Day: June 1, 2005

Because montieth thinks this is absolutely hilarious…

Ok, so I’m slightly depressed and was obviously so when my parents came last week. In fact, being true to mum form, my mum had it figured out by the first hour. So anyway, she finally decides to call me today and let me know they made it back alright (despite the fact I said when you get in, and they bitch about me not following instructions. I wonder where I get it.) Anyway…So my mum calls today and launches into the questioning of being depressed. I didn’t want to tell her it it’s because my bf is overseas (whole discussion I really don’t want to get into), and the rain has ditched the joy that is the whipping boy and his harley and they got in earlier than expected so I couldn’t get my nature fix, and that they were intruding on my outdoor, nice sunshine time, and that they weren’t helpful when I asked them what they were up for doing. Needless to say, I defaulted on what I do, going to the gym, housework, business work, and being lazy. So while I’m being lectured on how I spend too much time in front of my laptop and not interacting with people, I’m watching vampire sex and people being served up on platters (God Bless USA). She doesn’t get the fact that a) it’s during the day and most people my age have day jobs and b) I took most of the week off and scheduled around their visit because I knew they were coming in. But alas, she wants me to pick up another job, which, if there’s a position for a gymnastics instructor at the local YMCA open, I might go for it. Then, (oh this is a pisser) she launches into me about my Scotsman’s dress slacks. See, he went to work late one day, and his dress slacks had Maus fur on them from laying them where the cat could sleep on them. But it’s my fault for not keeping his clothes clean and being a good little Hausfrau by doing so. Then she launches into him, at me, because he can’t go to work dressed like that because he’s too high up in the company to do so. WTF?!? I mean seriously, did she not see what he was wearing the rest of the week? Faded black ratty jeans, a ratty t-shirt and a sweater!

So yeah, I’m depressed and my mum thinks she can make things better by getting onto me about the responsibility for dressing my husband-person. Not like she did much, my dad was a stay-at-home dad, he kept her clean!

The one thing about journaling, is that I write most of my stuff in my head when I don’t have access to something to keep it out of my head. Right now, I’m analyzing a part of myself that I usually don’t pay attention to, and it’s actually something I’m really having a hard time vocalizing. Not because of some fear that others will think less of me, but because a few others would be more concerned than I feel is necessary. Fact is, I’m feeling a twinge of jealousy, and I’m actually deciding to explore the feeling and find out what triggers the feeling.

Ok, the reason I say there’s no need for concern, is because I find this feeling to be quite irrational. There’s no basis for it, much less anything to back up anything in my head for its cause. Not even some flippant excuse to give remote plausability to why it’s here. But, it is. And thus we trudge on.

I guess the easiest way for me to explain how it manifests to me, is the kid toy. You know, your friend gets this cool toy as a present, and you sit there wanting to play with it as well, but don’t get to, and this odd feeling that doesn’t quite count as resentment, but also doesn’t quite count as much of anything else, starts to bubble up and make you stop and say, WTF? Well, that’s kinda how it works for me, least as close as possible, because the minute I get an opportunity for the experience of playing with the toy, everything falls away and I walk away satisfied with the experience of knowing what I didn’t previous.

The reason this is odd, for me, is because when it comes to most things, I’m what could possibly be called apathetic. It’s not that I don’t care, though. It’s more because I don’t find most things to be absolute must-haves. I like to walk through my life like I’m on a coast-line. Feeling and experiencing the waves and sand as it comes and goes, not walking one way or the other because the surf must wash across my feet. To an extent, I’m fairly Zen about these things. If they come, yay, if they don’t I move on. If it’s an experience I need to have to grow, it will arise again and again until it manifests for me. I don’t consider things a missed chance, because they’re not, really. Least, not important enough for me to really consider them a missed chance.

Just weird. I’ll write more on this later. This is just what was written in my head last night.