I had a release today on the way to work. I felt it coming a mile away, finally. I still have some more and had mini-ones this afternoon. That said…
I really hate you right now. I really, really do. You spent the whole time we were together trying to “teach” me to hold things in. You strangled me in a worse way than physically putting your hands around my throat. I couldn’t write anything here because I was too worried about what you would think, what you would assume and having to explain myself. You tried to make me into some weak woman, who had to depend on you – because you NEEDED to be needed. Then, the one time I really needed you. The one chance you really had to protect me. You ran away. You shut me out and left me on my own to take care of myself. You lied to me. You told me a flat face lied and you knew it was a lie. I trusted you with the deepest part of me and you ran away. There is nothing that can make up for that. And I really wish there was, because now I have to deal with the fallout within myself. The trust issues I have, with myself. I question my feelings, I fight with myself just to even feel something.
I was rebuilding myself from the previous physical restrictions. You knew this, you knew my history!
Because of that. You are an asshole. You are just like those other guys. But you know what? They’re better. They’re better because they’re up front about who and what they are. They don’t hide behind a mask or a costume. I told you once that hell is paved with good intentions, and I hope you wear your wool sweaters, because I do not want, or need, anything from you. Ever again.
I hate that I had to learn this lesson, twice. But at least I’m in a better place. I’m glad you kicked me out. I have the best life I could think of now. No lies, no hands on my throat, and no one using me as a project. Just the people who love me, and love everything about me. Including my faults.