As my business starts to take off more, I’ve found I actually need to create a public profile for FB. I’ve always much preferred to be as anonymous as possible, and to keep everything out of the light. Well, seems it’s that time and I’m having the most difficult time of it. I’ve never been one to stand up and go “look at me!” and here I am pretty much requesting it.
The most difficult thing is trying to define how the profile should be classified. Public figure, entrepreneur (I hate that word), fictional character, teacher, coach, motivational speaker….Seriously, too limiting and too much BS. I’m just human, and I do things that seem to help people out. Can’t say I’m anything overly special. Yet here I am, watching my center expand in its offering and watching my role in my community grow. It’s weird. Good in an uncomfortable way because it means I’m headed in the right direction. But I really don’t like the idea of going that far out of my comfort zone for all of this.
There’s also the factor of announcing things that I view as “just being”. In a society that values labels over everything I don’t like the idea of having to list all my labels. They’re just a factor of my life and my work. While I respect the duality/multi-facetness of pretty much everything, I also view that duality/multi-facet as being just an aspect of the whole. You can sit and separate everything out into its parts, till it ceases to be anything but a bunch of parts laying around. No one wants to look at the whole picture anymore. They want to deconstruct and judge, diminish, extoll, whatever, based on a single part. I don’t like the idea of being out there and being just parts. And I’ve been so out of the idea of writing and being a wordsmith these last 15 years, that I don’t know how to fully convey the entirety without sacrificing it for the parts. It’s one of the reason I had my descent into hermitdom in the first place. It’s quiet and on no one’s terms. It just is.
Spent the day not working on the condo. But that’s ok, we’ll go by tomorrow and I’ll spend some time on Monday, too. We’ve needed to stay at the house and start to unpack. Things need to find their places.
I’m finding amusement in the things that I’m determining are important to buy. Yes, it’s things, but things like plants, bird feeders, chairs for outdoors. I’m not focused so much on the inside as I think there are only a few things we honestly need there, but we need more outdoor stuff. I’m seeing where I can set-up my retaining walls, where the grove circle might go (got it narrowed down to 3 places), which things need to be removed.
Slowly, finding more direction. Still wandering a bit with the work stuffs, but it will get settled. I’m being pulled in a different direction, so right now the goal is to set the office up so that the massage will be my part-time job and the gym will be my main job. Taking a bigger role there, as we’re picking out next year’s team and setting up a 5-6 year old team. Going to spend next week reconfiguring the website for the office to get rid of 2 of our memberships. I have to go in another direction. I also need to bring in folks that can potentially take over the lease. Waffling on whether or not I want it set up in a manner for me to have 2 offices, but as with meditation, that thought just floats in and floats away. No attachment to it, yet. The signs haven’t been there, they’ve been elsewhere.
Speaking of signs…I’m getting better at being more aware of them. Not always sure as to which direction they are intending to point me, but I figure at this point I can treat it like breadcrumbs. Find the ones that strike me in the right manner and keep walking till I find another one and continue on that path. And that’s leading me further and further away from Atlanta. It really is something to think about, I just need to figure out how I’m going to pursue that avenue. I feel I’ve been niched into one place with my work, and I’ve strayed away from the type of work that I got into the field to do in the first place. I’m too separated from my spirituality with it.
Honestly, I don’t really have a whole lot to talk about. I did, but I forgot it all. The main contemplation has been trying to focus in trusting the universe to take care of me, the way it normally does. It’s hard, but I’m taking it one step at a time. Trying to not freak out at every little thing and taking a deep breath. Focus on the small things. The things I can control.
The positive, work is increasing. My fingers are crossed that this will continue and when I do get slammed I am reminding myself that it’s a good thing. Change is happening and in order for the good stuff to come in old things need to be cleared out. My thinking has to change and shift with everything that is happening.
I also need to get out of this rut. Sleeping too much, staying in bed too much. Not sure if it’s winter, or just residuals.
You're feeling an intense sense of healing emanating from somewhere deep — so deep that you may not even realize where it's coming from. Try not to worry about it too much, as it's strictly positive.
I ended up with a day off, so far. So with all stress I've been under with the paranoid watching of my car out the window, and randomly hitting the lock/unlock buttons on my remote – just in case someone's under it – I managed to sleep in. I think the CatBox is pretty safe during the day, since there are no cars around to hide someone slinking around it. But all this stuff does lead me to question – what exactly is the cause of all of this? Is this a purge going on so I can move forward? Is this a sign that I'm moving in the wrong direction on something? And if so, what something is going in the wrong direction? Everything that has happened in the last 3 months has been personal and hitting at my home and my heart – but most of the physical damage has been to my bank account. And that last part, is where the stress comes from. The pattern seems to be that we get within range of paying off all credit cards, then something major hits and jacks us back up to where we don't want to be. I'm not sure if it's a taunt to clear out the savings account, or if it's just a reminder of where things just naturally are for now. Given all the crap that happened in November, I was hopeful that this was going to be a recovery year. Where growth would happen and I'd be able to start doing all the nice things for my friends that I used to do, and be able to go visit them for weekend get-aways.
But instead, I'm left waiting on my percentage of insurance reimbursement, and then having to divvy that up so I can pay out the next thing that I will have to wait for reimbursement on. I've been telling myself to trust in the universe, it hasn't let me down yet. But it's playing a semi-nasty game of monkey in the middle with me right now. I want to trust, but I also want to go back to sleep and not wake up till all of this is over.
My positives: My intermediate class is almost full on Wednesdays. I'm finding my way with them, even the difficult one. I'm starting to get interest in private yoga classes. I have an Alpine snuggling with me and coffee. A dreary day, but it's absolutely amazing to look out the window at it.