My site hit 10,000 hits today. That pops me up to around 100,000 + since I started this thing in 1997. I’ve undergone many growths and renovations to reflect it, and will continue in that vein as life goes on. I think the best thing I added was my journal, in both its incarnations on my own server and here at LiveJournal.

This site originally started as a project of me, something to give me a creative outlet and a means to speak out with the voice I’m still working to use. At first, it was just a single page about me, then I added poetry and links, then my rant essays, then the religions page, onto the religion revamped and then a journal and a guestbook that no longer works (but I’ve figured out the problem). This site has seen people come and go in my life, pictures of them fading in and out on various pages, the ones that mean the most still surrounding, ghosting the place.

It’s kind of amazing to think back to Skorpyon’s Lair (the original incarnation of this site), how it grew and then transformed into Freakchylde’s Playground when I left the chapter of Skorpyon behind me. I still have the final incarnation of that site on disk here. Sometimes I go through it and reminisce about things back then, the person I was, to see what changes I can still apply today. It just amazes me sometimes. The one thing that I’ve been able to fully dedicate myself to, besides my religion, is my website.

It’s kinda funny, and a few that visit can laugh at this one….when I find someone online who sparks my interest, instead of the “Here’s who I am” intro, I admit I suck at intros, and send them here. I’ve found it’s a good means for them to get info about me without me being self-conscious about letting too much out (as I have a habit of doing). But, it also manages to branch out the one-sided view of who I am. Yes, there is the outside persona that I tend to show to the general world, like the scorpion. Hard, ready to attack, guarding and watching those around me till I can get comfortable enough with them. Of course, that has been the point of this journal. Learning to open up, letting complete strangers into the workings of my mind and seeing the other parts of me. Bare and naked as I came into this world. And, for once in my life, the only real person who stiffles my interactions with the world, is me; not someone else.

9 comments

  1. hmmmmm

    Learning to open up, letting complete strangers into the workings of my mind and seeing the other parts of me.

    Sometimes it’s easier to talk to strangers. It’s easier to be honest with yourself if you know that you don’t owe that person anything and won’t be judged. Granted, it’s good to be honest with yourself all the time, and it’s good to allow people into your life, especially the ones who are good to you. But Admitedly, there are deep dark things that sometimes I feel like I could only tell a stranger. And the irony is, I find it comfortable to do it here on LJ. (yeah, yeah I pretty much know the people on my list, maybe never MET a few, but definitely know… But there is still that distance in proximity that makes it easier).

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  2. reminiscing…

    it is an complex phenomenon to interact with people in this medium, and i’ve found it incredibly enriching even in the short year i’ve been blogging. paper journals offered a way to look back at yourself, but they seem so limited now. online journaling affords an immediacy and diversity in content my regular journal didn’t offer, plus the contact and influence of outsiders cuts facets we wouldn’t otherwise see. and i’ve found friends that i wouldn’t have found if i weren’t a blogger.

    am i simply stating the obvious? pardon my verbosity, if i am. πŸ™‚
    alix

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    1. Re: reminiscing…

      Heh, who cares about verbosity!? I’ve never really been able to keep up with paper journals. I’ll start them, and just trail off after a few weeks. I’ve stuck with the online one, even the one that no one could comment on, for over 5 years. I like the fact that if I touch someone, they can comment back to me and give me knew ideas and perspectives. Kinda a way to passively enter the life of another. πŸ™‚

      And same here, most of my friends I know from online, somehow.

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  3. Hey there, and congrats to ya, babe. That’s awesome!

    It’s amazing isn’t it the growth that some of us go through. And regarding being self-concious, well I can relate completely. At times I’ve felt completely bare when writing, sometimes feeling as though I’ve let on too much about myself that makes me look weak. But hell that’s me. I’m learning to just accept it and not fear what others think.

    And talk about stifling interactions, I’ve done that often to myself. I’m learning to be accountable to myself. Anyway, great post. That makes me smile to hear your insights and it’s a blessing to be apart of your sphere.

    -Desult

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    1. Hey there! Thanks πŸ™‚

      And I completely relate with ya. I’ve always been a blunt person and willing to lay it out on the table if asked the right questions. I don’t see it as a weakness, because when you put it out in the open, you seal up the hole and take away any advantage that someone else might have.

      My problem, is that I take people by surprise with how open I am, and what I’m willing to put out here. Not so much an issue of what others think, but as to who I might be scaring off because I overpower them.

      Now, interactions….well, I can read people, but some are just outright difficult, but it’s usually because I have to get past my own assumptions. πŸ™‚

      And very welcome and sentiments returned! I love the information in your head, and it’s interesting to see another perspective on some similar things.

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      1. That’s so true. I always tried to put my “weakness” or faults out there, just so as it comes as no surprise to others. I always desired to be what you see is what you get. But I never thought of it as sealing a hole and any power one might have over me, that’s a reassuring way to look at it in knowing what I’m doing is being honorable and accountable.

        I think I understand by what you mean by taking people by surprise with it. Because for sure over the past several months by being so open and honest, or blunt, it’s like they didn’t know what the hell to do with it (the parties involved). I believe that they were moreso confused than anything, one said they were afraid of me, but I figured, “Fuck it, if you don’t get what’s in front of you, i.e. the directness, and you can’t take it for what is”, then it’s, “sorry dude, don’t know what to tell you and you may just not be worth my time if I need to sit here and walk you through the direct path I’ve given you to me, because in the mean time you’re making my life hell.” Does this make any sense? Maybe not, but just know I understand.

        The interactions and people’s demeanor’s, well I’ve got to do the same thing. It’s difficult at times, especially if they are psycho and uneven keeled (I know not really a word) individuals. Well, either that or I’ve assumed too much on others in the present from others in the past. I can’t help it though many of the paralleling similarities I’ve seen. Perhaps this is me repeating common mistakes.

        It’s a pleasure to come through here. I appreciated what you wrote. I need to stop by more often. I bet there’s more within here that I can relate to.

        -Desult

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