Freakchylde's

Soul-bearing in progression, be warned…

I know, I’ve been writing quite a bit lately. I have to because at the moment, I don’t have a safe place to go scream and thrash around without having the police called on me. Wailing in the shower helped, a bit, but it wasn’t enough. The cats don’t know what to do, I just have to get out of the house, so I did. I’m debating whether or not I’m going to go for a walk around Piedmont Park after lunch with moonbird. I know the pain will eventually subside, my Scotsman is very supportive, to an extent it confuses me that he’s not hurting. But, that is another story that will stay between the inner sanctum. I want to talk, I want to sort myself out, I fucking hurt! My throat is half closed most of the time, lack of sleep, where I’m safe and at peace, has left me with no other option to wallow in this misery. Maybe I do love pain, because I’m doing a good job of perpetuating it within myself. It was said that my pain should be easier, but it’s not. Look at it this way, what did you lose? One thing, you’re worrying about your and maybe my pain, I’m worrying about yours, mine, and that of my Scotsman. Here, I’m sitting here saying to myself how I’ve screwed over, yet another, life in my quest for happiness. Today I was told there would be help getting over you, but sitting and thinking about it, I don’t want to be over you, I don’t want to feel dead about things and I certainly don’t want to have to sit here saying, “I finally met a true soul-mate, and he’s gone. Someone who understood me, from day one, no explaination at all, it was just there.” The one time in my life when I actually stood up and said I will fight for this, only having to give up because of respect for feelings and decisions. I fucking hurt!!!!! Pain, yeah, been there, done that, had it thrown at me and I could weather it. But this? No, this pain is too much for me, I might have found your weakness quickly, but here’s mine, open for everyone and anyone to manipulate and me just screaming “why?” in a shower so my tears would be washed away quickly instead of hanging around on a pillow. You’re not the only one in pain! Regardless of what I have waiting for me at home, I’ve still been ripped apart! Oh yeah, that last soul-bearing letter….I lied, too bad I didn’t realize I was falling without a parachute and the target was a rapidly approaching concrete parking lot.