Author: Saille

Who am I? On the surface I'm a nature-loving dirt worshipping hippy in search of a good adrenaline rush. That's all I have for now.

Ya know, I’m sitting here, watching college gymnastics, and thinking “damn, I’m glad I didn’t make the team and the university. otherwise, i’d look like a cheerleader reject who can tumble better and wears less clothing.” they’re good, don’t get me wrong, but those damned “spirit” stickers on their face and all the fucking glitter. maybe that’s why i couldn’t cut it, i was too much of a serious gymnast and would never be caught dead in sparkly uniforms and school initials on my cheek. ugh. 😛 oh yeah, the commentary sucks, like normal.

Last night I had a dream.
I answered those voices.
But there’s no way they heard.
No contact to trace them.

They want to be found, somehow.
Through the veil they must part.
yadda, yadda, yadda….

At any rate, anyone know how to burn a cd off an ipod playlist? I have an awesome list that would love to be concrete, but I guess Apple got stuck with the MP3 shit and I can’t import my stuff off my iPod. Clues?

I heard a voice cry out tonight. It held me in its grasp as it sang my emotions through my speakers. Calm and angelic, stirring that which refuses to die. A bond, growing through distance. The silence speaking more volumes than face words. Melding with my memories, faces, glances, touch, taste, floating before my eyes with each strain. Peace, at last, peace within myself, and without myself. The thanks I give for this, is immeasurable, unvoicable. Hate does not exist here, just love, for all that is, all that was, and all that will be. The future be known, I see no end, just let it come and exist.

Thank you.

Thanks everyone.

I actually got some sleep last night, even hit the snooze button a couple of times. Hit the point where the tears are dry, so no physical crying, but the rest of my body is still pushing for it. *sigh*

I don’t want to be the strong one, for once. Just this time, I’d like to be able to sit back and be weak, just this time. Maybe it will hurt less if I just accept it and let it consume me.

Fair warning in the event there are any questions…

I have opened the armoury and put on my finest. If I come off as cold, it’s because I have to heal first. So, deal with it.

Soul-bearing in progression, be warned…

I know, I’ve been writing quite a bit lately. I have to because at the moment, I don’t have a safe place to go scream and thrash around without having the police called on me. Wailing in the shower helped, a bit, but it wasn’t enough. The cats don’t know what to do, I just have to get out of the house, so I did. I’m debating whether or not I’m going to go for a walk around Piedmont Park after lunch with moonbird. I know the pain will eventually subside, my Scotsman is very supportive, to an extent it confuses me that he’s not hurting. But, that is another story that will stay between the inner sanctum. I want to talk, I want to sort myself out, I fucking hurt! My throat is half closed most of the time, lack of sleep, where I’m safe and at peace, has left me with no other option to wallow in this misery. Maybe I do love pain, because I’m doing a good job of perpetuating it within myself. It was said that my pain should be easier, but it’s not. Look at it this way, what did you lose? One thing, you’re worrying about your and maybe my pain, I’m worrying about yours, mine, and that of my Scotsman. Here, I’m sitting here saying to myself how I’ve screwed over, yet another, life in my quest for happiness. Today I was told there would be help getting over you, but sitting and thinking about it, I don’t want to be over you, I don’t want to feel dead about things and I certainly don’t want to have to sit here saying, “I finally met a true soul-mate, and he’s gone. Someone who understood me, from day one, no explaination at all, it was just there.” The one time in my life when I actually stood up and said I will fight for this, only having to give up because of respect for feelings and decisions. I fucking hurt!!!!! Pain, yeah, been there, done that, had it thrown at me and I could weather it. But this? No, this pain is too much for me, I might have found your weakness quickly, but here’s mine, open for everyone and anyone to manipulate and me just screaming “why?” in a shower so my tears would be washed away quickly instead of hanging around on a pillow. You’re not the only one in pain! Regardless of what I have waiting for me at home, I’ve still been ripped apart! Oh yeah, that last soul-bearing letter….I lied, too bad I didn’t realize I was falling without a parachute and the target was a rapidly approaching concrete parking lot.

At the end of all great stories, there is “The End”. Not just an end with a “the” in front of it, but an end with a capital “The”. That is how I am feeling right now. Confused, lost, estranged, alone, longing. Sitting by the phone, waiting for it to ring, again, with a voice I miss already. Tears that won’t stop, while trying to put perspective and not focus on myself, feeling selfish for what I want and what I desire, knowing that it has to be placed away, left in my memories, a touch, a glance, a word……longing. A face, fuzzy through the rain, an outline struggling to fade but chained to a wall with steel that won’t give way. Running away, locked away, inside, where pain does not exist and cannot exist. Silence, apathy, death. I want to fade. Be a chalk drawing that fades away when the clouds burst, washing away everything that I am and was. Slate, black, everything and nothing. Wash me away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away…..

It feels good to talk and I am doing much better today. I avoided flooding my car and life has, somewhat, returned to normal. I thank those who allow me to be open with who, and what, I am and don’t place judgement on the results, instead they hug me and tell me how wonderful I am.