I guess I really am an emotional masochist. I love handing out my heart for it to be stomped on, preferably as often as possible. I wish I could stop caring, I really wish I could.
This is a letter I have been trying to write for about a month now. At first, the thoughts flooded my pen and became jumbled, in trying to write down all that is indescribable. Then, they became blocked with things that were dark and hidden. But now, I sit back and imagine being in your arms again, feeling everything just melt away from me as I inhale your scent and begin to disappear into your existence. Closing my eyes and just feeling completely at peace in total love for you. I have no fear there, of you, of how I feel, or even of what may yet come. I just exist in that small moment of time, as if it were eternity, not screaming with pure joy, but singing in the soft tones of a lullaby.
In the past, you have brought me confusion. Not because you were someone I could not have, but because you brought me to a place in myself I have never been before. My only means of describing the sense of overwhelming joy and peace, was that this must be Nirvana. That place within myself, where the world just made absolute sense and I was connected to and in love with all of it. Of all the things I have studied to reach this point, the simplest means was the acceptance and openness I felt from you.
For a while, after realizing what was happening, I stood at the edge of the calm eye of the storm around me. Tempted by the chaos in the winds, but taunting them myself, by standing there and just letting them whip around me. I know, that those winds cannot overpower me. My love for you and all that is beautiful within you is a strength of its own and has allowed me to find my own strength again. At one point, I was consumed by everything, the way the ocean can consume everything that ventures into it. But instead of running from it, I found the joy in letting the waves wash over me and play with me as they pleased. In turn, playing with them myself, and finding a new companion that was separate and a part of me, all at once. Just as I feel you are separate, yet a part of me and always with me.
Because of that, I want to love you. I want to love you even more, not just as a part of everything around me, but as who you are at the core of your being, as the person who stands before me. I want to love your smile, the feel of your fingers tracing against my skin, the warmth of your body holding me as I fall asleep and just the presence of being next to you. I want to love the sparkle within the clouds of your eyes, which drives you through each day. I want to love your soul, and everything that it contains, but I don’t want you to fear that love and I don’t want you to fear me because of it. There are no rules in how I feel, especially what I all I feel for you and what all I want to share with you. There is no obligation or requirement that comes with it. I just want you to enjoy being loved, and enjoy the world that I see, because of you, and to share it all with me.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You’re pretty smart, Scorpio, but would you like to become even smarter in 2008? It’s quite possible that you will get more skilled at managing and solving your personal problems. You may also become a better judge of character and develop a brilliant knack for knowing what’s good for you. There’s one main thing you have to do in order to ensure that you will fully activate these potentials: Become more generous. Here’s your thought for the year, courtesy of Eleanor Roosevelt: “The giving of love is an education it itself.”
While this seems to be the theme for my 30s, I’m not going to argue it. However, the concept as it stands is a murky one, given that I want to step back in to the limelight, but I can not do that encumbered as I currently am. I must shed some more skin and sever some more ties, so that they may be re-created.
I talked with my grove brother tonight, and it did reveal a few things that I was sure was what was going on. It does give me reason to look up again and smile at the sun. I spent today, mostly, away from everyone, turning my phone off and only answering what was necessary. I think I am going to continue the trend through the weekend, to give myself the necessary space to recover. I’m also going to start writing one of my love letters. I believe it is time for that one, as my heart is in the right place to do so.
There are some days, that the gun control nuts just make you want to shoot them. I really don’t grasp how they think adding something else (mental health evals), to the long list of requirements for firearms purchases, is going to keep guns out of the hands of criminals, who tend to not legally purchase firearms for a reason. I really don’t get that logic, at all. *shakes head*
Otherwise, life is getting better. The roommate situation is in a better spot, I’m a little more comfortable here and I think it will get better. I acknowledge that I need to take time away from everyone right now, because I’m wanting nothing more than to lash out at everyone, for small things – because the bigger ones are easy to deal with when the fire ants aren’t stinging you constantly. I need space to just be anti-social.
The bruises on my arm are starting to go away, but the movement is hard in the morning, I think I slept on it wrong last night.
For the most part, my weekend was pretty good. Still don’t know where I’m trying to go with all of this, but I feel like I can’t be who I am anymore. I feel like I’m being told I have to hide, from multiple people, and I think that’s what upsets me the most. I can’t really talk about half the things that need to be talked about, because those who need to hear it either don’t want to hear it, or want to continue to live in their delusion of reality and me speaking will shatter that. It’s stupid, I know. On one side, I continue because talking might inhibit the growth of someone close to me. On the other side, I don’t talk, because the more I explain, the more clouded the issue seems to become. I have a couple of level-heads to assist in maintaining what little sanity I have left. But all-in-all, it still makes me want to tell everyone to fuck off and to deal with whatever it is they need to deal with. Taking their issues into account when interacting with them is really getting annoying, especially as it just facilitates their fantasy of reality even further. It would be nice if this was just a small minor thing, like a bug phobia, but unfortunately, it’s not.
I’m sorry my journal posts have been anti-thetical to the holiday spirit for some of you. But apparently, it is not in the cards this year for me to have a joyous season. At the moment, I have removed myself from the house of sorrows, maybe I’ll go visit tomorrow, since I have some stuff I need to do. I did manage to have a very relaxing evening, as much as I wanted to be at the Solstice Potluck, it was what I needed. I will see as many as show up at B&Gs New Year’s, since I will be there no matter what. Anyway, I’m off to visit more friends, the rest of you have a great weekend.
I’m sitting in my office, going over all the things that have been bugging me over the last two months. Trying to figure out how to stop the cycle, contemplating it and running it all by the ear of Frog Leg to the tune of “You’re over-reacting”. Sobering. There’s always a point to everything, even if we can’t see it from where we stand, but it’s there to result in an, “Aha!” moment, when our brain is ready to wrap around all the details and see the intricacies. I may not be there, but I do know that I am getting there. I will be whole again, even though it will not be in my current construct. My injury is a sign, yet again, that is resulting in me going to pick up another mat to start my regular meditations. My yoga mag came with a section on morning rituals, which will be exercised every morning, starting tomorrow. Come Monday, my MARTA card will be filled with enough trips to get me to and from work for the next week. Come January, I will have a month’s worth, so I can stop using my car so much. Next year, will be a better focus, as I will be seeking out alternatives with my job situation, either to replace or supplement. I have been stagnant in the last couple of months by a bottleneck on my river. The last remnants are slowly filtering away and the flow is starting to be steady. I will recover, and I will be at peace again. Somehow, I will be happy again, and I will fall in love with the world with more passion than I did the last time.
The gods do like to amuse themselves with humans….
Didn’t she get the fact that we don’t like her when we voted her OUT of office? She was a joke enough for GA, but apparently she didn’t realize the punchline wasn’t funny. *handforeheadnufsaid*
And no, my dislike for her has nothing to do with her hair. More to do with her politics and the fact she makes female lawmakers look bad.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
I meditated on the perfect holiday gift for you. What might inspire you to be in closest alignment with the cosmic currents in 2008? I decided that if I could, I’d buy you a costume shop. That way you could try on a thousand different masks and disguises. And that would put you in the proper frame of mind for the assignment I hope you will carry out all year long, which is to play with your identity and experiment with new self-images and maybe even treat your life as an epic theatrical extravaganza.
Hrm. While I’m not a big fan of masks and costumes, I am a big fan of exploring who I am, and this could be something that would be fun. 🙂 I see many layers to peel back and explore, and I think I’m slowly dissolving all the issues that are preventing me from doing that, currently.
Just so you all are aware, I am now ranked 2nd in the world for the IBJJF organization. My sacrifice was my elbow. I dislocated when it shouldn’t have. So, when I get home, I will heal and start weight training, since the ligaments are too loose, and the structural muscles will need to be strengthened. On top of that, I need to gain weight. I gave up 7 lbs to my opponent and was declared malnourished by the doc who checked me out (of course, I’ve eaten like shit for the past 2 days). My goal is to get back up to 125, so I can just drop a couple of lbs to my weight class, instead of looking anorexic on a daily basis.
Scorpio for this week:
For reasons too silly to go into here (involving romance, of course), I once spent six months making thrice-weekly three-and-a-half-hour roundtrips from Chapel Hill, NC to Columbia, SC. The back roads I drove on were sparsely traveled and my ancient pick-up truck didn’t have a radio, so I passed the time by reading. I became quite skilled at continually darting my eyes back and forth between the road and the open book resting on my steering wheel. In this way I got through James Joyce’s Ulysses, Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina, and Thomas Mann’s Magic Mountain. I don’t advise you to try something so dangerous, Scorpio, but I do believe it’s a perfect astrological moment for you to master the art of slipping back and forth between two starkly different realities.
Yeah, I need to get back to doing this. My realities have really sucked, of late. Most of them include pain and depression, but I have a slight break from it all. It’s currently on the other side of the country, and over here, it’s nothing but all about me, right now. Least, till tomorrow. I fight at 10am. I have one fight, and it’s a girl I know I can beat if I’m smart about it. The nerves have finally passed, so I’m doing much better.
Also, I have my Whiskey, from the Isle of Skye, it makes my tongue tingle. And it makes me think that the gods are on my side, I just have to take advantage of it and do what I need to do. The signs have been there, that it is finally my time, now to just rise up to it and face it, without fear.