I can’t quite decide if my current emotional death is the result of the pain I’m experiencing, or if it’s because my emotions are actually dead.

So, I had my evening chat with my ex-lover, the Elf, and actually discussed things. I’ve always loved our chats because it helps to reaffirm who I am. See, we met online, and became quick friends, and even quicker lovers. I didn’t mind, because I needed someone who understood me, and who was there for me at that time in my life. Parting sucked, even though it was known from the beginning that I’d be moving. One of the things we discussed was how much our friendship has grown, in light of the difficulties we faced. Shortly after I moved south, I had to let him go, because of what I had done to him. I shredded every emotion he had with what I had done. Because of all that, I severed all contact for a year because every discussion we had was all the anger and things we never got to say. Added to that, my fiance, at the time, was putting me through hell for what I had done to him, and pretty much pressured me into the sever. After that time, he had cooled down, and so had I. I called off the wedding, the engagement, and then the relationship because I found that in trying to make up for what I had done, I ceased to be who I really am. It made me hate myself because I allowed someone to change who I was just so that person would love me and not constantly remind me of my past. I needed to heal. The constant berating and fights were not good for either of us and it was obvious we’d be happier separated. That was when the Elf and I started talking again. We ended up helping each other through the situations we had encountered and strengthened our friendship. Now, we discuss how much fun we’d have beating each other up, because that was our favourite past-time. It’s also kind of funny, because throughout all the shit that’s gone on in my life, he’s still the person that understands me the most. He commented tonight, about how he’s always considered me to be him, only female. I seconded that because we are so similar. Both of us are free-spirits, not to be caged, and we’re both the most accepting of the other’s decisions. Now, if I could just snag him from Chicago for a stretch of local concerts. That would be way cool.

So, I’m sitting here pondering on a continued tangent from my thoughts last night. I’m still trying to figure out if my take on relationships is because I’m just screwed up. I can’t remember everything that was going through my head earlier, but I’ll take a stab at it, so forgive me if it all seems to jump around. One of my major thoughts has been along that lines that I’ve always considered myself a free spirit. Ya know, not owned or tamed by anyone, gives myself over to those who can respect what I am, and whatnot. Kind of like a cat (you know, no one owns a cat, they just live with you). I vowed not to allow myself to be owned by anyone after what I went through with the Ex, nor do I feel like I should be owned by anyone. I’m wondering if that is where my main issue is with full monogamous commitment. Which leads to my second point, selfishness. I’ve never considered myself to be selfish, except with my clothes. I’ve always been of the free will, free giving persona. I seem to have the unconditional love thing mastered, should a person prove to me they are willing of that gift. Which is why I’ve always been of the opinion, what I get, my partner(s) get. I’m not one that buys into the hipocracy of one person getting a bite and the other being denied. Which leads into a totally different problem…issues being brought up that result, not necessarily in the desired result, but in a result that hasn’t uncovered itself. I understand the wants and desires of just one person, but those desires aren’t exactly what has been the situation of late (girl secondary = desired, guy secondary = not comfortable). Mainly, because I hang out with guys and don’t really get along well with girls, they annoy me more than anything. But that is beside the point. I’m wondering, if my preferences are the result of nature/nurture or if they are the result of immaturity on the side of relationships? See, I’ve been in several long-term relationships. One of them was completely open and the other one would potentially be opened up after we were married (see conditional). With both of them, I was monogamous for several years before finding someone I wanted to add. The second relationship ended up with me finding a prospect and not pursuing it (because bf at the time felt rejected and was ready to drop me), and then later on, came upon another where the pull was too strong to ignore. Result? Well, I’m not engaged to the guy anymore, nuf said? At current point, I’m lucky enough to have someone who doesn’t want to put restrictions on me, and I definitely don’t want to lose that, but it goes back to the earlier difference between finding a female secondary vs. a male secondary. Lately, I’ve been finding myself wondering what is wrong with me because I’ve been hooking up with guys, not girls. The latest one has been an absolute heartache for me for several reasons, a) “oops, I did it again.” b) he’s got too much on his plate and walked out. c) wrapping the emotion around the logic of the situation – which has grasped the concept. I’ve also been contemplating what, exactly, I want in my life. I’ve pretty much got the career part taken care of, with the exception that it needs jump-started. Now, I’m onto my personal life. I’ve changed quite a bit in this last year, and I’m still absorbing it. The road I was on took a detour and I find myself walking in directions, other than the one I started out on. It’s a good thing for me, personally, but I’m left feeling like pursuing that direction would take me away from everything I’ve set-up to this point. I guess it’s a matter of integrating the new parts with the old parts, but I’m not exactly seeing how they’re going to work. The thought that just went through my head is I feel like I’m resisting being tame, at least the wild side of me is. Maybe that’s what is causing the issues? I’ve always been kind of a dual-personality person, have the human/logic on one side and animal/instinct on the other. Seems I’ve been feeling the pull of the animal side lately, well, lately as in the last 6 months or so. A classmate of mine, at one point, said I’m too primal and I give into it too much. I always thought I was doing a good job of keeping it satisfied and in vague control, but, to an extent, I feel like it has just been mounting up and the back-flow is getting ready to break the dam to flood the valley. This has been something I’ve been feeling for quite some time, started around the time that I started to become interested in The Marine, and at this point, I’m ready to chalk that interest up to all this backlog I’m feeling. Do I constrain myself too much? Not be who I really am? That’s been a huge issue between my therapist and I. He feels that I’m not truly being who I really am, which, I agree with. I allow myself to work within the contraints I’ve placed myself in, but have I placed myself in contraints that are too tight? And if I have, what would be the proper amount of room that I would need? I don’t want too much, because I have that whole issue with hurting those I care about most, unnecessarily. Maybe that is where my issues really lie, not fully being myself, therefore, my partners don’t know who I really am and cannot adapt with that. But that leaves me questioning how selfish I am. Why should everyone have to adapt to who I am and not vice versa? Should anyone have to adapt to anyone or could I really meet in the middle and feel satisfied? Although, I guess it would help if I knew where the middle was, first. Ok, that’s enough for now. This is already long enough.