Day: August 21, 2007

Giving and healing

TarotScope for the day: You might be overwhelmed as you feel the weight of responsibility on your shoulders. Unhappily, you could have taken on more than should be expected of you. Examine what, if anything, your past failures have to do with your current willingness to help others. Don’t be overly aggressive in your desire to help. You can best heal others by first forgiving and healing yourself.

Well, in all honesty, the only thing on my shoulders is overwhelming pain and tightness. I can’t say that it’s much from my perceived “responsibilities” outside of the desire to start making the shift over to working at the gym more. My main goal is to work with the students, as my yoga practice revolves mainly around fighting. I told them that I would have no problem doing a “general” class, but I’d have to have a better idea about times and whatnot. With that said…

I’m really starting to consider that 3rd sentence. Over the last month, I have been making steps to overcome things that hindered me in the past, such as my ability to just accept being wrong, even when right; my inability to admit that I had overlooked something, because it fed into my low opinion of myself and my inability to fully accept the fact that I am good at things. I know I come off as having an overabundance of confidence, but really, it’s a shell. I’ve always believed, that if I could fool myself well enough, and start to think positively in that direction, it would manifest. The down-side, is the failure to recognize the fact that I’m human, not perfect. I make mistakes, and I make a lot of them, but I’ve always used them to learn….something. More often than not, I’m a selfish brat who wants everything for herself, due to the fact that I always felt overlooked as a child. I grew up in the shadows, for the most part, because I was made fun of for wanting to shine. Right now, I’m looking for a happy medium, where I can be comfortable in just existing, whether it be in the spotlight or in the shadows. I’m beginning to think that maybe my therapist was right, when he asked me if my helping people was for selfish reasons. The whole idea behind the “if I don’t do it, it won’t get done.” While I don’t think that is particularly the case in every situation, I think he’s quite right in many of them. I like doing the small things for people, and sometimes, I like taking care of the big things. The problem begins to exist when it becomes the accepted norm, and if I don’t do it, then either I’m berated for failure, or I fall short of the bar of expectations. I’m not sure where that train of thought will go, but I will definitely pick it up on a later day.

That said, I have a short day today, so I’m spending most of it meditating or just quietly. I have to do some last minute rituals tonight and pack, after yoga. Then tomorrow it’s back in the yoga studio for morning meditation before work. After that, off to the airport to conquer the world.