Resume turned in, now the waiting period. Apparently, I picked a good time to turn one in because several of the instructors are cutting back their hours. *fingers crossed*

In other realms, a guy in one of the communities here posted a statement about relationships, stating that being monogamous or polyamorous is a preference, no one IS one or the other. Now, my take on things is that we are. I can speak for me in stating that I am the sum of all my parts, regardless of their quantity. And one of my parts is that I am not monogamous, not that I prefer having relationships with multiple partners, but that I don’t function in single partner relationships for extended periods of time (I tried it, didn’t work). I can handle the first year pretty well, and stay with one person. In fact, I prefer that to give time to solidify the relationship itself. However, if I end up meeting someone after that, and I fall for them, well then I fall for them. I tend to stay away from situations where I might meet someone I’m interested in during the first year. Ok, I have no clue where I’m going with this. I guess, maybe, I’m trying to figure out what makes me tick. All I know, for certain, is that I don’t function well in strictly mono relationships. I respect them, and have no issue with people that can be in them, but it’s just not something I can pull off. I’ve found, that if I become attracted to someone to the point I wish to pursue it, and feelings are mutual, I have issues in maintaining the status quo. The last major monogamous relationship I was in (2+ years), was a big eye-opener for me. I met two guys I was attracted to during that time, one of them ended up running by the wayside because he couldn’t handle it, and the other one I ended up in a side-relationship with (no regrets). Now, maybe it was just the level of possessiveness that my partner at the time had (long-distance relationship=chastity belt for me), in that if I was out with friends, they’d better be female. When he came to visit, I introduced the first guy to him, and that night was a long discussion about how “I didn’t love him anymore” because he noticed the way my eyes lit up when I saw him (the whole new shiny thing concept) even though the two of us had decided to keep it a platonic friendship and let our relationship grow that way. So that resulted in the unsaid rule of no physical or emotional relationship with a guy for me – aka no male friends. Slowly the world encroached around me, and I ended up going elsewhere. Specifically to get out of that relationship, but more importantly, to gain my freedom. Apparently I didn’t learn very well, because I placed myself right back into that position, with a different twist. This time around it was passive emotional control. Thankfully, that didn’t last long and I started paying more attention to my needs and finding partners who were more in line with what I needed to get for myself. They have allowed me the space to grow, and the space to find myself, and the space to express myself in the manner which I need to. It has been a wonderful experience to be able to go places without restriction and feel what I feel and know that I am feeling it. It’s tough to be around, watching how my partners have reacted and being pleasantly surprised in their reactions and their ability to be non-judgemental. I honestly don’t know how they have done it, how they have been themselves around me. Though, I have realized the need to continue to express my love for my current partner, make him feel special to me, and let him know that my feelings for him are in no way diminished through my feelings for someone else. It’s difficult explaining how the different parts of me are filled in different ways. It’s difficult explaining that, because I have these feelings, that he is not, in anyway less of a lover to me. This is what I am, and how I tick, as my therapist has said – there is no one person who can completely fulfill the needs of another person. That’s why we develop friendships and relationships with other people who share the different interests we have. Love knows no boundaries, and it knows no form, it is amorphous. Trying to contain it and place restrictions on it only causes suffering.

Contrary to the impression that I can give off, occassionally, I’m a pretty shy person. Getting up in front of a room full of people, regardless how long and well I know them, is a huge step in the world of me. I usually don’t do it. In college I’d turn a bright red shade just by making the choice to ask a question. I found it easier to show up at poetry slams dressed as a made up character (aka freakchylde) so that it wasn’t actually me that was speaking and performing, but freakchylde doing everything. I took my communications 101 for the point of learning to be me in front of a group. For all my “I’m a goddess” thought and belief, I’m extremely humble to the fact that I’m not perfect, and even self-conscious, even thought I might not state it. So, last night, me as me, got up in front of 14 people, most of whom I’ve known ever since I moved down here, and recited the Tale of Lugh and the Battle of Moy Tura, from memory, and me speaking not freakchylde. In my mind, I had the perfect story made up, but it didn’t come out that way. I’m not disappointed in my performace, because the fact I was able to speak at all was a triumph for me. In my mailbox tonight, were several congratulations from members of my spiritual family, including the ones that heard the news on the winds. Now, for the most part, I usually don’t look to others to stroke me ego, or self-esteem, but those emails meant so much to me. Not only because I have to prove myself by what I do (I’m still a dedicant, novice if that’s a better understanding), but because it shows I’ve gained respect from them, and that they can see my potential and recognize it as such. Which, for me, gives me another reason to continue to where I’d like to be. More often than not, I’ve found that proving someone wrong was my main drive, but I’m no longer in a position where I can do that. I’ve had to find other methods to drive myself, and in this realm, I’ve found my reason and it’s a long-time in coming to the realization that it’s not always a matter of proving someone wrong, as much as it’s proving myself wrong. I can do these things, I just need to start believing I can, and last night I proved myself wrong.

I just came back from a 45 minute walk. It was amazing to just sit, relax, and feel the muscles in my quads start twitching, as well as my TFL/IT band. I’m contemplating whether or not I can afford a limited gym membership. My therapist, at one point, suggested that I add some weight training to my yoga/walking regimen to strengthen my hip/leg muscles. I think I’m doing ok with what I’m doing. So far, I’ve almost gotten my ankle realigned so that I can walk flat on my feet instead of to one side or the other. That’s assisting my knees to slowly turn away from each other so they’re facing forward, instead of being a bit knock-kneed. But that is done mainly through my stretching and being overly conscious of which direction my feet and knees are facing during yoga. I’m hoping that things start to work their way higher up. My neck has been a serious pain in the last few months, mainly due to my chest muscles being overly contracted. I’ve been stretching out my shoulders pretty good, and it’s starting to help. However, I really need to go in and have the scar tissue ripped open in my rotator cuff so I can have a more free movement there. At the moment, to properly stretch, I find that I’m dislocating my shoulder to get into position. Not very helpful. But, my shoulders are slowly moving back into their natural position, which is relieving some of my upper back pain. Now to just reset my pelvis to get rid of the lower back pain. 😛

I was cleaning my bathroom the other day, and came across a letter, written early in my relationship with Big Cat. I knew I still had the letter, afterall, I spent months carrying it around in my pocket. It wasn’t, so much, a letter professing love, so much as it was a letter professing the connection we had/have. The place I chose to place it after moving in with my Scotsman was what was interesting. My workroom and office have plenty of reminders to me, of what I am and what I’m looking to become. However, it’s my bathroom, where I keep most of the stuff that lies closest to my heart. Below my mirror is the Universal Druid’s Prayer as well as a poem called I am Me. I keep those there because they are primary reminders of what I need to keep at my core and I can read them every day. I can see why I chose to keep Big Cat’s letter there, because it is a reminder, that at my core, I do have a necessary connection that hasn’t been severed. Even through the distance and through our decision to save our friendship, while sacrificing our relationship.

I know for some of the people I know, this might be an ill-timed topic, with all the postings I see on my friends page. But know this, even though we can feel utterly alone, at times, we can’t say we truly are alone when it’s only the result of not seeing where our resources are really located. Strength comes from within, and support can come from without. Look, and you will find both.

*hugs* to all my friends who are passing through a time of difficulty. I am here for you, whenever you need me. Even if it’s just to bitch at someone.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m losing control. Feeling it slip away from me like it’s being pulled, quickly, out of my hands. My tiring grasp, making a last ditch effort to hold tight, that, which is mine. However, its inevitable failure looming on the horizon of my thoughts. Locked away, is where I’m going, behind the wall of myself. It’s the only safety I have, and the only one I can afford myself. Trust is nowhere but me, silence, my only option.

And the fun begins….

For those of you keeping up with my work journal, and those of you who know I love to make fun of Ike – the management and my co-workers have had the fear of God struck into them. Today I started cleaning Ike’s area of the store, which he never does and really needed to be done. Not much is out of place, but you can now find stuff. I’ve been wanting to do this for months, but he’s never been gone long enough for me to do it. *eg*

In other news, I came to a revelation about myself last night, and this is a question for those with similar situation…I have realized I’m not spiritually connected to my partner and I doubt I will ever be (he doesn’t believe in soul/spirit). I don’t really see this as an issue to be resolved, but it does leave a slight emptiness in me. I have spiritual connections to several of my friends, mostly the real inner sanctum, and it has brought me great happiness. But this is where I feel slightly hollow. My question to you, is how have you gotten around this feeling, and what have you and your partner(s) done to bridge this gap? I need suggestions! *grin*

And the fun begins….

For those of you keeping up with my work journal, and those of you who know I love to make fun of Ike – the management and my co-workers have had the fear of God struck into them. Today I started cleaning Ike’s area of the store, which he never does and really needed to be done. Not much is out of place, but you can now find stuff. I’ve been wanting to do this for months, but he’s never been gone long enough for me to do it. *eg*

In other news, I came to a revelation about myself last night, and this is a question for those with similar situation…I have realized I’m not spiritually connected to my partner and I doubt I will ever be (he doesn’t believe in soul/spirit). I don’t really see this as an issue to be resolved, but it does leave a slight emptiness in me. I have spiritual connections to several of my friends, mostly the real inner sanctum, and it has brought me great happiness. But this is where I feel slightly hollow. My question to you, is how have you gotten around this feeling, and what have you and your partner(s) done to bridge this gap? I need suggestions! *grin*

Ok, work day go to thehodgeroom, today was amusing – at least to me it was.

Now, for personal notes. Normally, I’m not one to get hung up on things *cough*, but I must say, sometimes my friends are just wonderful. This morning, the Marine showed up at work, first thing after opening, just to see me. It was great. He can be such a dick sometimes, but then he does stuff like this that makes our friendship worth it. He amused with me stories of the Sanitarium tour, which I really wish I had gone now. Apparently, Metallica realizes their new stuff sucks and only played two songs off the new album, the rest was old school (re: the good stuff), and he almost got into a fight with Fred Durst when he roamed into the crowd trying to pump them up. The Marine’s whole section was sitting down and Durst said, “Are you enjoying the concert?” (or something like that), and the Marine, in tried and true fashion promptly stuck his hand up in the air with the middle finger flying, followed by, “YOU SUCK!” in that wonderful voice that only a Marine could shout. That got Durst’s attention. Man, if only I could have been there. I could have watched Fred Durst get his ass kicked by one of America’s finest. *sigh* It was great. But hopefully he’ll be stretched out on the lawn with me at Ozzfest, we need to wreak havoc on the Manson sheep (his GF willing).

In other news, last night’s moon had me awfully down (the work day cheered me up). This morning, driving to work and listening to the Pup’s misery CD, I realized what was wrong. I’m missing him again. I thought I had all the emotions tamed and quelled with the decisions and treaties we made, but apparently I didn’t. Last night just brought them all up in their full glory. It’s not something I cry over anymore, no reason to, but still – there’s pain and I can’t get it to go away. I’m comfortable with our relationship, or lacking thereof, at the moment. However, I do feel that he’s at another point now, least, I’ve noticed when I feel this way, it’s because of some difficulty he’s going through. I hate that I can’t be there for him (yeah, I know, I’m just wastelessly expending my energy on him), but to me the aggravation is in the fact that I can’t be something stable for him, which is what I feel he needs right now. He’s my friend, and I feel like shit because I can’t be that to him – least not publically – without inflicting more damage to an already damaged situation. *sigh* I know what my calling is to my kindredfolk, and as irritating as it can be to those close to me, to see me go through the things I go through, this is the path I’ve chosen and to skew from it would be a breech of honour for me. I’m loyal to a fault, but given that this is not an abusive situation – between the two of us – I see nothing destructive in my actions or feelings. Don’t worry, I learned that lesson the hard way, and it has stuck. I love who I love, and loving those people means being there for them and worrying about them. Even the ones I don’t voice my worry over. At least, with them, I can check up on them to make sure things are good. In this case, I can’t really. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Fucking people! *grin*

Ok, work day go to thehodgeroom, today was amusing – at least to me it was.

Now, for personal notes. Normally, I’m not one to get hung up on things *cough*, but I must say, sometimes my friends are just wonderful. This morning, the Marine showed up at work, first thing after opening, just to see me. It was great. He can be such a dick sometimes, but then he does stuff like this that makes our friendship worth it. He amused with me stories of the Sanitarium tour, which I really wish I had gone now. Apparently, Metallica realizes their new stuff sucks and only played two songs off the new album, the rest was old school (re: the good stuff), and he almost got into a fight with Fred Durst when he roamed into the crowd trying to pump them up. The Marine’s whole section was sitting down and Durst said, “Are you enjoying the concert?” (or something like that), and the Marine, in tried and true fashion promptly stuck his hand up in the air with the middle finger flying, followed by, “YOU SUCK!” in that wonderful voice that only a Marine could shout. That got Durst’s attention. Man, if only I could have been there. I could have watched Fred Durst get his ass kicked by one of America’s finest. *sigh* It was great. But hopefully he’ll be stretched out on the lawn with me at Ozzfest, we need to wreak havoc on the Manson sheep (his GF willing).

In other news, last night’s moon had me awfully down (the work day cheered me up). This morning, driving to work and listening to the Pup’s misery CD, I realized what was wrong. I’m missing him again. I thought I had all the emotions tamed and quelled with the decisions and treaties we made, but apparently I didn’t. Last night just brought them all up in their full glory. It’s not something I cry over anymore, no reason to, but still – there’s pain and I can’t get it to go away. I’m comfortable with our relationship, or lacking thereof, at the moment. However, I do feel that he’s at another point now, least, I’ve noticed when I feel this way, it’s because of some difficulty he’s going through. I hate that I can’t be there for him (yeah, I know, I’m just wastelessly expending my energy on him), but to me the aggravation is in the fact that I can’t be something stable for him, which is what I feel he needs right now. He’s my friend, and I feel like shit because I can’t be that to him – least not publically – without inflicting more damage to an already damaged situation. *sigh* I know what my calling is to my kindredfolk, and as irritating as it can be to those close to me, to see me go through the things I go through, this is the path I’ve chosen and to skew from it would be a breech of honour for me. I’m loyal to a fault, but given that this is not an abusive situation – between the two of us – I see nothing destructive in my actions or feelings. Don’t worry, I learned that lesson the hard way, and it has stuck. I love who I love, and loving those people means being there for them and worrying about them. Even the ones I don’t voice my worry over. At least, with them, I can check up on them to make sure things are good. In this case, I can’t really. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Fucking people! *grin*