Freakchylde's

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve jumped off the deep end without bothering to see what I’m jumping into. It makes me question whether or not I’m really ready or mature enough to hold down a relationship that has any measure of difficulty or responsibility. I feel like a stranger in my own home, that’s not really my own home. It belongs to someone else, organized by someone else, and somehow I have to manage to upkeep the organization when I don’t even know where some of the most basic stuff exists. When I first arrived here, I felt like I was the only person doing any level of cleaning and scrubbing. Now I’m tired of it and I don’t want to do it anymore. That places the burden elsewhere, on top of everything else that has been assumed. At this point, I’m relegated to the only thing I can possibly do at the moment, cry. Every word spoken carries another tear with it. I’m left waiting because I have no clue what I can throw away and what I can’t. Work schedules leave me with no time to work on joint projects, because it’s the only time we get to spend together. The things I want to do, get left to the backburner because my concept of priorities is lined differently than the priorities of others. I want to disappear, I want to not wake up, or at least wake up in a perfect world where all I’m left to do is maintenance. I can’t build any more, there’s no will left in me to do that. It leads to failure, where I’m probably destined to be anyway. So why not just live up to what I’m given. Working against it just makes it more of a problem and doesn’t give me any form of rest. I’m tired, I want to rest.