In the world of fighting…

I broke down today and left the mat without permission. I cracked miserably, mainly, as normal, from all the crap that is going on around me, but also because I’m getting frustrated because I don’t feel I’m getting anything out of my training. As I decided to suck it up, wipe my eyes and head back in, my instructor walked out the door and asked me what was wrong. I broke down in tears. I think that’s the first time he’s ever seen me cry, even with the weak smile from him mimicking me – in the stance my family refers to as “mmmmmmmmad”. We had a long talk about what was lacking in my game, and how we need to work on creating one that is made up of all the moves that work best for me. He also made a point of telling me about everything I was doing right, and how he’s watched lower belts beating the crap out of Kyria Gracie and the current world champion Ana-Laura (both well earned black belts on our team). He commended me for showing up to work technique, through all my injuries, and the fact that I’m not as schitzo on the mat as I used to be. I know what he’s saying, but I’m still frustrated with it all. I know I have good defense, I just get tired of constantly being on the bottom with bigger people. I’m tired of staying in one place, and it pisses me off and puts me in the mindset that gets me injured.

I’m ohhhhhhh soooooooo goth.