Freakchylde's

Well, I’m prepping for my trip. I leave Wednesday and I’ll have about a 3-4 hour layover in NYC, between 3-7P I can’t guarantee that I’ll actually be able to leave the terminal but if any of you guys want to shoot me your number, I’ll give you a call if possible. I’m hoping to post my travels, at least once a day, no guarantees though. Anyway, need to get back to packing.

Thanksgiving was good, turkey turned out well and had a good turn-out at the Orphan party. Was happy to see the people I don’t normally get to see lately due to my hermit-like qualities of late, even heard from libidoergosum, which is always wonderful.

Today has been fairly laid back, prepping work-stuff so that at least the major stuff is taken care of before I ship out. Have all the prelim schedules ready to go out tomorrow, and taking care of some small stuff around here before I drag the suitcase down to start packing.

This morning, Maus caught a mouse, and my Scotsman had me take Elan outside to play with it. The little nut ran everywhere but to where the mouse was. Even Maus was looking at her like she was weird. Still pretty funny. I didn’t get a call from my parents yesterday, so I’m not sure what’s up with that. Don’t even know what they did for Thanksgiving this year. Guess it was fairly low key at Gram’s house. Probably a good thing.

Anyway, not much introspection I wish to speak of right now, would like to keep it where it’s at right now. Does make me a bit lonely, but I can’t say I’ve really wanted to speak what’s in my head of late, least not to a general populace. Sometimes, I hate cross-roads, because you have to sit an ponder them for a bit. Hopefully, I will have a clearer head when I return.

And yes, I do hope to be able to post some here while I am over there. Probably won’t get many pictures, but I’ll at least be able to post my travel journal. So feel free to be checking back here for it.

My wonderful male captor (mrpoisongirl) posted something similar on his journal, so here is mine:

I am thankful for:
Still being alive, even though half the time I wish I weren’t.
Being at the point I am right now.
My parents, given all the damage we’ve done to each other, we can still act as family.
My Grove family, they’ve done more to help me than I can begin to describe.
My Scotsman, for reaching out and helping me up to my feet.
My Bitch for hitting me upside the head when I needed it.
Zoomie, for supporting me when I needed it, and loving me through it all.
My Evil Twin, for the unconditional love that she gives me, and allows me to give to her.
My Evil Fraternal Twin, for re-lighting the spark in me that pushed me to live again.
Having the amount of love in my life that I do now.
Friends to share our joys and trials with.
Teammates who are absolutely wonderful and supportive.
The UFC forum for being full of so many cool people that I can call my friend.
My Prog buddies that make one weekend a year absolutely amazing.

All the new people I met this year, you guys are amazing and I didn’t think it possible to have that many amazing people all at once.

What most people don’t realize, is that my friends are my family. All of you who’ve been let into my world are those I consider family. We have no blood ties, but we are of each other’s blood. You are who I am really greatful for, because without you I wouldn’t be able to really share myself and open up. I am extremely greatful that I have gotten to know all of you, and I keep you all in my heart and thoughts at all time. I hope that my presence in your life has given you as much as you have given me. Beocecht!

It’s strange, I sit here looking out the window staring at the poor guard dog in the gallery across the street. I guess he has it better than the guard dogs in the uhaul center next door. Walking out of the house to get here, you could vaguely smell the scent of winter, least, as clear as you can potentially get it in this place. The cold makes a distinct aroma that most Southerners don’t understand till they spend the in-between season up north and actually watch this transition. You can vaguely detect a hint of snow, around here it’s just a tease of mother nature, we know it won’t happen. Some of the bred Southerners already have fires going, which helps note the season change with that peculiar scent of store bought wood. Not the same if you cut it yourself and stack it.

People bundled up as if we’ve already gone through the first freeze, or they’re getting prepared for one of their few interactions with a real winter in Aspen or Vale. They never got the chance to really appreciate a good pair of Moon Boots, much less what they were, or be stuffed into a snow suit that creates the stick figure they laugh at in A Christmas Story.

The one benefit, is the new Atlantic Station, as you come south into town, has the lights up and the festivities for this weekend and the coming month blaring away. I think that’s the closest to seeing the feel of winter I’ve had down here. For some reason, Atlanta is much more subdued on Christmas, and winter in general, than you get up in, say, Chicago. They celebrate, as does NYC, I’m sure (but I haven’t lived there to find out). I find that rather odd for an area that prides itself as being part of the Christian south. You’d never know it if it weren’t for the cheesy pop carols that play in the stores the week after Halloween. The closest we come is the trees of lights on top of Piedmont Hospital and Stone Mountain.

I have to say, I do miss a good snow ball fight, or making snow angels on the school playground, or even having a real reason to light a fire. Every year, my ET sends me pics of snow (or at least she tries to get a decent pic). I hope this year that I do make it up north during winter, with enough time to appreciate it, I really need the actual season change, here, you get hot, warm and cold. The closest we get to snow is lots of sleet or hail. Kinda sad, really.

I guess I just want to feel something other than the gaping hole that I’m feeling now. Not even sure what I really want at the moment, to the point I’ll settle for whatever I get.

With that, my apologies to those I might seem to be bugging a lot. I just want to collapse right now. Been wanting to sleep a lot, which usually accompanies depression. My attempts at reaching out are just my means of staying awake, finding a reason to get through another day. I’d rather have the shared solitude of a phone call without words, than a loud, chattering conversation. I find silence to be a much better form of communication than words, which, oftentimes just cloud their own meaning.

Two souls sharing space, reaching out and entwining with the other till they cease to be separate entities and instead fall into each other creating something new, fulfilling each other and growing in their own manner. That need to connect, tap into the part that makes us animal and the part that defines us as human.

Not much has been going on. Been laying low the last couple of days, went out to industrialreich‘s Halo Party last night. nuit23 is awesome in the fact that he could provide me with the net connection to run TUF chat last night. One of these days, I will join in, provided I can use one of the non-vibrating controls – that was pretty freaky. Honestly, I miss my gaming console, I should have snagged one in the separation.

Discussions to make my living in this house tolerable are on-going. I’m going to make an effort to make it hospitable to me. I have a plan in my head on what all I need to do once I get back from Italy, planning on using my break for mind-clearing. Italy was always good for that, several of my past major decisions about my life have been made there, it’s great for mind-clearing. I should be able to come back all ready to hit the ground running.

So I’m back to being on the low end of things. Usually I enjoy talking to my mum, but I shouldn’t have done so before going to class. Needless to say, I got there and wasn’t in the mood to roll, so I came home. If I can’t leave it at the door, then I don’t need to walk through it. Also feeling a bit helpless again. I hate where I’m at, I really do. Not much I can motivate myself to do, other than sit on my ass on my laptop and whimper on the inside. I get up to go work on something, get 2 minutes into it and then just want to destroy it so I don’t have to bother with it. This shit sucks the life out of me, I gotta find a new place to be other than home. I can’t stay here all day anymore, I don’t care if it means projects don’t get done, they won’t really get done anyway. My life is the same boring ass shit every bloody day. There’s nothing new that I can inspire myself with, and pushing along becomes futile when you’re pushing against a brick wall. I need change, I feel stagnant.

News of the day:

The Mhorrighain is having some fun….dead chipmunk in my workroom this morning, before my eyes stopped being foggy (least it wasn’t in pieces). It’s a sign, of something, I have an idea, but yet again, I won’t be discussing it.

My ray of Sunshine at the hotel gave me ammo, finally. She failed to show up for our meeting this morning, and failed to inform me that she would be taking a week’s vacation. In fact, she said one of her employees had this week off.

Otherwise, I’m doing quite well. Things are slowly shifting back to normal for me, with the exception of a few things. Hopefully, that can be worked out tomorrow. I’ve been bored out of my head for the last couple of weeks. It’s like if I’m not training, I can’t think of anything else to do. If it weren’t for the fact that I’m trying to conserve cash, I’d keep my gym membership just so I can go work out the rest of the day. I need another job, having too much difficulty sitting still and doing work. Maybe I’ll splurge and go rock climbing next week. I do miss that, and my gear needs some exercise. I’m trying to fit in some time for simple house projects, but I decided on that stuff a bit too late. Gonna have to wait till tomorrow to take care of some of that stuff. Gah!

So, anyone local up to start running in Piedmont after I get back from Italy?

Speaking of, I’m a bit nervous about Italy. I know I’ll have fun, just hoping it doesn’t run face first into a brick wall.

This past weekend, an amazing person, during one of our conversations told me I wasn’t a dominant personality. But, that I flocked to that personality. This is partially true. At one point, regardless how shy I was, I forced my way. It was all about me and no one else, others didn’t matter to me. As many of you here have read previous, I allowed myself to be broken because I thought I was in love with someone. What you see now, is the rebuild of me, from who I became. The reason I flock to people with dominant personalities, is not because it’s something I need, but because it’s something I am seeking to rebuild. They are people I wish to learn from, to rediscover that person within me, and bring her out again. I am not a needy person who needs someone else to do everything for me, I’m not helpless and I abhor when I’m feeling that I’m either being forced into that role or pushed in that direction.

In talking with benmech the other night, he was joking about sending me some Ibsen plays. The first thing into my head was that I was feeling like I was a part of The Doll House. Being seen as one character, when the internal character is completely different due to the ignorance of the other characters. It’s an interesting contrast for me, will probably go back and read that play again. And things will change.