Month: April 2007

Sometimes, I have to sit and go back through the emails various people have sent me. Ya know, the ones that say “I love you” or “You mean so much to me” or something along those lines. They’re the things that sit in place of a physical hug, a meaningful smile or eyes with fire dancing in them as I look into them. They get me through days that start like this, where I wake up feeling run down. On the drive in, I started thinking about all the things pointing to me focusing on loving and appreciating myself more, and living up to my own expectations instead of others. Then I looked at how I’m living right now, and coming to the conclusion that I’m working on living up to the expectations of others, specifically my boss. I ram my head into the wall because I listen to her words and take them to heart, like I don’t do enough and realize I’m slipping back into the cycle of self-abuse that I broke free from years ago. I work so hard at trying to be what others need me to be at any given moment, and lose myself and sacrifice my own health for that of others. I need to break that cycle again, this time before I get too deep into it. I need to take some healing time for myself, get my arm worked on and keep the scar tissue from forming too badly. And learning to say no, instead of keeping silent in agreement.

An experiment in simplification…

Starting with my trip to Cali, I made the decision to start working with letting things go. I’m one of those people that has to have things scheduled, because if I don’t, I don’t get things done. My Professore told me once, that I complicate things. It was one of those off-comments that caused me to turn it over and over in my head and realize, “Well, it’s true.” I do complicate things. As much as I’ve prided myself on being fairly simple, easy to please, easy to understand…even though everyone else seemed to complicate that….I try to explain myself too much. I don’t just go with the flow. And over the last month, everything from things my chiropractic goddess would say, down to my horrorscopes, were all about simplifying things. So, I decided to start. I had two days in Cali with absolutely nothing planned. No hotel, no transportation, nothing. So I took care of that at the last minute and just let things slide into place as they moved. Granted, the hotel I ended up at on Wednesday night was not the best place in the world (and now I know which hotels to pay attention to, in that area). It’s starting to settle into my head. The last couple of weeks, I’ve been splitting my living quarters between the fight house (full of Brazilians) and my Scotsman’s house. Living with Brazilians is an interesting experience, especially given that they’re all fighters. It’s a really laid-back atmosphere and forces me to relax and just be in a moment. We train when we feel the pull, do other things when we feel like going in that direction, or just sit on our asses all day. It’s helping, I’m starting to get my focus back, even though I’m burned out on training and taking a break from that. But I don’t feel rushed to go anywhere or do anything in particular. We wake up when we need to, there’s only one alarm clock in the house, and it’s no where for me to hear it when it goes off. It’s almost like a part-time vacation for me. Now, to work on the social part of me…

Scorpio for this week:

“Dear Rob: My plan has been to steal the man I love right out from under his wife’s nose without feeling a raging case of the guilties. Here’s what I’ve discovered thus far: You can only do something like this if you’re not friends with his wife, and if you love the guy so much that the beating of your heart drowns out the drone of your conscience. Any advice? -Scorpio Under a Spell.” Dear Scorpio: It’s rarely a good idea to break up a committed intimate relationship by stealing one of its members, but it’s an especially unfavorable time to pursue that goal now. May I recommend instead that you sublimate the urge by seducing your inner male? It’s an excellent time for you Scorpios to get crazy sexy deep with the part of your psyche that feels like the opposite gender.

FreeWill Astrology

In going with my post from earlier, about relationships outside of myself, maybe it might not be a bad idea to seduce my inner male. Then again, maybe my crazy sexy deep part of my psyche is female….

Today has been an interesting day for horoscopes. First, I got this one:
Don’t set yourself up for frustration as the illuminating Sun transits your 7th House of Partnerships throughout the weeks ahead. You will likely be reminded of the insurmountable gulf between your attraction to complexity and someone else’s need for simplicity, especially as it impacts a current relationship. Even if you cannot bring these opposite approaches together, your awareness of both can make life easier. (

Which I find interesting sheerly on the point of the complexity/simplicity statement. Earlier this week, I tried to explain a bit of myself in email, and came close to failing because of my desire to explain something as thoroughly as possible, only to find that my passions outweighed my addressee’s ability to translate my words. I was told the next day that I complicate things. When I read this, this morning, it made complete sense to me. I worry so much about being mis-interpreted and put into a little box, that I fail to see how simplistic things really are, and to just live in the moment given to me.

Unconditional love is like a classic car: It never goes out of style. But you can fall out of practice. You have to train yourself to love people with a boundless sense of compassion. Why not practice it on yourself first?

How true, how true!!!! Which I think has happened. I need to recultivate this aspect of myself, as I do seem to be out of practice. I fell off of it when I got back from Pan-Ams and am feeling the void left by it. Been slacking on myself as well, and it all goes back to my whole complexity/simplicity issue. Maybe I’ll take this next month and try to wheedle things down a bit. I think I got caught up in trying to get back into the flow of things, as well as the fact that my schedule shifted significantly and the confusion in trying to settle into the new circus.

This is a good one…

Scorpio for this week:

In 1971, astronaut Edgar Mitchell was the sixth person to walk on the moon. Since then he has cultivated an interest in the paranormal. At one point he asked Buddhist lama Norbu Chen to attempt a psychic healing of his mother, who was legally blind. Norbu’s magic worked. Mom’s sight returned, and she was ecstatic. A few days later, however, she made a discovery that horrified her: Norbu wasn’t a Christian like her. “My mother believed that if such healing didn’t come from a Christian,” says Mitchell, “then it must come from Satan, and she didn’t want to be healed by Satan.” She then had a dramatic relapse, completely losing the gift Norbu had bestowed. The moral of the story, Scorpio: Don’t let your beliefs get in the way of your healing.

FreeWill Astrology

I think it’s perfect, especially given that I’ve been starting to work on another layer of my relationship issues. See, for the most part, I’ve taken time off of dating, getting close to a year and my relationship with my Scotsman has deepened immenesly and I’ve enjoyed every second of what I’ve discovered of myself in the process. We don’t have any arguments, I can focus on myself and he can focus on his self. The down-side, is that I’ve gotten so involved with my monogamous relationship with myself, that I’m finding it difficult to have a relationship with anyone outside of myself. I know I wanted to experiment and see if I was capable of having a monogamous type of relationship and I now know that I can, but am I capable of returning to my previous level of polyamoury, due to the monogamous nature of my current relationship? I’m finding the concept to be a difficult one to parse in my head. I know I’m poly by nature, but at what point do I deem it possible to allow for another person to enter my current relationship? How will that change the current things I’m working on within myself? And will it allow for further growth of myself?

I’m soooooooo tired and I’m dragging horribly. I have a full day today, and I’m finding the late nights and early mornings, coupled with long drives to train are starting to wear on me. I have a sleeping space at the Casa de GBA, but unless I’m expecting to stay there, I have the trek back to the house before work, which means early morning drive again. I’m hoping that things will settle into a pattern, or that I can find one to work with, soon. Either that, or once the 2 months are up, things move closer to town. Oh, would that be nice.

I think one of the other things that’s bothering me, is the fact that my teammates are a wee bit deprived at the moment, and me being the token female that’s always around them, I end up on the receiving end of attention. While it’s nice, being the attention whore that I am, it’s starting to wear on me. I want to be taken seriously in the gym, and I think I preferred it when I was just one of the guys. Having seen me at the fights last night, one of my teammates commented that he was going to come up and grab my ass, then realized who it was and did a double take. Nice compliment, but there ended the realization that I was female. On top of that, a few things I’m trying to keep quiet about for now, that I want to come out and declare, but can’t. It has to be hidden away, for now, and I don’t like hiding things. :/

On the upside, I’m fairly happy. Contrary to how I feel, it’s just the weight of a few things bearing down on me to the point I need to take a day and just sleep. But I won’t be able to do that till next week, as tomorrow starts another busy week. Maybe I’ll step back on training next week, and just show up to watch vs show up to train.

Scorpio for this week:

“I’ve found a nice balance,” writes Ash-land, one of my MySpace friends, “between living like someone who has overdosed on positive affirmations and someone who thinks everything and everyone sucks.” Are you interested in achieving a similar poise, Scorpio? Conditions are favorable for you to do so. The omens say you’re primed to cultivate true objectivity, not the fake cynical kind. And that means you could free yourself from negative emotional biases that cloud your ability to see the partially hidden beauty all around you.

FreeWill Astrology

Hrm, ditching the cynicism for the real stuff. Sounds good! But I will admit the need to ditch the negativity of late. Especially in regards to work (which, I’ll flesh out later on a different post).

In other news, I’m sore, tired and just want to sleep. One more day of training and I’ll have made it through my 1st week of five training days. Oof. Also got some other stuff going on, on that side of things, but this will just have to make me a tease, because I can’t discuss any of it yet. 😀

I have to say, the feeling of jealousy is an interesting emotion. Since last night, I’ve been turning it over and over in my head trying to make some sort of sense about what within me is making me feel this. A sense of loss? Maybe, and most likely. A sense of wanting what I can’t have? No, I have come to the conclusion that, that is not the case. It’s more like looking over the last couple of years and remembering what I had, as I watched it circle the drain, and seeing it rekindled anew elsewhere. Watching the cycle repeat itself, only this time, I’m the outsider looking through the window. I honestly can’t complain, as I’m the one who chose to seek the fleeting moments that I string together, vs the long-term rollercoaster of hills and valleys.

Of course, this could just be me crashing from the highs of the weekend and being over-socialized and wanting to spend a quiet night at home. Or it could just be me missing my boys, since they’re crashing too, and all of us just want space right now. Maybe I’ll make this a quiet weekend. Whispering only.

Scorpio for this week:

“I am fragile, delicate, and sensitive. That is my strength.” The Indian spiritual teacher Osho said that, and I hope you will now make a similar vow. The power that you’ll have available to you in the coming weeks will be very different from the power that conventional wisdom admires. It will be a moral force that stems from your courage to be joyfully awake in the face of chaos . . . a luxurious gravitas that’s rooted in your lucid vulnerability . . . a resilient authority that grows from your determination to meet every challenge with humble innocence.

FreeWill Astrology

Well, there’s a truth. The things that should make me weak, by virtue of being recognized by my conscience mind, become my strengths. By becoming “the fool”, my mind becomes empty to all perceptions, and greets each experience with new eyes to gain a newer perspective that might not have been seen with the previous eyes. Good stuff.