Month: October 2003

I’m sitting here watching a movie. I feel like I should be doing something else, but in the realization that it’s Sunday and the stuff I’d love to do, is no longer open. A bit lost, nothing available and the fact that the backyard would just remind me of how much more work I have to do on it. The plans suddenly disappeared at the fact of singledom today, from last night. Illuminations has some cool candle holders and votives on sale, from halloween that I wanted to go get. Nada, plans cancelled. Oh well, I do it myself, so I can’t hold issues when it’s done to me. I need a weekend friend, for those odd times I wish to go out and do something odd. Seems all my friends are getting married lately, thankfully, not all of them are. *sigh* Why do I feel like I’m being so pathetic so often lately?

Summary of the day:

Fairly boring, but before I headed off to the muscler ripper I headed to the bank. It started to sprinkle a bit. A wee bit overcast, but not enough to completely gray-out out the sun. It felt awesome, even though I wasn’t sitting in it, I could feel the joy in it. It wasn’t the “gotta scrub out this nastiness shower”, it was the “it’s a wonderful day, and I’d like to sit under a light lukewarm shower in the sun.” Oh, it was nice. And now I feel absolutely wonderful. It hurts to press into various muscles, or touch them in any way, but they feel nice deep down inside. prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

So, my shoulders are now half open. Spent an hour and a half getting all the scar tissue ripped open and the resulting tight muscles relaxed. The joke was that I was getting all the benefits of drugs, without them. Said I was missing the fuzzy feeling, so my therpist handed me the fuzzy platapus to fulfill the rest. But I feel good. I can move my shoulders and there’s no popping sound, I don’t feel them hugging my ears anymore. Ceilings have as much mildew removed as possible and ready to repaint. I’m comfortable in myself, not choking on any imaginary thing at the moment. Next week I get to spend as much time as possible in my workroom doing some meditation on a couple new assignments. One of them are my goals for the coming year, individually and group. My individual goals are to work towards more balance within and the work that goes with that, gain a closer relationship with my goddess and my recent animal spirit addition, learn how to let go of things. Several of these things are yearly goals, because each year is a closer step towards that ultimate goal, yet at the same time, they are goals that must continually be worked upon. Last year I changed my career, started meditating more, going to yoga class once a week, and making a spiritual committment to myself. Letting go of things is something I’ve never quite been able to accomplish. The small things are easy to let go of, I’ve succeeded there, but the larger ones are still not in my reach and I want to get closer to those ones.

Ok, Kerry just moved down a couple notches…

Q: What do you plan to do about the amounts of immigrants who are dying in the deserts trying to get into the US?

A: We need to take away the incentive for people to go into the deserts trying to get into this country. Through agreements with Mexico. (continues with more examples and whatnot but did nothing to address the fact we already have legal means in place)

Ok, no offense to the lovely people who decide to cross the desert, but I work with immigrants. They’re playing by all the rules that this government has put into place for them to be naturalized. Which, requires their two young children to remain in Mexico for another 2-3 years till they meet their 7 year employment requirement. They can’t visit their kids in Mexico because their Visas might be revoked at the border, and their kids can’t come here because of their age. Yet, once a month, at the local embassy they have amnesty days where illegal immigrants can get their legal alien cards without any run around from the government. Similar thing happened to a friend of mine who married a Canadian. They spent months going by the books to get her citizenship and avoid having her deported. The solution is not getting some “your citizens are my citizens” agreement with other countries, it’s making the process of going through the legal routes less painful for those who do it!

Ok, thanks to CNN, I’ve managed to cut my candidate list down even further. Kucinich will definitely not be in the running. Nice ideas, but his views of necessary changes regarding our foreign relations, right now, and the creation of a “Dept of Peace” make me feel like I’m tasting rabbit fur on my tongue. Gephardt has nice ideas, but he’s too Washington. Clark, I have my issues with, but he has the experience regarding the military (yes, I know, that’s not a guarantee he’ll have any concept of foreign affairs), Kerry is still at his same spot, as does Dean. I do like Dean’s ideas though. Decisions, decisions. Anyone want to shed any insight on the candidates? (I don’t care about Mosely-Braun and Sharpton, so you can tweak the list down *wink*)

Scorpio for week of Oct 9:

“You are potentially a genius. Maybe not in the same way that Einstein and Beethoven were, but still: You possess some capacity or set of skills that is exquisitely unique. You are a work of art unlike any other that has ever lived. Furthermore, the precise instructions you need to ripen into that glorious state have always been with you, even from before you were born. In the words of psychologist James Hillman, you have a soul’s code. You might also call it the master plan of your heart’s deepest desire; the special mission that the Divine Wow sent you here to carry out; the blueprint that contains the secret of how to be perfectly, gracefully, unpredictably yourself. Now here’s the really good news, Scorpio: You’re at a turning point when you have extraordinary power to tune in to and activate untapped areas of your soul’s code.”

FreeWill Astrology

For some reason, I wish to explain a few things….

In the world of the freakchylde, there is one major rule and one major rule alone….Don’t lie to me. There’s a reason for it, especially if you’re lucky enough to be allowed into the the inner walls of my being. I really, really don’t like it and I consider it a massive breach of trust, which is usually never regained. Now, I can take the need for someone to lie, make themselves look bad, in order to protect someone else that doesn’t deserve the pain, yet. That’s dealable and I do it myself (worked in corp america, also the reason I no longer work in corp america). However, if you lie, solely for your own gain, you screw yourself. And you screw yourself even worse when you naively try to logically explain it away through the idea that you’re protecting someone else. You’re not. You’re protecting your own ass, and for that you deserve to roast in the blue flames. Along those lines is also the concept of talking out of your mouth, instead of both ends of your digestive tract. What does this mean? If you’re going to say that you’re going to do something, say….to change the habit/s in your life, make an effort to do it. Even if you fail, you’ve at least made the effort and not just made lip service. Don’t make promises that you don’t intend to keep. I consider that lying for your own protection and talking out of your ass. Wrong choice. And when you prove me right, after asking my advice and disregarding it like I never gave it, and I tell you I was right…don’t go trying to pawn yourself off as being innocent. You’re not. I told you and you ignored me. Also, when you know what my reaction is going to be, don’t tell me not to react in that way. My reaction is not going to change, regardless of what you say. You knew what you were going to face and you chose to face it. Now deal with the fucking consequences, you created the situation.

I’ve contemplated a rhetorical theory my Therapist suggested: lower my expectations and I won’t be as depressed when they’re not met. Don’t harbour so much hope when I know what the reality will be. However, my question would be this: Is it really that much to ask, that those close to me actually have enough knowledge and respect for me, as their friend, that they can tell me the truth instead of lying? Is it that much to ask, for my friends to act as mature individuals who are grown-up, in regards to how they present themselves in their relationship to me? I give this to each and every one of my friends, is it that much to ask for it in return? Otherwise, grow up and don’t bitch when the expected reaction occurs. I’m not like everyone else. I have my limits and I don’t let people push them, especially when it comes to the special privileges I already grant to those who can count themselves amongst my kindred. In my world, family is just as easy to cast off as strangers. It might take more planning, but the strings cut the same way.