Freakchylde's

I don’t know what’s up with me today. Found out that it is not the most intelligent idea to hand me a handpick and tell me to transplant monkey grass. After a couple of minutes, I was told to find something else to do. I’m definitely not hormonal, I could tell if that were the case. I am in pain though. Every muscle group that I’ve been working on is in pain. My shoulder has a bunch of static air going through it, my hip is sending spikes down to my feet and up into my lower back. My wrists hurt, my hands are cramping and I’m getting some fuzz in my neck where one of my new-found bony processes connects (it’s supposed to be a muscle). I’m absolutely angry and I don’t know why. Sorry, gardening does not make me all nice and happy fuzzy. I can’t stand gardening, it doesn’t calm me down, doesn’t make me feel constructive, doesn’t do jack crap for me. Give me the flame thrower and let me cut down the weeds and I’ll feel all of that. Shove my hands in dirt and I feel like I have some obligation I have to fulfill, regardless my view of it. I don’t get it. I thought I was actually on the road to being happy, I’ve had more up days lately, than down days and here I am wondering if I’m making it all up. Playing pretend in hopes that I’ll feel happy when all’s said and done. I don’t know anymore, I really don’t. I honestly wish I could wipe the slate clean, redesign the things I want, and put it all back together. Maybe this is one of the control issues my therapist and I discussed, my inability to give up control and trust others. Or maybe it’s that I feel I’ve given up too much control. 6 days a week, I’m told what to do and when to do it. Maybe I just need a vacation where I make the decisions. My space, where my word is the final word. I just don’t get it. I really don’t.

P.S. – Hellboy kicks ass.