Ghost in the shell…

Not the wonderful anime, unfortunately.

When people talk about depression, which is good, they often just talk. Least, that’s how I see it when dealing with my own. It’s why I don’t talk about it much. But I’m going to here…

The title is how I feel walking around most days. I’m invisible when I’m in low tide. Unfortunately, it gives me the opportunity to wallow in what I view of my failures and overwhelming short-comings. I know, in my rational mind, that it’s a perception and it’s not really true. There’s a portion where I manifest my own destiny through that unconscious thought patterns, but as far as Brene Brown’s definitions I honestly don’t feel like I belong anywhere.

The interesting thing, is that I actually opened up to my parents today. Turns out, my mom has felt the same way most of her life. Lots of people can point to us and say that they know us, but honestly, I can’t say that I’ve had a best friend since college. I have close friends and my husband is the only person I can point to and say I have a best friend. But outside of that, I don’t have people I shop with, go hiking with, explore stuff like this with – except strangers. It’s easier to open up to an anonymous group of strangers than it is to people I consider friends.

I’ve gotten away from it. Why? Well, because according to one person in my past – who also filled the position of “best friend” – I wore my heart on my sleeve and he took it upon himself to “fix” me. Which goes back to Brown’s idea of belonging. I appreciated the definition that she was able to stumble upon in her interviews that describe it as being accepted into a group without having to change a single thing about yourself. I guess that’s what the more fluffy side of the yoga community describes as “finding your tribe”.

But I can definitely describe myself as being lonely. The only time I truly don’t feel that way is when I’m out in the woods – alone. I think that’s why Hesse’s poetry always resonated with me.

Seltzam im Nebel zu wandern
Einsam ist allein.
Aber einsam ist nicht allein.

My dad says it’s not a bad thing, as long as I’m not purposely isolating myself – with my squirrels. But honestly, my squirrels and my cats seem to understand me better.

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