Day: September 18, 2003

To an extent, this is a reflection of how useless I feel. I made an attempt at fulfilling my promises and trying to mow the lawn. I failed. I can’t get the lawnmower started today. I went out, knowing that I’ve done it before and am perfectly able to start the thing, again. I was wrong. Pushed down on the clutch/gas lever, released it, placed my hand under the wire to tighten it a bit, pushed down again, release, pull starter cord. Nothing, not even a hint that the blades were moving. Just an empty attempt. Adjusted the clutch button near the gas tank. Repeated the whole ritual. Nothing, again. Went through the motions, yet again, resetting the clutch button, and trying again. Nothing. I give up. I try to be useful and am cast aside, as always, with the inability to do something as simple as starting a fucking lawnmower.

And today was going so good. Thankfully, I get to see the moonbird in a little bit. That will definitely help me out.

I’ve found something interesting, I put myself into an altered state when I go for my walks in Piedmont. It’s so cool. I’ve decided that after my walks, I’m going to sit down, meditate, then write, before I leave the park. Today was interesting. I had to go a different route because there’s some event that’ll be happening this evening, but I noticed a small path where there were steps heading up for about 5 feet, then a dirt trail. It was one of those passing glimpses, nothing major important. Next time, I’m going to walk by and contemplate a bit. The concept of a short flight of stairs, up into the brush, then into the wilderness (not how it really looks, but the concept will work better for me). Morrigan was out today, her breath blowing across the park in full force. In my post-walk meditation, I called to her and welcomed her. The wind blew harder, with a voice saying, “thanks”. The trees were thrilled that she was present, branches shaking, shedding the dead leaves and changing the colours of the still-living ones. They welcome the rest from this past sun-year. They’ve received too much for them to use right now, so they are looking for the rest to absorb all that has been given. Making slow use of it for the next year, which brings everything, or nothing. We had lots of water this year. That’s good for the land, but we got too much, the winter will be very needed to prepare for next year. I feel more energy. I’m happy.