Sometimes I wonder if I’ve jumped off the deep end without bothering to see what I’m jumping into. It makes me question whether or not I’m really ready or mature enough to hold down a relationship that has any measure of difficulty or responsibility. I feel like a stranger in my own home, that’s not really my own home. It belongs to someone else, organized by someone else, and somehow I have to manage to upkeep the organization when I don’t even know where some of the most basic stuff exists. When I first arrived here, I felt like I was the only person doing any level of cleaning and scrubbing. Now I’m tired of it and I don’t want to do it anymore. That places the burden elsewhere, on top of everything else that has been assumed. At this point, I’m relegated to the only thing I can possibly do at the moment, cry. Every word spoken carries another tear with it. I’m left waiting because I have no clue what I can throw away and what I can’t. Work schedules leave me with no time to work on joint projects, because it’s the only time we get to spend together. The things I want to do, get left to the backburner because my concept of priorities is lined differently than the priorities of others. I want to disappear, I want to not wake up, or at least wake up in a perfect world where all I’m left to do is maintenance. I can’t build any more, there’s no will left in me to do that. It leads to failure, where I’m probably destined to be anyway. So why not just live up to what I’m given. Working against it just makes it more of a problem and doesn’t give me any form of rest. I’m tired, I want to rest.
Day: September 16, 2003
Rock on!!!!! My hero has given the go ahead….
Camping part I Thursday:
Not much happened, got to put up a tent, get the campsite all set-up and come up with dreams of what I want it to look like. My Scotsman had to go to work that evening (fucking CNN), but I’m very greatful he came up with me to help set-up the site and get everything secured. That night was ritual. OMFGs! I was nervous about having so many different people, and so many different people with different ideas about what a Druid ritual would involve, and not enough of them showed up to the pre-ritual discussion. As I said the other day, most of them weren’t expecting whiskey as the fires of life, which was funny. In the pre-pre-ritual discussion, we had considered recognizing the Morrigan because it is coming her time. Well, we didn’t recognize her personally, but she did show up! And I felt her! Oh gods it absolutely kicked ass!!!!! The winds picked up, and the fire just took off, I spent 5 minutes staring into the fire. I saw the energy, crackling to be released, and bits/pieces of the woods flying off into the winds. I saw myself, locked in a piece of wood, waiting for the fire to hit the bark, releasing me to the winds to fly everywhere! That is what I need, to release myself, explore, fly away into the winds and see where they take me. I will be able to grow from that small ash that deposits in the dirt, and nourishes the seeds beneath during the cold winter. I love this!!!!!!!!!!
Camping part I Thursday:
Not much happened, got to put up a tent, get the campsite all set-up and come up with dreams of what I want it to look like. My Scotsman had to go to work that evening (fucking CNN), but I’m very greatful he came up with me to help set-up the site and get everything secured. That night was ritual. OMFGs! I was nervous about having so many different people, and so many different people with different ideas about what a Druid ritual would involve, and not enough of them showed up to the pre-ritual discussion. As I said the other day, most of them weren’t expecting whiskey as the fires of life, which was funny. In the pre-pre-ritual discussion, we had considered recognizing the Morrigan because it is coming her time. Well, we didn’t recognize her personally, but she did show up! And I felt her! Oh gods it absolutely kicked ass!!!!! The winds picked up, and the fire just took off, I spent 5 minutes staring into the fire. I saw the energy, crackling to be released, and bits/pieces of the woods flying off into the winds. I saw myself, locked in a piece of wood, waiting for the fire to hit the bark, releasing me to the winds to fly everywhere! That is what I need, to release myself, explore, fly away into the winds and see where they take me. I will be able to grow from that small ash that deposits in the dirt, and nourishes the seeds beneath during the cold winter. I love this!!!!!!!!!!
Freakchylde's 