growth

Ok, I’ve sat thinking about the latest revelations that have changed my perception of a certain 5+ years of my life. First off, I know I dwell on things, that’s how I end up coming to a resolution to them. Second, a certain, and only, ex-fiance can happily go screw himself and his “wife”. The gyst, basically, I just found out that I was lied to for 5+ years about more than just the mundane daily bullshit. I was lied to about decisions to have kids, mainly, and I was lied to in regards to our “status”. Apparently, meaning it’s the only logical answer I can come up with, I cheated on said ex-fiance not once, but twice. Why? Because, according to my source (whom I trust more than said ex-fiance), he found out I was cheating on him after I moved out. Now, I’m not quite sure how to figure this, since he stopped referring to me as his girlfriend the day I broke up with him. After that I was just his roommate that he fucked (till I gave him 6 months of no sex). So, as a result of that, I started dating and seeing people other than him. Why? Because I was sick and tired of the games he was playing and wanted to get on with my life. At any rate, that’s the only answer I can come up with because he knew about my first indescretion, which led to me breaking up with him in the first place, because I couldn’t forgive myself. Now, onto the kids. As I’ve stated in a previous journal, from day one, he always talked about how evil and worthless kids were. I thought that was great because I wasn’t too keen on having them myself at the time either. I was also told that said ex-fiance, by said ex-fiance, was infertile due to radiation treatments as a teen. Apparently, that’s all a potential lie as well. Though, I know the kids were a lie, because my trustworthy source has informed me of how he always talked about wanting kids and he only said he didn’t want them because I didn’t want them. (Please keep in mind, he said he didn’t want kids first). So, not only does said ex-fiance have this thing with compulsive lying, he also seems to have an issue with accepting personal blame, but that’s something completely different that I would prefer to yell at him instead of writing it. Of course, that would completely wipe out my Scotsman’s desire to not have to pull me off of him at a club. Seriously, I need to resolve this within myself, especially since I’m not supposed to care about the pathetic pipsqueak I had the delusions of calling my husband. Thank the gods I woke up and left. And thank you to all the people who kept telling me I should.

Ok, I am definitely on a new leg of my journey through life. I know Beltaine was a new beginning and I thank the Gods for aiding me in opening my eyes to take this opportunity, and I thank my parents for their emotional and monetary support, and I thank my friends who are so gracious to offer their bodies up to the gods of massage to help me with my homework. This is, truly, going to change me, and I accept the fact that I will no longer be the same little cat that I have been up to now. I’m not really expecting that I’m suddenly going to become this laid back hippy, but I’m definitely going to be more open, more receptive, and even more patient than I already am. I will have to be or else I will fail at being the type of therapist I am studying to be. My one main hang-up at this point is the eventual energy work that I will be learning. One part of my CMT NMT training is polarity (read, watered down, anyone can do it, reiki), and the reason I have a hang-up with it is because it’s reiki, without permission to use the energy. At this point, I’m going to call the Priestess to the grove, and ask her if she would be willing to instruct me in reiki, or if she knows of someone near me that I can learn from. Call me odd, but this all goes along with my ethical issues and my dedication to my religious path. You don’t walk where you don’t have permission to, and that includes the energy you work with. Thankfully, this is the only hang-up I have at the moment, but I do believe this is where I need to be going. Everything about what I am embarking on feels way too right for it to just be a test. The main philosophy of my training is to unite and work with the body, mind and spirit of my clients. Just as the triskele is the symbol of the individual’s 3 parts, the 3 realms of existance, and the 3 states of existance. With honour, truth and justice I will be trusted with the well-being of new individuals in my life. On my honour I will earn their trust.