Month: October 2003

I’m seriously lethargic. Seems to be going around. I’ve decided I won’t be going to yoga for this week and next, mainly because I’m working all next week, and otherwise I need to get to where I’ve got the muscle endurance for both weights and yoga. I will be making a true effort to get to kickboxing this week, won’t be able to do it next week (work thing again). But I do have some serious overhauls to make. I’ve hit the bottom again, scraping, actually. Surprising, because usually this time brings a great amount of joy. But I’m finding, year after year, that this season brings more pain and shredded heart tissue than anything else. It’s the time of new beginnings, starting over, starting new, new goals, new projects. And I’m fucking depressed out of my mind! I spend more time trying to motivate me out of bed, then off to do the simple things, and it takes up too much time. And that’s just the crap that’s going on inside of me. I can’t even begin to hit the shit that coming at me from without.

So, tonight marks the end of my weekend as a reinstated bachelorette. What have I accomplished? Well, I managed to have more vivid dreams, yet managed to only write down a few. I have managed to spend some time with beloved friends, that I don’t get to see much. I think this is what I miss most. Being able to come home and just be by myself. I’m reconnecting with the step-terror, as his da isn’t here to pet and love him, so he has to settle with second best. I’ve enjoyed it. I haven’t had anyone putting pressure on me to get anything done, that I haven’t wanted to get done. Spent some time thinking to myself, sleeping on my own, spent time in my own room, enjoying this world on my own. I woke up this morning to a downpour. It was pleasant, and I can’t wait till my room is built in the backyard. It will be wonderful to sit in a roofed area, where I can just absorb the sounds and the scents. Oh, it will be lovely!!!! One of these days, I will take multiple weeks off to go spend time in the woods. I need to get back to that part of me. My tree self, that sits in the rain and drinks up the bounty in wonderment. I’ve been trying to re-connect with willows, but the long-distance is hard. I’m contemplating planting one in the backyard, or at my camping spot on Druid’s hill. It would be a means of marking my spot. My area, my space in time. My goal for the next couple of weeks. Little t.v. and technology, more time outside. I do need to work on limiting my writing to actual paper and not so much a computer. It doesn’t help me get to where I need to be.

Finally, my body can return to normal. I really don’t get the point of daylight savings time, anymore. In the early days of the country, I could understand it, but it completely gets my bio-clock off, so I spend all the months of savings tired, moody, and all that other jazz. I hate it. My body likes to wake up when it’s supposed to, and go to sleep when it’s supposed to. Otherwise it gets really pissy. I think I’m going to include that in my goals for the upcoming dark year, to work on. Letting my body do what it’s supposed to. I stay up later than it wants to, because the rest of my wants to spend time with others. I get up early because my job requires it. So both conflict with each other and I end up fatigued. I’m going to make an effort to succeed in not doing that anymore. I’ve got Tivo, I can tape the late shows I want to see, as well as the early shows. Time to make a more vestige schedule and stick to it. I can’t take living like this anymore.

Last night was wonderful. Went to an AmerIndian death feast last night. Spent time with a grove member and got to know him better. It makes me feel much better to have found the new family I have. Each one of them, with their own psychosis and their own uniqueness to add to me and me to them. It’s wonderful. I feel a bit odd, from the other day. The Marine came in and told me to call him and let him know when good concerts would be coming up. That means he’s allowed to see me socially again, meaning his fiance has either gotten tolerant, or non-existant. I hope it’s not the latter. He loves her, even though it means leashing himself. He held his left hand in his pocket, every moment I saw him, but he followed me around to talk. I feel bad, I didn’t get the time I wanted to. Every time I’d turn to talk to him, someone else would walk up and take my attention. I miss our discussions. But, I do know what I’m going to get him for Holiday. Just need to make sure that skull is available.

Scorpio for this week:

“You’re on the verge of tapping into a huge reservoir of fresh, starting-over energy. To aid you in capitalizing on this gift, I offer you Ellen Kort’s poem, “Advice to Beginners.” Begin. Keep on beginning. Nibble on everything. Pull up anchors. Sit close to the god of night. Lie still in a stream and breathe water. Climb to the top of the highest tree until you come to the branch where the blue heron sleeps. Eat poems for breakfast. Lick the mountain’s bare shoulder. Measure the color of days around your mother’s death. Put your hands over your face and listen to what they tell you. Swim with the sea turtle into the moon. Drink wild geranium tea. Run naked in the rain. ”

FreeWill Astrology

So, spent several hours this morning waking up, then falling back to sleep, waking up, then falling back to sleep. Not a case of insomnia or something, but the shoulder workout my trainer gave me had far greater consequences that I should have thought about. See, I’m a side-sleeper, sleeping on my back is only something I can do if I’m half asleep already and have mind to roll onto it. I wake up this morning and find I can’t lift my arms more than 5 inches from my sides, with two huge muscular bundles in the part of my pec muscles that attach on my arms. My partner was gracious enough to work them down to smaller bundles, but the adhesion there is still enough that it’s causing a huge weakness in those muscles. I should have thought about noting the work I’ve been trying to do to free up my shoulders, and the fact the exercises we were going through were detrimental to my progress. Which, I will now have mind to do, next time the trainer decides to work a part of me that I’m having ripped open. Yes, the muscles need to be rebuilt after being broken down, but they’re not done being broken down yet, and in working to rebuild them it is not necessary to overwork them. Which, is what has happened. I’m trying to get rid of the forward twist in my shoulders, that makes me look like i’m slouching when I’m not. I’ve just severely impeded that progress, in the fact that I’m now in constant pain when I rotate my shoulders back to where they’re supposed to be. I’m now in a constant slouch because we failed to workout the posterior section of my shoulders. Now, maybe I’m just a body nut, but shouldn’t a trainer be well aware of the necessity to work out both the protagonist muscle groups, and the antagonist groups? We didn’t even come close to that. Granted, those movements are probably relegated to the back movements, but still, they should have been present in the same workout. So, when I can move again, enough to get back into the gym, I’m going to re-plan my workout around those muscle groups, instead of going whilly-nilly around my body.

Note: I have way too many run-on sentences.

Ya know, sometimes I wonder about whether or not people are interested in being friends with me (e.g. they show interest in me and not me coming off as a psycho demon in trying to get to know them) and then the Marine shows up at work, just to say hi. No other reason whatsoever, even though it might be months sinces we’ve talked, and months till we talk again. I don’t know why I get so happy about him showing up because it is the one and only thing, besides a car accident, that will brighten up my day and nothing else can go wrong. He’s not all that special, in the grand scheme of things, outside of the fact that he hasn’t placed any extraordinary requirements on our friendship. He intrigues me, watching him slink around my store, as if I couldn’t notice him. It was quite amusing, months upon months ago. I remember lazing around in the manager’s office, hoping that the Marine would show up that day. Then, for some reason, I decided it was time to go be a social employee, only to walk out of the office and right into the Marine. Of course, this was back when I had a hyper-crush on him and went to work every day, hoping he’d show up. But over time, I gained a kinship with him. We spent most of the night, after a concert once, discussing his tattoos and their significance to his life. I remember noticing the one on his leg, with an arrow pointed up. It looked oddly familiar, but sleep deprivation prevented me from being able to point straight at it in my mind. We were in my work room, so I went straight for my resource book shelf and pulled out a Rune workbook I had and started going through it. Found it! The rune on his leg was Tyr’s rune (still don’t know the name, but that’s ok). I told him how interesting I found it, that he would have put that there, made out of bones, with the inscription “Grunt” weaving in and out of the bones. It made perfect sense, especially in his line of work. He must be cautiously judgemental, place himself in the hands of the devil, so to speak, in order to carry out his work, and risk his life. I have a great amount of respect for this man, especially given how long it took him to let me into his energy, and when he did, how he opened up. I know some of where he’s come from, some of what he dreams and I have a great appreciation for all of that.

I don’t know where I want to go with this, or what I meant by it. I guess it’s the little things, like this, that gets me to appreciate those who are in my IRL inner sanctum. I can spew stories like this about all the people who reside there, and those who are no longer admitted. They’re special to me, and capable of making me grin at those odd moments when no one else can.

After playing religious 20 questions with a group newbie for the last couple of weeks, I feel it’s time to put down some basic on my view of my own religion. This way, I get a head start on several assignments and the upcoming roast of me. It also gives a couple of people, whom I view as mentors, a glimpse of my thoughts and my chance for them to question me and challange me (should they choose to, and I hope they will – *hint hint*). Yes, I know, I come off as needy, occassionally, but you know what…I’m seeking, still, and my inner monologues/intra-personality discussions get a bit hectic or one-sided and I love for the mind-fuck challanges that other perspectives can give me. So, in the next couple of days, please feel free to play 20 questions with me after I state my case.