The one thing about journaling, is that I write most of my stuff in my head when I don’t have access to something to keep it out of my head. Right now, I’m analyzing a part of myself that I usually don’t pay attention to, and it’s actually something I’m really having a hard time vocalizing. Not because of some fear that others will think less of me, but because a few others would be more concerned than I feel is necessary. Fact is, I’m feeling a twinge of jealousy, and I’m actually deciding to explore the feeling and find out what triggers the feeling.
Ok, the reason I say there’s no need for concern, is because I find this feeling to be quite irrational. There’s no basis for it, much less anything to back up anything in my head for its cause. Not even some flippant excuse to give remote plausability to why it’s here. But, it is. And thus we trudge on.
I guess the easiest way for me to explain how it manifests to me, is the kid toy. You know, your friend gets this cool toy as a present, and you sit there wanting to play with it as well, but don’t get to, and this odd feeling that doesn’t quite count as resentment, but also doesn’t quite count as much of anything else, starts to bubble up and make you stop and say, WTF? Well, that’s kinda how it works for me, least as close as possible, because the minute I get an opportunity for the experience of playing with the toy, everything falls away and I walk away satisfied with the experience of knowing what I didn’t previous.
The reason this is odd, for me, is because when it comes to most things, I’m what could possibly be called apathetic. It’s not that I don’t care, though. It’s more because I don’t find most things to be absolute must-haves. I like to walk through my life like I’m on a coast-line. Feeling and experiencing the waves and sand as it comes and goes, not walking one way or the other because the surf must wash across my feet. To an extent, I’m fairly Zen about these things. If they come, yay, if they don’t I move on. If it’s an experience I need to have to grow, it will arise again and again until it manifests for me. I don’t consider things a missed chance, because they’re not, really. Least, not important enough for me to really consider them a missed chance.
Just weird. I’ll write more on this later. This is just what was written in my head last night.
Sometimes this feeling is just part of our nature. We cannot do anything about it beacuse it is what makes us who we are. I feel the same way as you and have tried many things to cope with it…but in the long run, as Zen as is possible, one must just let the emotion (if it can be called as that) wash over you, allowing yourself to feel it…after all it is only then that it goes away. You are no less a person because of it.
Emotions like this need not make sense…it just is. If it did, I believe that the word is “logic.” Since when is human emotion logical? :p