Month: March 2003

At the end of all great stories, there is “The End”. Not just an end with a “the” in front of it, but an end with a capital “The”. That is how I am feeling right now. Confused, lost, estranged, alone, longing. Sitting by the phone, waiting for it to ring, again, with a voice I miss already. Tears that won’t stop, while trying to put perspective and not focus on myself, feeling selfish for what I want and what I desire, knowing that it has to be placed away, left in my memories, a touch, a glance, a word……longing. A face, fuzzy through the rain, an outline struggling to fade but chained to a wall with steel that won’t give way. Running away, locked away, inside, where pain does not exist and cannot exist. Silence, apathy, death. I want to fade. Be a chalk drawing that fades away when the clouds burst, washing away everything that I am and was. Slate, black, everything and nothing. Wash me away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away…..

It feels good to talk and I am doing much better today. I avoided flooding my car and life has, somewhat, returned to normal. I thank those who allow me to be open with who, and what, I am and don’t place judgement on the results, instead they hug me and tell me how wonderful I am.

Standing in the middle of a room.
Walls enclosing, caging me.
Rage within seeking release
No opening in sight.

My arms beating against this.
Feeling that which restrains me.
More and more I feel the wave.
Tsunami, knocking through me

Staring before me, nothing.
Thrashing wildly, fighting demons.

Ok, all i can say is this….
there is nothing sweeter than getting into the CNN parking decks for free, sitting in line for 30 min to notice (once at the window) that you know the person working the window that’s moving faster, for that person to hold up his line and motion you over because you’ve “been in line for a long-ass time”, and smack down 20 ticket vouchers and ask, “what can this get me?”, then be asked, “how would rink-side do? behind the visiting goal?”.

So, how does this imp’s night end up? Sitting rink-side behind NJ’s goalie, watching ATL score in front of you, and the captains fight before the 3rd. Oh yeah, there were assholes sitting next to my friend Nancy and I, when two little h.s. chicks showed up we made them move because they couldn’t prove they had tickets for the front row (they were sitting in our seats and we were sitting in the girls’ seats). Now, how good is that?!?

And in the end, my b.f., as dan would say, “rocks like slayer”

The End

Can you open me up?
Show me what’s inside?
Fill me with life
Life that I have drained?

It felt so sweet
The kiss of the blade
Like the rush of drugs
Slowly flowing down my wrist

Exiting my body
Sending my soul free.
Releasing me from hell
Release from my prison

music is fun. now if i can just sing, not only in key, but figure out how to put it with instruments. the things they don’t teach you while being a classical musician 😛

Things are calming down, a bit. Just sitting in the cafe and enjoying a nice day, without actually having to work. The cats are getting more attached to me being home, so they should enjoy the evening with me. Not much really going through my head, for once, so there’s not much to discuss. I’ve been fairly successful in avoiding all reference to international issues and various idiotic actions we’re taking in reference to said issues. My one complaint at the moment, if you’re going to bite, breathe through your nose, not your mouth!

How appropo:

Scorpio:
You’ve been very resourceful in your efforts to push love to a new frontier, Scorpio. You’ve been an artist in the way you’ve reinvented passion and you’ve been a pioneer as you’ve dared to explore collaborations that require you to leave your comfort zone. Congratulations! Now I want to give you a tip that’ll help ensure you don’t undo all your good work. During the next three weeks, meditate often on these words, originally penned by poet Percy Bysshe Shelley: “Love withers under constraint: its very essence is liberty: it is compatible neither with obedience, jealousy, nor fear: it is there most pure, perfect, and unlimited, where its votaries live in confidence, equality, and unreserve.”
FreeWill