I spent today talking with one of my fears. It’s a residual one from when I was sick. Of all things that I fear going without, I fear that my mind has given out on me. Since I was sick, I’ve always had a problem remembering things. Every so often, I stumble and I forget things that should be simple. Like turning off the stove or oven, what happened 15 minutes ago, the name of someone I just met. I used to be good at these things, but over the years, they’ve been going downhill and I find it harder and harder to figure out whether it’s progressive, or me just slacking on memory skills. I’d like to think it’s just the memory skills and being too busy to stop and breathe, but something inside has been gnawing at me for the last 5 years saying otherwise.

I hate the idea of having to be one of the pyscho post-it note fanatics, but there’s no way I can get around it. If I can’t remember the most simplist of things, then I need to find a way to keep up with it.

On July 4th, most people observe the day with fireworks, a parade, celebrating the Declaration of Independence, yadda, yadda, yadda. For me it’s a bit different. See, this day, for the past couple of years has been a no-go. Mainly, as my Scotsman hasn’t been much of one for fireworks, and you can’t see much of them for the trees around our house. So this year, I’ve decided to do something a bit different, granted, I’ll be taking pictures of the fireworks for my friends overseas. This year, is my celebration of my own Independence.

April 1, 2000. I left a highly abusive relationship because it was changing who I was, and I didn’t like it. I began the road to rediscovering the person who had been cast aside. At this point in time, I believe I’ve found her, and I’ve found her stronger and more resilient than she was back in 1997 when I kicked her out. She has been integrated back into who I am now and I am at peace with her. As a result, I have become comfortable with the paradox that I exist as…the dual gender, strong woman, warrior, healer, male protector, hearth keeper, hunter. Society, at one point told me, that as a female, I could only have one spouse. Society, at one point told me that to be complete, I must have a spouse and kids. Nature told me that I could not love just one person. Nature also told me that kids were not on the “gonna have” list. After rebelling against that, hating children for the fact I couldn’t have them, bouncing from person to person because I couldn’t be with just one. I have become comfortable with knowing that I can’t settle for just one thing. But what I can settle for, is being who I am, regardless what society has told me to be. So, for today, I’m declaring my independence, and celebrating it, from society’s rules. I will make allowances for social mannerisms, but will no longer take my cues on who I should be, and how I should act as an individual, from what society tells me. I will act fully, in accordance with how I see fit, and as the individual situations dictate. Because I can be the shoulder to cry on, and the heartless bitch who will dig a heart out with a spoon, all in the same moment.

Anyone else wish to join me?

It dawned on me today, I’ve isolated myself from myself. The inner bitch that protects me from others, also protected me from my true nature. I’m a very giving person, she kept me from giving too much, even though she came off as extremely selfish. I don’t know why I alienated her, she never deserved it, and she stood her ground pretty well when someone else tried to evict her from my conscious. But I’m the one that betrayed her. I stopped talking to her, in an effort to grow into the person I figured I was to be. I started giving to everyone, except myself. Least, in the emotional sense, not the material sense.

In coming to work today, I realized that I wanted to do nothing but break down in tears. But again, I had clients who needed me, my priorities were again, outside of me. It’s a bad habit I’ve developed, in effort to keep myself alive, literally. Many a time, have my starts at suicide been broken by the fact that my cats are dependent upon me, not anyone else. I think if they were removed from me, it would break me because they are the one thing that I really consider when I’m in those dark spaces of myself.

But along that, I’m also becoming numb again. It’s an endless cycle for me, mainly due to it’s easy nature as a catch-all for dealing with emotions. I’m a bit overwhelmed by everything, ready to cast aside any relationship, including those I seek for greater than their current existence. I find it easier to just cast them aside and let them slide down into the mud pit of non-existence. It’s easier than having to decide if what I see there is what is actually there, or if there’s some hidden meaning attached to it. When I take things at face value, I tend to find later, that I missed a clue that I was supposed to get. When I take things at a literary value, I find that those are the times when it’s only what I see, that I am supposed to see.

I live my life in my heart. One of my clients pointed that out to me the other day. And it’s very true. My downfall is that I care too much. I feel too much, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I know all the emotions, especially anger – and probably more than most of my friends know it. I know love, I know when it hits me, and I know when it hits me hard. Which is one of the boots that kicked me into the abyss this time around. The things we do for love. It’s maddening because it makes us do things that are complete antithesis to who we are as an individual. It makes us stupid and it gives us our greatest fears. It turns us to blubbering fools when we should be concrete against an invading body. But, on the other-hand, it also sparks us to go beyond who we are and what we are capable of. It pushes us to be better, to put our lives in the hand of s/he who has also placed their life in our hands.

But is that really all there is?

I sit here, waiting to hit up the Doc. Posted to my spiritual blog this morning, the ritual set-up I’m going to put into place at the office. Had a long conversation with my mum about expectations in relationships, having to sit down with myself and decide where my priorities lie in having one. It hurt, I still tear up about it. But it was nice to finally have her understand that somethings that require a relationship (e.g. marriage and kids) are not a high priority on my to-do list, and find out that I’m not the only female in our family to run into that issue. Having a relationship, to me, is a nice thing to have. It is a want, not a need. I want certain people in my life, in certain capacities, they are the whipcream topping on a nice piece of pumpkin pie. They are there to bring greater meaning to my life, and hopefully I can provide that for them, as well. They are there for me to lean-on, and for me to support when the need requires it. I see it more as a give and take role, not a 50-50 partnership where everyone pulls their own weight 100% of the time. This is why relationships require so much communication and understanding. Its a language in its own, separate from the different languages spoken by each individual within it and each person needs to put forth the effort to speak this new language. It can’t be a case where only one is learning a new language. That makes things one-sided and makes it an individual relationship, instead of a inter-personal relationship.

I have to ask these questions of myself right now, between my focus on my training, and the care I have to put forth towards my clients, I have to decide what I need. I can’t spend my entire day with my focus outside of myself, right now, the only time that I can focus on myself is when I’m on the mat. Even with my training partner, my growth as a fighter is all within me and how I act and react towards my training partner, to help each other grow. I’d like to be able to have a couple of hours, where I can place my care in the hands of someone else, but I can’t trust that happening, unless I’m seeing my therapist, or setting aside a pamper day where I go and have a spa day. But again, that’s me doing all that. I’ve talked of the desire to just collapse, and being the weak one, but I can’t. I never can, because then I have to rely on my own strength to get me through it. There is no one outside of myself that I can fully depend on to be there, not that I’d fully want that either, because that’s not something I want to burden someone with, nor do I believe I can find someone who’d truly be willing to shoulder that voluntarily.

But where do I go from here? I guess that is up to the winds, should I allow them to carry me as they see fit. Or maybe, the answer lies in the questioning of my mentor…..”Which is more important to you, work, or magic?” As I turn that question around in my head, it’s quite clear that magic is more important, because when I look at it, everything I do is magic. Down to the bodywork I do on people, to the strength I seek on the mat.

Alright, I’m alive, I think. My eyes feel like they weigh about 20 lbs, but at least they’re open, barely. I’m really pissed off at the D*C people who deal with registration and fees. Went to grab my night badge last night so I could go hang with my friend on the venue floor, cost went from $10 to $20. Pissed me off to no end, but great thanks and a drink next year to the woman who fronted me the extra $10. Anyway….my latest friend is totally cool, it was really interesting to converse with him and get a view into the person he is, wish I could hang out with him more often than D*C. I guess it’s my thing with assholes, I get along with them too well. 😀

With that said, I’d like to issue a clarification to those who might get the initial impression that he had during one conversation…the people who end up classified as playmates in my friend structure, they’re not toys that I call up when I feel the need or desire for the things I can get from them. I like to get to know these people as friends, I care about them as friends and they ultimately get a special spot in my circle based on their position in my life. They know a more intimate part of me that some friends don’t get to see and I respect that, as well as what I end up knowing about them. I don’t use people, and I don’t like to give the impression that I am using someone, which goes back to why I don’t talk about details and some things regarding my sex life. Ultimately, those details are just between me and the partner/bf/playmate I was with for the evening. Hence, why if I do discuss what I do at certain points, names do not get passed, and identification details are not given. Yes, there are a few friends who know the names and visuals of my playmates, but that is because I trust them with keeping that knowledge to themselves, or they get lucky in picking up via a social setting.

So yeah. Don’t be expecting much in that regards, I loosely use the old Geisha code in this realm.

Anyway, D*C was great, enjoyed the time with my friends. Missed my Evil Sister (so remember, I have the Clam).

Also, those of you who got pictures of me, if you’d be so kind as to send them my way so I can post a gallery?

Walking down the dark stairwell…

Boundaries are a funny thing, as one of my psyche instructors used to say, you often don’t know they exist until you cross them. I have plenty of boundaries, regardless how far out into the boondocks they are. Some of them I know about because they were put into place after live-n-learn situations. Others, I completely trip over. And I’ve completely tripped over one, which doesn’t necessarily involve me as much as it involves others. Now, with that said, my usual course of action is to slowly work with it so that I can be comfortable with others. I can’t really force them into my boundaries, because it’s not fair to them. However, I can make concessions within myself, unless it’s just something that needs to be walked away from.

I have a situation that I don’t want to walk away from, but I recognize that it might not be something that can be worked out. And yes, this does have to do with me ceasing to read certain drama-inducing blogs, mainly as I don’t separate the real me from the cyber me. What you see here, is who I am rolled up in the nutshell that you might not get to access when speaking to me directly.

There are worlds, that I will have limited interaction with, as they are cool for a bit, but quickly lose their shiney, new smell with me – and continuing to interact with those worlds after that loss causes a distaste in my mouth as well as a shut down of certain things, otherwise known as over-load. Now, I don’t like to force people out of my life, who I otherwise consider intelligent, and interesting people. However, some sides are things I really don’t care to know. The unfortunate side of this whole situation, is that it’s causing rifts between me and someone I love and it’s bad enough that I’ve had to step back, and question whether or not I can really take that step forward again. I put up a shell filter there, and it has created some intimacy issues on my end. It leaves me questioning the truth of things, whether or not things were clearly communicated, and if it’s a path I can really continue down with this road-block in the way (I’m not talking about my lifestyle). I’m hoping I’m able to remove it, and be able to deal with things as they come, but I have to maintain some grasp of reality. I understand the motivations behind all the actions, and can understand and sympathize, but there is a threshold that will be reached, where the reactor safeguards must shut down to prevent an overload.

Now, onto my lifestyle. I’m polyamorous, I’m not wired for monogamous relationships. I can last in one for maybe 2-3 years before I start looking for an addition. I don’t do that because I don’t love my partner as much as I used to, it’s just a wiring thing and it’s hard to explain for me. However, I’ve never seen it as permission to run off and fuck everything on two legs with the proper equipment. I’m picky about who I allow into that realm of me, and I rarely, if ever, discuss those things with anyone outside of my Inner Circle; this goes for those on-line, as well as off-line.

With all that said, I feel as though I’ve been rendered obsolete. If Windows OS’s had feelings, I’m sure I could sympathize with them right now.

Ok, so I have this paranoia…namely, the fear of running off, or thinking that I’m running off people that I’m really interested in getting to know as a friend (not pursuing in the style of a physical relationship). I know that I have a fairly strong personality when I can manage to carry on a relaxed conversation and can be over-whelming for people who don’t expect my openness. I also know that I have a bad habit of rambling about the most off-topic shit when I’m in an uncomfortable situation, and as such, have developed the habit of just not saying anything, which can be off-putting as well. Not to mention coming off as pushy when wanting to hang out with a new person. So, with all that said….

What about my personality has attracted you into my circle of friends, or has caused you to question whether or not you really wanted to be friends with me? I’d rather have everyone cool with signing their names, because I can take criticism, especially when I ask for it. But, for those of you who aren’t, you’re welcome to sign anonymously and not sign your name at the end of your post.

Seriously though, I’d really like to know the opinions of you all. This is something that I’ve had an issue with for a while, and if possible, I’d like to get an idea of what’s appropriate and not appropriate in meeting people. But please, if you’re offering advice, I already know about the “be yourself” advice, and that’s usually the problem. 😀

Some secret parts of me hate that I can feel anything. It’s easier to feel cold and empty, and accept that, than to feel warm and ful-filled. When you’re cold and empty, you can’t lose anything else, when you’re warm and ful-filled, you can be drained. Sometimes, I just want to curl up and lock the world away, shut everyone out and hang up the “closed” sign. Cut all ties, and let the ribbons fall as they may. Sometimes, it’s just because it’s the easier route. Sometimes, it’s because I’m not strong enough to understand what I’m feeling and why I’m feeling it. It is difficult, and I don’t know if I’m going to make it though this.

Edit: I think I might actually puke over this. Least I got some good tears out.

I’m tired, worn out from the crap that’s been going on, and it’s only Tuesday. The really sad part, is my weekend was as close to a vacation as I could have gotten and it was nothing but absolute bliss. My goal is to track down the Whipping boy for a trip to the mountains tomorrow, or at least an escape to a coffeehaus in another city/state. I don’t know what’s going on, still having a slight disconnect from my Zoomie, which I’m slowly tracking down to his popularity and my desire to shun limelight. Yes, I talk about a bunch of personal stuff here, laying it all out and taking judgement as it comes, but really – I hate crowds, I hate lots of people, and I hate “adoring” fans who are so sickly sweet they’d melt if you added water. I know this is a contradiction in terms, especially in regards to my latest pursuits. I’m shoving myself into the limelight so that people can fawn all over my image, desire me, and shower me with all the attention in the world. If they do, power to them, otherwise, a simple “Wow, that’s hot. So what motivates you?” would rock my world. I like things to be in-depth, the people I will end up friends with are ones that will actually sit down and talk with me. Maybe that’s what I’m missing right now, meaningful chatter. Maybe that’s where the disconnect truly is, he’s slaving away at new-found success – which is great, and I’m happy for him. Means more growth to who he is, and I walk along the sidelines doing my own thing, waiting for a break.

Anyway, with things slowing down, a bit, I’m hoping to get some new entries into my pillow book. I have 3 in my head and I need to write them before I forget them. Might have to make notes to trigger the memories in the meantime.

Ya know, summer is not the time to look inward, that’s what winter is for, so why am I facing the wrong direction?