This is a letter I have been trying to write for about a month now. At first, the thoughts flooded my pen and became jumbled, in trying to write down all that is indescribable. Then, they became blocked with things that were dark and hidden. But now, I sit back and imagine being in your arms again, feeling everything just melt away from me as I inhale your scent and begin to disappear into your existence. Closing my eyes and just feeling completely at peace in total love for you. I have no fear there, of you, of how I feel, or even of what may yet come. I just exist in that small moment of time, as if it were eternity, not screaming with pure joy, but singing in the soft tones of a lullaby.
In the past, you have brought me confusion. Not because you were someone I could not have, but because you brought me to a place in myself I have never been before. My only means of describing the sense of overwhelming joy and peace, was that this must be Nirvana. That place within myself, where the world just made absolute sense and I was connected to and in love with all of it. Of all the things I have studied to reach this point, the simplest means was the acceptance and openness I felt from you.
For a while, after realizing what was happening, I stood at the edge of the calm eye of the storm around me. Tempted by the chaos in the winds, but taunting them myself, by standing there and just letting them whip around me. I know, that those winds cannot overpower me. My love for you and all that is beautiful within you is a strength of its own and has allowed me to find my own strength again. At one point, I was consumed by everything, the way the ocean can consume everything that ventures into it. But instead of running from it, I found the joy in letting the waves wash over me and play with me as they pleased. In turn, playing with them myself, and finding a new companion that was separate and a part of me, all at once. Just as I feel you are separate, yet a part of me and always with me.
Because of that, I want to love you. I want to love you even more, not just as a part of everything around me, but as who you are at the core of your being, as the person who stands before me. I want to love your smile, the feel of your fingers tracing against my skin, the warmth of your body holding me as I fall asleep and just the presence of being next to you. I want to love the sparkle within the clouds of your eyes, which drives you through each day. I want to love your soul, and everything that it contains, but I don’t want you to fear that love and I don’t want you to fear me because of it. There are no rules in how I feel, especially what I all I feel for you and what all I want to share with you. There is no obligation or requirement that comes with it. I just want you to enjoy being loved, and enjoy the world that I see, because of you, and to share it all with me.