive to satisfaction, unequaled by those beyond years. Mmmmmmmmmmm. Heaven.

Fears. I’m having them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m cool with the changes being made and what the future is going to bring to me. But I do have fear. Are the changes we need going to be made in time, will I be able to budget well enough to finish the changes on my own–if needed, will the legal paperwork be completed and filed beforehand? *sigh* I know this is still an up-in-the-air decision, and that many of these things were slated to be done, eventually. But the timeline has been pushed up, and I’m already feeling the crunch of trying to get things up and running in other parts of my life. The good thing, is that I’m awake again. My focus hasn’t completely recovered, but it’s getting there. I just need to schedule my life, and make sure that it stays on track (and that includes the business b.s. that I go through) and that everything co-operates with everything else (my day not being wasted by people who don’t understand schedules). I think I’m over-complicating things at this point, though. I really need to just sit back, make lists (yeah, I do make them), and start plotting destruction.

With that said, I’m sure some of you locals, that have more talent in areas that I don’t, will be getting calls on help with various projects. If it comes to that, I’m more than willing to spring for delicacies to repay your assistance.

In other news, my chest itches. A lot.

So, it seems there is a Poly conference coming up in February, in a city I was planning on visiting then anyway. Now, to contemplate whether or not I want to attend.

Strange, how some things happen, and how I move in various directions, just flowing with things. I find I’m absolutely excited about the arrival of Jacob, his woman, and their kidlet. In fact, for some odd reason, I’m seriously jumpy about the kid (baby-sitting duty, here I come). I’ve never been much of a kid fan, but as my close friends start spawning, I look forward to sending them out on dates with their SOs. No, I’m not feeling some biological clock ticking, if it is, the alarm hasn’t gone off yet and it’s not loud enough. If anything, I’m just enjoying the freedom I have right now, though, I’m itching to travel. I don’t think I’ll make it through the next two months of staying in place. I’ll probably have to take some day trips to satiate my appetite, but I really want to take weekend trips (my weekend), and that itch is a pain-in-the-ass to not scratch.

I was once asked, during a game, if I planned where my piece would be after my shot. I said No. I have a better answer that more related to the way I live my life.

I spend most of my day planning where I will be, or what will be in place long-term after a decision is made and carried out. That’s how I make my decisions, what are all the possibilities of an out-come and how will it effect things later. Sometimes, I need to not do that. Do mindless things that I can just walk through, with my brain pretty much turned off. Games are one of those things. They allow me to just sit back and be completely oblivious to how my decision is going to change the final outcome. It’s not life or death, it’s not anything close. Just pure fun. 🙂

Today, I walked outside at work and smelled the frost in the air. It was sooooooo pleasant. Makes me miss Illinois, that distinct scent that says summer is over, fall is here, and winter is on the way. I really felt alive. It seems that I’m in this reverse pagan mode, of sorts. During winter, it is the feminine that reigns over death and darkness. I can feel Morrigan poking around and stirring things up. Thankfully, this year it is not anger and violence, it is much more pleasant and fertile (get the hint, doesn’t involve kids). I’ve been lying dormant for the last couple of years, not doing much of anything. I’m starting to feel the creative drive opening up, ideas starting to flow towards me, pushing me to actually experience life, instead of sitting on the sidelines and analyzing it. The ironic part, is how thrilled my therpist will be. He’s been bugging me about my masculine/feminine imbalance, since I started seeing him. Every time I go in, he wants to know what I’ve done that could be viewed as feminine (for my personality). My usual answer is, “Well, I’ve been wearing make-up.” Now, I’m getting a facial, starting to feel more creative in my arts and feeling the desire to pick up my brushes and paint a picture of words. Today, at my women’s group, we made poppets. I made something that looks like it came out of the Dark Crystal, I’ll post a picture of it tomorrow. I took a withered branch and made it into this nice little dancer with dead bugs (gotta have the bugs). Listening to my music, I’m feeling the urge to dance again, I never recall why I stopped dancing, outside of the lack in likable music, but I did. My mum thought I was crazy, but the dance had gone out of me. I’m feeling it again. I also feel the desire to clear out a corner of the front room and get a piano. Of all the things that I’ve always had to have, it’s a piano. Running my fingers through a piece by Beethovan, challenging my ability as a pianist was the most exhilarating part of my day. I could spend hours on just chords alone, fingers jumping up and down. My mum jokes about my typing skills, little does she know she’s the one that improved their dexterity by setting the kitchen timer for 60 minutes a day. I’m even feeling the desire to sing again, regardless how raspy my voice is now. The concept of people hearing me no longer scares me, even if I’m completely out of tune. I’m opening up again. It’s just an amazing feeling.

In other news, I must give thanks to having friends who feed my fetish, and a boss who’s gracious enough to let me have whichever weekend it is I need to partake in fine dining.

In other, other news….My last post was in regards to not chatting with my best friend, and one of the loves of my life. Out of everyone I know right now, he’s the one I’ve known the longest, and the most intimately. I owe quite a bit to him, for everything he’s given me, and I wish him luck in his own future. But as that evolves, he’s stuck in Georgia for a time. And I look forward to him being here. Outside of that, there’s nothing major between us that anyone has missed. My apologies for giving that impression. Grumbl lovin’ ain’t exactly what the common speech thinks it is. *wink*

In other, other, other news…My hot pink iPod mini is on its way!!!!!! Woohoo!!!!! Makes me contemplate celebrating my birthday again….momentarily.