I’m sitting in my office, going over all the things that have been bugging me over the last two months. Trying to figure out how to stop the cycle, contemplating it and running it all by the ear of Frog Leg to the tune of “You’re over-reacting”. Sobering. There’s always a point to everything, even if we can’t see it from where we stand, but it’s there to result in an, “Aha!” moment, when our brain is ready to wrap around all the details and see the intricacies. I may not be there, but I do know that I am getting there. I will be whole again, even though it will not be in my current construct. My injury is a sign, yet again, that is resulting in me going to pick up another mat to start my regular meditations. My yoga mag came with a section on morning rituals, which will be exercised every morning, starting tomorrow. Come Monday, my MARTA card will be filled with enough trips to get me to and from work for the next week. Come January, I will have a month’s worth, so I can stop using my car so much. Next year, will be a better focus, as I will be seeking out alternatives with my job situation, either to replace or supplement. I have been stagnant in the last couple of months by a bottleneck on my river. The last remnants are slowly filtering away and the flow is starting to be steady. I will recover, and I will be at peace again. Somehow, I will be happy again, and I will fall in love with the world with more passion than I did the last time.
growth
Positive thoughts for the day:
In less than 6 months, I can take out a consolidation loan and pay off the Element.
Sometime, in this next year, I will start moving to San Fran (lookout MOONBATS!). My instructor will probably be out there first, but I said when he goes, I’ll start the process.
I am just dealing with residual anger, right now.
My Scotsman and I are a work in progress, and there’s actual progression.
I feel like being social right now.
I admit that I need help, and will be looking for a psychologist.
My journal has a new layout, doesn’t match the rest of the site, but it functions and I can edit it to match later.
Winning and Losing
I’m sitting here, going over and over in my head the words, “I can’t win this one, can I?” But that’s not exactly the question, given the current situation doesn’t involve the ability to win. If it does, then obviously I’ve lost already. The only problem is, I’m not the only one losing, I just seem to be the only one realizing it. One day, I will be gone, and the realization will hit, and then wonderment at when it actually happened. Well, I’m marking this day down, because today is the day I realized it. It’s been a process in coming, just didn’t expect this. I knew it, when I came home from Europe, that the process had begun. I had hoped that it was reversible, but those hopes were based on something that wasn’t meant to be. It’s sad to watch, because I’m the only one observing, just a passer-by, don’t mind me. Just seeing memories float through my consciousness.
Then again, we’re all just moments in time, that happen to intersect in the grander web that’s woven.
So about those pesky little things called emotions…..
Well, still trying to sort them all out. It seems I’ve stumbled into another hallway, with another door, and another burned out light. I’ve lit the candle and am starting to explore. See, months ago, I found I had this great friend, with whom, I share a lot in common. I fell for him in a way I totally did not expect, and is totally inconsistent with anything I’ve ever felt. The nice thing, is that he screwed my head back on straight, after the whole Brasilian fiasco, and from what he’s said, I provided the same for him.
Now, those close to me have had the opportunity to read all the gushing I have had to say about him, because he really is a wonderful person. But after discussions, and me pulling me crap, I feel a bit different. I want to say I’m bordering on absolute bliss, peace or whichever Sanskrit word is used to describe that point along the path of Kundalini, where the world just opens up. And, while there is absolute and pure love, there’s also pure acceptance of the days, and not even a glimpse to the future. This is odd for me, because this isn’t like the normal crush-love one would normally feel in these situations. It’s almost awe-inspiring to me, even to the point I really can’t put words to the swirling of emotions going on inside of me. I’ve been saying it borders on apathy, mainly because I really don’t care if anything further comes of our friendship. I am satisfied with what we have going for us, at the moment, and have no desire to push it where it doesn’t want to go.
However, I will say, that it has led me down some interesting stairwells within myself, and I am thoroughly enjoying the fact that I happened upon an individual that could point me in those directions, even if that wasn’t the expectation. It’s been something that’s I’ve needed, for quite some time, and I’m glad the universe saw fit to put things together, and that I’m paying well enough attention to realize it. If only I could discover the source of the lump in my throat. Not sure exactly what’s trying to come out, but I’m sure I’m on the right path to discovering it, and it’s another amazing ride. Hopefully, I will have enough of a mind to document the process here.
Scorpio for this week:
Of all the signs in the zodiac, you routinely enjoy the most interesting problems. No one else can compete with your talent for dreaming up original sins, either. I expect that in the coming weeks, you’ll once again assert your mastery in these two areas, leaving the rest of us muttering in amazed awe as we behold the beautiful, stinking, useful, hellacious, intriguing messes you stir up. Congratulations in advance for the resourcefulness and courage I know you will summon from the abyss of your subconscious mind.
Well, crap. I’m quite familiar with the trouble I can stir up, and at this point, I’m trying to avoid doing that. The problems I create for myself end up more of a headache, than the beauty that can be created by those problems can overshadow. I sent this to my ET, who sees it as a positive thing, mainly in that PPUSA starts on the 3rd, which is a month before my hatch day, as two of my favourite boys are going to be there. The fun part, is that I love to torment one, and he loves the attention (he mutters a lot about it too, I think it’s more that he loves the attention but at the same time it’s quite a burn to the point he calls me a tease). Though, that probably has something to do with all the original sins too, as we’re very good at one-upping the other. I had sat and thought about the damage we could do, and for a while, I was devoted to making sure that didn’t happen because it would be a crash and burn of epic proportions. But in sitting there, I also decided that the journey would be damned fun, too. So, needless to say, I dreamed up some fun stuff for that weekend, which also maintains my weak-willed attempts at maintaining my celibacy. He’ll hate it, as he doesn’t know what the end is, much less when he’ll see the light from the tunnel. *eg*
As for the other, well, the plans are for fun and quality friendship time, least, as much as can be provided during the fest, given my work schedule for this year. I’m very much looking forward to seeing him again.
Oh yeah, and my Bitch has been more communicative of late. He called last night, and in talking about some of his needs, I suggested a change of scenery for a year. To which, after a few minutes he said, “I see, you just want me to move to Georgia. I get it, you’re being sneaky like that!” Which, while not wholly true, was damned funny. I do miss him though, and didn’t get the chance to see him while I was in LA. The plan is for him to compete NOGI worlds, so we joke about cleaning up in our divisions. Least I’ll get to see him again, and finally introduce my ET to him. Ohhhhhhhh the fun we shall have!
And just an off-note: I’ve got fall cleaning fever again. Gotta love the Morrigan, nothing like living to the beat of a completely different pipe.
I remember, as a child, being out on our hill in the middle of winter. Being able to look up and seeing nothing but this vast darkness, speckled by wavering lights. Sometimes, my brother and I would have to throw a stone, to knock out the one light that blocked our view. But thankfully, our aim was more abundant and accurate than my father’s desire to replace the light. The scent was amazing, just this crispness in the air, yet somehow warm, as we laid out on our sleds, panting from running around or holding on for dear life, as the snowmobile pulled and threw us around. There was something that just made things more alive back then, even in the dead of a Central Illinois winter. A sense that you would never see in the middle of summer, even among the honeysuckle and dandelions. Something that even my brother’s sunflower crops couldn’t provide us with, no matter how sun vibrant they were, or the smell of sweet corn from my section of the flower beds. An innocence, that we spend lifetimes trying to grow past, only to seek to regain it as adults.
Giving and healing
TarotScope for the day: You might be overwhelmed as you feel the weight of responsibility on your shoulders. Unhappily, you could have taken on more than should be expected of you. Examine what, if anything, your past failures have to do with your current willingness to help others. Don’t be overly aggressive in your desire to help. You can best heal others by first forgiving and healing yourself.
Well, in all honesty, the only thing on my shoulders is overwhelming pain and tightness. I can’t say that it’s much from my perceived “responsibilities” outside of the desire to start making the shift over to working at the gym more. My main goal is to work with the students, as my yoga practice revolves mainly around fighting. I told them that I would have no problem doing a “general” class, but I’d have to have a better idea about times and whatnot. With that said…
I’m really starting to consider that 3rd sentence. Over the last month, I have been making steps to overcome things that hindered me in the past, such as my ability to just accept being wrong, even when right; my inability to admit that I had overlooked something, because it fed into my low opinion of myself and my inability to fully accept the fact that I am good at things. I know I come off as having an overabundance of confidence, but really, it’s a shell. I’ve always believed, that if I could fool myself well enough, and start to think positively in that direction, it would manifest. The down-side, is the failure to recognize the fact that I’m human, not perfect. I make mistakes, and I make a lot of them, but I’ve always used them to learn….something. More often than not, I’m a selfish brat who wants everything for herself, due to the fact that I always felt overlooked as a child. I grew up in the shadows, for the most part, because I was made fun of for wanting to shine. Right now, I’m looking for a happy medium, where I can be comfortable in just existing, whether it be in the spotlight or in the shadows. I’m beginning to think that maybe my therapist was right, when he asked me if my helping people was for selfish reasons. The whole idea behind the “if I don’t do it, it won’t get done.” While I don’t think that is particularly the case in every situation, I think he’s quite right in many of them. I like doing the small things for people, and sometimes, I like taking care of the big things. The problem begins to exist when it becomes the accepted norm, and if I don’t do it, then either I’m berated for failure, or I fall short of the bar of expectations. I’m not sure where that train of thought will go, but I will definitely pick it up on a later day.
That said, I have a short day today, so I’m spending most of it meditating or just quietly. I have to do some last minute rituals tonight and pack, after yoga. Then tomorrow it’s back in the yoga studio for morning meditation before work. After that, off to the airport to conquer the world.
My latest experiment. Starting next month, when I’ll hopefully have my bike put together, I’m going to see if I can go for an entire month with limited use of my car. This isn’t exactly an experiment in being “green”, so much as it’s the fact that I put a ton of miles on my car getting to and from my training center. So, I figure Fri-Sun I won’t really need my car, and Tues-Thurs I can possibly use my car very little, by dropping it off at a Marta Station and hopping a bus or the train into Buckhead, since it’s more than likely that I’ll be driving back out to Holly Springs after work to train. Plus, once it starts cooling down again, I’ll be able to bike more. The only thing I’m going to have to work out, is my sheets. I figure a small basket on my bike will allow a few sheets here and there, and the days I take the bus I can take my full basket home with me. My goal in all of this, is to save milage and stress, plus, it’s a good workout that I need outside of training.
I’m seriously feeling really good about the changes that I’m making, and tomorrow, I go check at my Yoga center to see how much teacher training will be. I was given an offer to teach, what I call, Warrior Yoga at my Academy. While I’m definitely qualified for it, I want the certificate that says I am. And I’ll need to start putting together a curriculum for it when I get home. I’ll probably talk about it here, a good bit, or maybe on my religion blog, since it’s an aspect of that realm. Oh hell, I’ll just cross-post.
With all that said….anyone know of a good nutritionist? I need to have my diet analyzed.
So I’m working on creating new habits, and as I was working today, I considered the possiblity of developing some of these habits into my religious path. I was watching The Human Weapon and thinking about all my friends who have the opportunity to train or teach all day, every day. That’s their job, to be and create warriors. Now, while my calling in life is not just to defend life in the martial sense (even though I have opted to not pursue a military path), it’s also to defend life in the realm of healing. So I’m going to have to figure a means to merge these two, seemingly conflicting paths. Which is another thing that confounds me. I find nothing conflicting about them, and those who are on similar paths understand what I’m talking about.
In order to heal, you have to learn how to harm, and vice versa. In learning massage, you learn the triangles you have to stay away from, as too much time spent on them or too much pressure will cause serious damage due to artery/vein/nerve trunks that you will hit. When it comes to aggression, or even defensive aggression, these are points you want to hit, in order to subdue your opponent. While the ancient warrior societies may not have been aware of the actuality of these centers, they knew they existed (through observance) and sought to use them to their advantage. The objective being, a quick and decisive end to the battle, whether hand-to-hand individual combat, or group strategic warfare.
In order to facilitate the objectives, the individuals must maintain their state of readiness, through both mental and physical exercises. Both being made readily apparent to me during my extended vacation, as I had no real means of physical training for the bulk of my visits. However, I did have the opportunity to rest my mind and clear it, as well as focus on training it for calm and clear thought. While I have, in the past, prided myself on my ability to be the calm mind in the storm, I know that having to do that takes much out of me. Mainly, in the fact that I get so focused that the slightest detraction from that focus knocks me completely out of balance. I’ve found going in with a clear mind allows me to avoid focusing on the detractions and more at the task at hand.
As a result, I’m slowly putting together my daily regimen that will hopefully blossom into a functional spiritual path within the religious direction I have chosen. At this point, I’ve modified my diet back to my training diet, with a few modifications to take my hypoglycemia into account. I’ve started using the time in the morning, when I’m normally watching the news to do basic agility and conditioning/strength exercises. I’m also going back to yoga again. One of the things I found after my meltdown at NAGA, was that my kundalini work not only calmed me down and helped me maintain my focus, but it created a new awareness for what my opponent was doing and allowed me to better predict their movement and create a strategy to counter it during a match. In speaking with my Yogini about it, even she smiled and said that I was getting the idea and my ability to tap into a greater consciousness, even if it was to use it to my own advantage in this situation.
Which brings me to another point, Yoga is often seen as an exercise for the passive, non-violent among us. There have been a couple of times, where I wanted to write in to Yoga Journal and knock them for posting a picture of military personnel in pose, preparing for a mission (one picture being Navy pilots holding warrior pose 1 next to their birds) with the commentary, “I don’t like the idea of war, or what we’re doing, but I take solace in the pilots taking a moment to be at peace with their decision to not act with ahimsa.” I’m sorry, but ahimsa does not mean let your body be a welcome mat for those who wish to walk all over you. There are points when you need to stand your ground, even as an individual, and that is referenced several times in the Bagavadgita. Not to mention, a pose translated into “Warrior pose” tends to imply that which the words connotate. It’s a pose of strength, used by swordsmen (particular in rapier parlay), riflemen, ground fighters (you’ll see it during the shoot for a takedown). It’s a pose of aggression, not defense.
It’s about balance, and that is one thing that my martial art has taught me, however much my Danish Professor pointed out my need for patience when attacking. There is a strategic point what will end a match quickly, but sometimes it happens later in the match and it’s my job to use my opponent to realize that point. It’s a dance, each move has a counter and a defense, at somepoint my opponent will give me the open door and it’s my job to walk through it.
Scorpio for this week:
The modern English word “weird” is derived from the Old English term wyrd, meaning “destiny.” By the late Middle Ages, wyrd had evolved into a concept similar to the Eastern notion of karma. It implied that the momentum of past events plays a strong role in shaping the future, but that human willpower can nevertheless also have a hand in creating upcoming events. In some uses, wyrd could even mean “the power to control destiny,” as exemplified by the three Weird Sisters of Shakespeare’s MacBeth. I bring this up, Scorpio, because your Wyrd Factor is pretty high these days. While the consequences of your past are certainly impinging on your present to some degree, you’ve rarely had a greater ability to override them through the force of your intentions.
Is it bad that I didn’t make it past the first sentence before I was searching for my Concise Anglo-Saxon Dictionary?
As for the rest of it, well, my past is dealt with, and that which hasn’t is being dealt with. I’m finding it interesting as to how much has been shedding over the last couple of weeks, down to the fact that my hope for the male gender was revived by a 22-year-old. I’ve also failed to allow a dominant personality to control me, and I wasn’t cowed by him at all in facing him. It was the first time I stood up to him, on my own ground and with my own rules. It was extremely liberating. And he still talked to me the next day. I’m proud of him, and me.
Freakchylde's 