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I guess I should update…

Liquid diets suck ass. My sugar levels are totally fucked thanks to it. But hey, awesome ice cream (that spikes me like there’s no tomorrow).

Anyway, at some point I’ll post some pictures under a cut. It’s not pretty, but my Doc’s are all happy with the progress minus last night’s little setback. My Peri Doc was impressed with my picture taking ability, she said most dentists can’t send that clear of picture to her. Ortho Doc was happy with the fact that my teeth are moving naturally into place – so am I. The only problem is my bottom teeth want to shift but the membrane and bone graft are preventing it. But…both are growing quite nicely so the Peri Doc is thrilled.

My setback was pretty nasty, so I’m on the kill everything antibiotic now. Spent most of the night walking around and not sleeping because of the swelling and fever. The hydrocodone didn’t even touch it. Ended up having to call out of both jobs today, so really need to do some gifting at the gym for the coverage. This morning, the Peri Doc cleaned things out (without novocaine) and glued me up. Spent the rest of the day trying not to puke and alternating between hot showers and sleeping. I’m pretty convinced that I had a sinus migraine on top of everything. But fever has broken, headache is gone, and I can eat – a little. I can’t believe the amount of pills I have to pop these days. Calcium, probiotics, hydro, clindamycin, sudafed, and who knows what else will be added to that. I’m really hoping that this is the worst of it. Not sure I can handle a year of this. I broke down today because I thought I might end up in the hospital with a really nasty infection. I wish this shit would happen on a weekend.

And PS – bone grafts look like maggots.

Ugh…

So I’m on day 3 of “how much pain can I take”. Surprisingly, my wisdom tooth socket is only slightly present. It hasn’t given me any trouble, but my face looks like celebrity gone wild at the collagen injection clinic. The new gums look pretty, I can’t brush them yet so they feel really weird. The front teeth are super loose, which worries me and makes me talk funny and eat even funnier. But pain meds are my friends these days. Which sucks because I had the wrong ones at work yesterday. I had the remainder of Pastry’s oxytocin and a half bottle of Motrin. I had grabbed my hydrocodone but forgot to put it in my bag. Needless to say, when I got home I ran to the bottle, downed 2, and then hopped into my Saturday night ritual bath to relax. It irritated me because it meant I missed my co-worker’s after-wedding party for the staff. I wanted to go. But was napping on and off by the time her party started. Pastry set me up with Netflix on his game system and I spent the majority of it watching Blue Bloods. But I am thankful to a husband who asked what I wanted to eat, and when I said Velveeta mac ‘n cheese he went to the store, blinked at the price, and got the fixings to make home made mac ‘n cheese instead.

I purposely kept my work days slow, but even with my spaced out schedule on Saturday, I think I over-did it. Had several talkative clients and didn’t even think about the fact that talking ups the pain level. Now I know, and knowing is half the battle [GI Joe]. Tomorrow I call the Doc to see about a refill, if the pain spikes don’t drop. I only have a couple hydrocodone’s left. I’m also wondering if I should call my ortho and reschedule this week’s appt. I don’t think my mouth can handle getting the wires on the bottom right now. Or maybe I’ll just see if he’ll skip putting them on the front of the bottom teeth for now.

Oh, and the mostly liquid diet, yeah, not working for me. I know with my adrenal fatigue protein and fat meals keep me from going skitzy in the head, but I have to have a little carb in there. Most of the food I have been eating the last couple of days doesn’t fulfill that need. So when I went to pick up my bath bomb at LUSH, I stopped by the pretzel stand and grabbed one. Thank you Auntie Anne, hit the spot.

And in case anyone is wondering, my Dr showed me the step-by-step pics of what she did. The bone graft looked like maggots before she sealed it up, which was interesting. I also had 2 holes at the bottom of my lower jaw. They don’t exist anymore, but they were genetic not anything that I had done, to her knowledge.

And much thanks to friends and bosses who know their pharmacology. I’m never a big fan of drugs, but the last thing I want to do is overdose, but with this I’m not a fan of underdosing either.

Gearing up…

Tomorrow is the first of “big days” in my treatment. The teeth come out. The positive is that they’re crowded already so it won’t be much of a gap. I’m already talking funny because I have too much stuff in my mouth. But that’s ok. I’m dealing.

I am finding my anxiety is getting worse, which is weird. It’s all money related because this shit ain’t cheap and the Drs will only deal with insurance in the manner of sending it in. I have to pay out first, insurance reimburses me. Seriously fucked up shit, but I can’t blame the Drs, I don’t want to deal with insurance.

The best part, I’m starting to get back into my head on the deeper topics. Been rolling around ideas about wisdom and truth and how they play out in Biblical stories with that cast of characters. I can’t remember the movie that sparked that thought process, but I’m glad it did because I need to ponder that those things. I also need to get off my ass and email/call my elder so we can start our monthly sit-downs. I have ideas on where to start, but I find I work better with guides, and that gives me a tribe connection – which has sorely been missing of late. Bit by bit I’m disappearing. I don’t know why I feel like that, because I’ve almost always felt like the loner. Even in groups. Some connection that I just can’t see, always out of my reach or sight that prevents me from actually feeling like I am really part of a group.

I just don’t get what I’m missing from that equation. And it hit me hard yesterday. I’m making my way through the Robin Williams part of my Netflix queue, and like 20/20 hindsight of David Foster Wallace, this manner of death casts a shadow on how I interpret his works of late. Yesterday, I watched World’s Greatest Dad. Given the issues he was dealing with in his real life, it made the words stick out all the more. Did he choose that script because of what was going on in his head? Was that his call out for help? Did everyone miss it because it wasn’t in wide release? But the best part was when he told everyone off, walking into the natatorium, stripped down and jumped naked off the high dive. That’s kinda how I feel. Except he was casting off society to join a small group of outliers that shared a love of horror movies and odd psychosis. I don’t feel I have that. Or maybe it’s just the burrowing season of winter that throws me into my cave for self-reflection. Or maybe just perspective of that, and it’s all just a temporary illusion of the season.

When I’m out, I don’t know why, but it feels like I’m walking into the shallow end of the kiddie pool. I think I’d rather be at the meeting of some philosophy club discussing the deeper meaning of Kierkegaard. I would like to enjoy the kiddie pool, but I think my brain is screaming out for exercise, too. Need to figure that one out.

Random musings…

Honestly, I don’t really have a whole lot to talk about. I did, but I forgot it all. The main contemplation has been trying to focus in trusting the universe to take care of me, the way it normally does. It’s hard, but I’m taking it one step at a time. Trying to not freak out at every little thing and taking a deep breath. Focus on the small things. The things I can control.

The positive, work is increasing. My fingers are crossed that this will continue and when I do get slammed I am reminding myself that it’s a good thing. Change is happening and in order for the good stuff to come in old things need to be cleared out. My thinking has to change and shift with everything that is happening.

I also need to get out of this rut. Sleeping too much, staying in bed too much. Not sure if it’s winter, or just residuals.

My horrorscope for the day…

You're feeling an intense sense of healing emanating from somewhere deep — so deep that you may not even realize where it's coming from. Try not to worry about it too much, as it's strictly positive.

I ended up with a day off, so far. So with all stress I've been under with the paranoid watching of my car out the window, and randomly hitting the lock/unlock buttons on my remote – just in case someone's under it – I managed to sleep in. I think the CatBox is pretty safe during the day, since there are no cars around to hide someone slinking around it. But all this stuff does lead me to question – what exactly is the cause of all of this? Is this a purge going on so I can move forward? Is this a sign that I'm moving in the wrong direction on something? And if so, what something is going in the wrong direction? Everything that has happened in the last 3 months has been personal and hitting at my home and my heart – but most of the physical damage has been to my bank account. And that last part, is where the stress comes from. The pattern seems to be that we get within range of paying off all credit cards, then something major hits and jacks us back up to where we don't want to be. I'm not sure if it's a taunt to clear out the savings account, or if it's just a reminder of where things just naturally are for now. Given all the crap that happened in November, I was hopeful that this was going to be a recovery year. Where growth would happen and I'd be able to start doing all the nice things for my friends that I used to do, and be able to go visit them for weekend get-aways.

But instead, I'm left waiting on my percentage of insurance reimbursement, and then having to divvy that up so I can pay out the next thing that I will have to wait for reimbursement on. I've been telling myself to trust in the universe, it hasn't let me down yet. But it's playing a semi-nasty game of monkey in the middle with me right now. I want to trust, but I also want to go back to sleep and not wake up till all of this is over.

My positives: My intermediate class is almost full on Wednesdays. I'm finding my way with them, even the difficult one. I'm starting to get interest in private yoga classes. I have an Alpine snuggling with me and coffee. A dreary day, but it's absolutely amazing to look out the window at it.

The Merry-go-round…

Talked to the detective today. She seems pretty cool, even though she admits she can't make the life/lives of the person(s) who stole the stuff off my car miserable. I'm staying fairly positive, because when it started the only thing I could do was laugh. Not the funny ha-ha kind, but the "OMG, this is so absurd, really?" The insurance nightmare that I thought would ensue has been abated, they're paying the entire bill minus my deductible.

Though, the awesome…went to a dinner party at my friend's house. It was nice and small and wonderful. Not too taxing on my social withdrawal needs, but good for my being social factor. I have 4 gymnstics classes that I'm teaching. Start Wednesday, hoping this positivity will over-flow into my business for the year. Need to quit slacking on the yoga. But all this other stuff has been pulling me away from that focus. I have been meditating, so that's good. It's steps in the right direction. But I readily admit, I was a total slacker today. Didn't need to go to work, so I hung out at home. Didn't want to run around too much, as I have been waiting on the mechanic to tell me the CatBox is ready to go home. Still haven't seen the neighbor's Element, but my guess is that she's waiting on the insurance and not doing what I did and forcing the insurance to work faster than they want to work.

But I have a kitten on my lap, so it's ok. This too shall pass.

Ugh…(much bitching ahead skip if needed)

This day can just not get any better. Started out great…then I got to the office. It seems over the weekend something happened and the top drawer in my file cabinet decided to relocate further towards the middle drawer. In doing so, it jacked up the lock on the locked drawers – you know those ones that only I'm supposed to have access to? Well, 3 hours later, I fixed it. Still can't fix the lock, so I'll have to get a new file cabinet. Also found out that my printer doesn't feel like printing. It didn't feel like scanning either, which would be nice, except for the fact that all of Pastry's gov't bullshit has to go out tonight. Then, go to write the check, well – not enough money in the checking account and I don't have any checks for the account that does. Basically, the fees add up to half a month's check. Nice, isn't it? Gov't punishes those who do it legally and rewards those who don't. I wish he'd come from a country that gets the sympathy vote and an Executive Order that allows a mostly free pass with fines that aren't near what the legal folks have to pay. Oh, and Google has decided that I can't log in to my mail. Isn't that nice?

I'm so over this day. I'm beyond pissed.

Oh, I signed the check "Legal Immigration fine". Yeah, I'm in that kind of mood. Hopefully, sleep makes it go away.