Month: September 2003

Scorpio for this week:

“Beginnings and endings will be overlapping in the near future, Scorpio. They will demand that you grow rapidly. It won’t always be easy to tell them apart, either; you’ll have to become wiser faster in order to understand the clues. Here are two meditations to guide you: 1. Which of the long-running dramas of your life have run their course? 2. What struggling dreams are aching to resurrect themselves and bloom again as if for the first time? Once you figure out the answers to those questions, act dynamically to nurture what’s being born and expedite the dissolution of what’s dying. ”

FreeWill Astrology

Interpretation: long-running drama – my inability to commit to anything, my need to drum up drama within my own personal relationships and my need to drum up angst and misery within my self.

dreams – my music, being able to give voice to the songs within and sing them openly and loud. love, happiness, joy.

now to make them happen.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve jumped off the deep end without bothering to see what I’m jumping into. It makes me question whether or not I’m really ready or mature enough to hold down a relationship that has any measure of difficulty or responsibility. I feel like a stranger in my own home, that’s not really my own home. It belongs to someone else, organized by someone else, and somehow I have to manage to upkeep the organization when I don’t even know where some of the most basic stuff exists. When I first arrived here, I felt like I was the only person doing any level of cleaning and scrubbing. Now I’m tired of it and I don’t want to do it anymore. That places the burden elsewhere, on top of everything else that has been assumed. At this point, I’m relegated to the only thing I can possibly do at the moment, cry. Every word spoken carries another tear with it. I’m left waiting because I have no clue what I can throw away and what I can’t. Work schedules leave me with no time to work on joint projects, because it’s the only time we get to spend together. The things I want to do, get left to the backburner because my concept of priorities is lined differently than the priorities of others. I want to disappear, I want to not wake up, or at least wake up in a perfect world where all I’m left to do is maintenance. I can’t build any more, there’s no will left in me to do that. It leads to failure, where I’m probably destined to be anyway. So why not just live up to what I’m given. Working against it just makes it more of a problem and doesn’t give me any form of rest. I’m tired, I want to rest.

Camping part I Thursday:

Not much happened, got to put up a tent, get the campsite all set-up and come up with dreams of what I want it to look like. My Scotsman had to go to work that evening (fucking CNN), but I’m very greatful he came up with me to help set-up the site and get everything secured. That night was ritual. OMFGs! I was nervous about having so many different people, and so many different people with different ideas about what a Druid ritual would involve, and not enough of them showed up to the pre-ritual discussion. As I said the other day, most of them weren’t expecting whiskey as the fires of life, which was funny. In the pre-pre-ritual discussion, we had considered recognizing the Morrigan because it is coming her time. Well, we didn’t recognize her personally, but she did show up! And I felt her! Oh gods it absolutely kicked ass!!!!! The winds picked up, and the fire just took off, I spent 5 minutes staring into the fire. I saw the energy, crackling to be released, and bits/pieces of the woods flying off into the winds. I saw myself, locked in a piece of wood, waiting for the fire to hit the bark, releasing me to the winds to fly everywhere! That is what I need, to release myself, explore, fly away into the winds and see where they take me. I will be able to grow from that small ash that deposits in the dirt, and nourishes the seeds beneath during the cold winter. I love this!!!!!!!!!!

Camping part I Thursday:

Not much happened, got to put up a tent, get the campsite all set-up and come up with dreams of what I want it to look like. My Scotsman had to go to work that evening (fucking CNN), but I’m very greatful he came up with me to help set-up the site and get everything secured. That night was ritual. OMFGs! I was nervous about having so many different people, and so many different people with different ideas about what a Druid ritual would involve, and not enough of them showed up to the pre-ritual discussion. As I said the other day, most of them weren’t expecting whiskey as the fires of life, which was funny. In the pre-pre-ritual discussion, we had considered recognizing the Morrigan because it is coming her time. Well, we didn’t recognize her personally, but she did show up! And I felt her! Oh gods it absolutely kicked ass!!!!! The winds picked up, and the fire just took off, I spent 5 minutes staring into the fire. I saw the energy, crackling to be released, and bits/pieces of the woods flying off into the winds. I saw myself, locked in a piece of wood, waiting for the fire to hit the bark, releasing me to the winds to fly everywhere! That is what I need, to release myself, explore, fly away into the winds and see where they take me. I will be able to grow from that small ash that deposits in the dirt, and nourishes the seeds beneath during the cold winter. I love this!!!!!!!!!!

I’m back. the weekend kicked ass. i’m dead tired because somehow i ended up going to sleep at 4 am every day and waking up before 9am. don’t ask. i’ll post more when i wake up. did some thinking, reading and pondering. came to several realizations, along with gaining some recognition. all i can say is: some wiccans don’t know how to have fun in ritual, but it was damned hilarious to watch their face when they realized the chalice held whiskey – after they drank it. hell, what else do they think ‘waters of life’ mean? athlete’s foot?

How’s this for dull and boring. I’ve managed to check the same 4 sites, repeatedly, in the last 3 hours. Every now and then I catch something that I didn’t previously see, but more often than not, I can’t get up the urge to change the pattern and do something else.

On another note, why am I under the impression that I’m settling on the immaterial importance of my plans because someone else perceives them as less important that I do? Or maybe I’m just falling into the “must always get somewhere ahead of time because my dad was always 30 minutes late” routine. If it weren’t for the fact that I didn’t put the tickets on hold, I would have left. Of course, this means regardless, my Scotsman has to come to the concert because he’s the one that reserved the tickets. *scoff*

Since everyone else is doing it…..and I’m barred from all tv, except the shows I’ve recorded, and all the camping stuff I have to get together…..

It’s been two years. I still have sympathy for those who lost people, but everyone else can open their eyes and get a clue. The End.

I just got back from grove discussion about this weekend’s ritual at festival. It was fairly interesting because my priestess wants to sit down and talk with me about my relationship with the gods and my understanding of them. She said I seemed to be asking them more often than not. I didn’t realize I came off as doing that in the religious realm, even though I know I do that in my personal life. Reason being, we’re gods, we don’t need to ask anything. It has resonated with me, especially lately. I feel weak, I feel needy, I feel disconnected from things. In my outside persona, I’m fairly egotistcal and can back it up, but inside, I’m that little kitten that still needs its mum to sustain its life. I haven’t matured enough to go running off to town and devour a few people on my own. I can remember a time when I could easily do that. Maybe it’s my own life’s failures that have disillusioned me, maybe it’s life’s lessons that have changed my perspective. Either way, I need to get back to who I was. It has been a road that I’ve been trying to get back on, but I find I keep detouring off it. I thought about it on my way home, and realized that was my main reason for being so attracted to the Marine. He was so sure of himself, he’d earned that pride and it ran through his veins, not just worn on his skin. Right now, it’s only skin deep on me, it needs to run deeper. I’ll definitely start working on that.

This is quite amusing. Several years ago I was the member of a “dark chat” in the delphi forums. At first, this chat was pretty cool because I ended up finding several people I connected with. I was fairly sure of my grasp on their definition of ‘dark’ and in explaining what it meant to someone, I came up with an essay that they chose to use as their introduction. Shortly after, a few of the ‘family’ displayed some less than appreciative manners in another forum I was a member of, and resulted in my leaving. There was a huge quarrel over things, and nasty things were said, and my intro came down out of niceties in separation. Well, guess what? It’s a note to newbies on a fucking satanic message board!!! Good gods! *gigglefit*