Day: March 31, 2003

At the end of all great stories, there is “The End”. Not just an end with a “the” in front of it, but an end with a capital “The”. That is how I am feeling right now. Confused, lost, estranged, alone, longing. Sitting by the phone, waiting for it to ring, again, with a voice I miss already. Tears that won’t stop, while trying to put perspective and not focus on myself, feeling selfish for what I want and what I desire, knowing that it has to be placed away, left in my memories, a touch, a glance, a word……longing. A face, fuzzy through the rain, an outline struggling to fade but chained to a wall with steel that won’t give way. Running away, locked away, inside, where pain does not exist and cannot exist. Silence, apathy, death. I want to fade. Be a chalk drawing that fades away when the clouds burst, washing away everything that I am and was. Slate, black, everything and nothing. Wash me away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away…..

It feels good to talk and I am doing much better today. I avoided flooding my car and life has, somewhat, returned to normal. I thank those who allow me to be open with who, and what, I am and don’t place judgement on the results, instead they hug me and tell me how wonderful I am.