Month: November 2004

I cried today. Not as many tears as I would have liked, but it was a good release, nonetheless. In the next couple of weeks I’ll be doing some work to facilitate more releases, to purge myself and start new. There is so much clutter inside of me that I need to purge, and things around me I need to pare down. I see my life starting new this year, my plan is to build from the ground up, and not being in the store will help me out with that. There are so many things that I want to include in my lifestyle, and the way I see it in my head. Right now, I can barely make the necessary changes to facilitate my goals.

Death, death comes for me tomorrow night. I welcome it. And I will re-enter this plane prepared and with the skills I need to move on from here. Change is coming, I sense it, like a creature of the wild. But unlike that creature, I will not run from it. Instead, I run towards it.

Interesting, especially given my sudden interest in paring down my collection of “things”

Scorpio for this week:

Materialism is our culture’s dominant ideology. It’s the specious doctrine that physical matter is the only reality and that nothing can be said to exist unless it’s perceivable by our five senses or detected by instruments we’ve created. Paradoxically, the proponents of materialism warn us to be skeptical about all phenomena that they don’t recognize as real, even as they fanatically avoid skepticism about their own fundamentalist assumptions! I urge you to undertake an inquiry into the ways your outlook on the world has been hemmed in by this crippling superstition, Scorpio. Begin immediately. In 2005, you’ll be offered abundant help from spiritual sources. If you’re overly influenced by materialism, you’ll have trouble recognizing and accessing those riches.

FreeWill Astrology

Fears. I’m having them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m cool with the changes being made and what the future is going to bring to me. But I do have fear. Are the changes we need going to be made in time, will I be able to budget well enough to finish the changes on my own–if needed, will the legal paperwork be completed and filed beforehand? *sigh* I know this is still an up-in-the-air decision, and that many of these things were slated to be done, eventually. But the timeline has been pushed up, and I’m already feeling the crunch of trying to get things up and running in other parts of my life. The good thing, is that I’m awake again. My focus hasn’t completely recovered, but it’s getting there. I just need to schedule my life, and make sure that it stays on track (and that includes the business b.s. that I go through) and that everything co-operates with everything else (my day not being wasted by people who don’t understand schedules). I think I’m over-complicating things at this point, though. I really need to just sit back, make lists (yeah, I do make them), and start plotting destruction.

With that said, I’m sure some of you locals, that have more talent in areas that I don’t, will be getting calls on help with various projects. If it comes to that, I’m more than willing to spring for delicacies to repay your assistance.

In other news, my chest itches. A lot.

I’m finally awake again (yeah, for some stupid reason I got up around 8-9ish). Last night was awesome, watching everyone geek out. I’m definitely up for that game on a 1-on-1 trial, so I can get used to it, before doing something like that again. Even told the Scotsman, if he wants to get it, he’s welcome to, and I’ll be more than happy to run around and shoot at him. Work wasn’t so bad, had a few friends come in, small chit-chat, nothing much. Then headed off to the game and chatted with some more netfriends as my boys geeked out. I actually had fun just sitting around and watching it, granted, I started to trigger a migraine at one point, because I was sitting too close to one of the big screen t.v’s. However, coffee is a much usefull deterrant for that.

Also got some more ideas for what’s gonna go on at PPVI. Much evilness will abound, and hopefully one of my friends will be able to accompany me, should either of them be up for it. Of course, that will be decided, mainly, by who’s still on this continent when it happens. I’m gonna stock up on massive quantities of coffee, and my own coffeemaker to supply me. The ritual trip to Starsucks or Choco Late will still happen, because I can’t let my backstage boys down for their all-nighter. I’ll probably get more this year, as it ran out pretty quickly last year. Need to call about my room inquiry, to find out if those room set-ups are as customizable as I think they are.

In other news, I’m trying to decide what colour I want for my hair. This natural brown shade is not doing it for me, at all. I figure I’ll go another month, or so, to let it get healthy again, and then go red, with black highlights, or something like that. Maybe purple/black highlights. Not sure yet, and I’m open to suggestions/ideas, so let me know.

One week from today, is my grove initiation. I’m looking forward to it, with no fear. The only hope I have, is that my store boss gives me that Saturday off. There’s no bloody way I’ll manage another all-nighter that keeps me awake till I get off work. But I’m happy, I didn’t want to wait till spring, and they’re nice enough to make sure I don’t freeze my ass off.

Ok, this is really weird….

“Alfred Kinsey is responsible in part for my generation being forced to deal face-to-face with the devastating consequences of sexually transmitted diseases, pornography and abortion,” said Brandi Swindell, head of a college-oriented group called Generation Life that plans to picket theaters showing the film.

Kinsey – the film

Now, my question…If someone is responsible to opening eyes to the devestating effects of sexual irresponsibility, how exactly is that a bad thing? And why would one picket for that reason?

So, I’m seriously contemplating going to this conference in PA. If all plans hold, till then, I’ll be able to take my time in getting up there, and getting back. So far, the panels look pretty interesting to me, and I’ll be able to have time doing touristy stuff (like visiting all the places my parents wanted me to see). Decisions, decisions. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Outlines….

I caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye.
My imagination betrayed me, you were real.
Stepping in places you weren’t supposed to be.

Not here, ever.
You were supposed to be gone, forever.
Out of sight, out of mind.

But no, you had to return.
Why? I don’t know.
Nor do I care.

As long as you are gone again.
You betrayed my trust.
Acting as if nothing happened.

As if you’ve been forgiven.
That won’t happen.
You haven’t earned it.

Stuttering around me.
Think I cared?
You are a dead man walking.

____________________________

You should have stayed home, passing by, seeing the facade on the side of the road. You weren’t meant to stop. I don’t know what you were really looking for, in walking through that door. I gave you up a long time ago, that time should be longer, but I was weak. It took me much time to open my eyes and see past my heart. I allowed too much to go into my illusion of us. It was childish, I admit. I’ve learned, though, and grown through it. I have moved onto better things. People who understand the value of honesty, they know when and what secrets to tell.

Seeing you unleashed memories, but not the pleasant ones you might wish for. Those aren’t around anymore, passed off as the lies they were. Hidden desires, how heartfelt is unknown, pathetic. Opinions aren’t many, if there really are any.