Day: April 28, 2007

Sometimes, I have to sit and go back through the emails various people have sent me. Ya know, the ones that say “I love you” or “You mean so much to me” or something along those lines. They’re the things that sit in place of a physical hug, a meaningful smile or eyes with fire dancing in them as I look into them. They get me through days that start like this, where I wake up feeling run down. On the drive in, I started thinking about all the things pointing to me focusing on loving and appreciating myself more, and living up to my own expectations instead of others. Then I looked at how I’m living right now, and coming to the conclusion that I’m working on living up to the expectations of others, specifically my boss. I ram my head into the wall because I listen to her words and take them to heart, like I don’t do enough and realize I’m slipping back into the cycle of self-abuse that I broke free from years ago. I work so hard at trying to be what others need me to be at any given moment, and lose myself and sacrifice my own health for that of others. I need to break that cycle again, this time before I get too deep into it. I need to take some healing time for myself, get my arm worked on and keep the scar tissue from forming too badly. And learning to say no, instead of keeping silent in agreement.