growth

Let’s see, I am…

a semi-vegetarian, nature-loving, ancestor-honouring, bisexual polygamist, bondage loving, body mutilating, pixie-like, screwed up, intelligent, history loving, stupidity hating, loving, friendly, open….whatthefuckever. gods, i don’t know what i am, other than screwed up.

What can be held in the face and mouth

Who am I when I remove my mask?
Well, that can be one of several things, which people slowly get to see the closer to my inner circle they get. One person I am, is this extremely caring person who will go out of her way for her friends to make sure they get what they need. Another person is a scared little girl who never got the chance to really grow up because she was too busy trying to fit into, what she felt was, what she was supposed to be, as told by everyone around her.

When do I put a mask on, and what does it look like?
I usually do this when I’m in a foreign situation, like around a lot of people and I’m the only one I know there, or there are only a couple of people I know and they are busy. In less words, whenever I am forced to be on my own. It’s usually one of power and control, like I’m actually in control of a situation I’m not, or a stand-offish one that keeps people away from me so I don’t have to interact with them.

How am I facing life?
Well, I’m now in the process of changing that through bodywork and becoming aware of the issues I have within myself. Otherwise, I kind of take it as it comes and alter my course depending on change of circumstance or change of need/desire.

What am I afraid to see?
The fact that people will have issues with who I really am and my opinions, especially if I want to invite them into my inner circle. Normally I don’t care what others think of me, but I’ve kind of been retrained in that aspect and I’m working to retrain myself out of that aspect. I need to quit fearing myself and who/what I am and how others see that. I guess that’s why it’s easier to open up via non-facial interraction (though, I think being deaf has something to do with that, too).

What do I need to say that I am holding back?
Every opinion I hold. Last week, we did neck work, and I got the scream out that my ex-fiance stuck there when he choked me. There’s much more stuck there and I’ll find a way to get it out of my throat when I figure out what needs to be said.

If I could completely let go, what sound expresses what I am feeling?
Growling, shrieking, all really, really loud sounds of anger, angst, and distress.

Poll #2

Pelvis and Abdomen:

Where in my body to I experience my “center”?

Well, honestly, it is around my belly button. Though, sometimes I think it’s a bit higher because I have a tendency to lose my balance on occassion when I’m not paying attention.

Am I at ease with sexual expression? If not, why?

I’m at ease with sexual expression, but I’m not at much ease with expression of my own physically. I have no issues with discussing my own sexual expressions, but once it moves past that, I start to close up because I have to control various urges I have out of the grace of committments I have put myself into. However, I have found that if I don’t deal with those urges in some manner, they end up over-powering me in ways that I end up not being able to control. Which sometimes leaves me in a Catch-22 because I’ll end up damned if I do, or damned if I don’t.

Am I in control of my sexual energy, or is it leading me?

At this particular point in time, which is why I chose this body part, I’m going to say that it is currently leading me and I am struggling to retain control of it out of respect and courtesy. I think I am doing quite a good job at maintaining a vestige of control, given that I have gone this long without issue and that I am currently dealing with the issues I have in a constructive manner that is healthy and respectful.

What am I afraid to face? How are my feelings twisted or confused?

Well, I know I’m afraid to face the truth of myself and who/what I am. I am trying to hold to something that I believe I can be and work within the confines I have placed myself in. Whether or not those feelings are twisted and confused is outside my scope at the moment, but I believe that I can overcome the issues I am facing and retain control of myself and my urges.

Am I in touch with my “gut feelings?”

Yes I am, often times they hurt in ways they shouldn’t

Can I let go of my rational thinking and follow my instincts?

Yes, but that would revert back to what I am afraid of facing within myself. I have made a decision and my basic instincts would lead me into an instance that I don’t want to cause or deal with. It is my rational/primal mind that is causing the conflict because what one of them wants is not what I want in the long run. I cannot give into some frivolous thing for a moments enjoyment when the long-term is put in jeopardy.

Do I let myself express my emotions?

No, I don’t. They are closed for a reason and they get me into trouble.

Am I expressing my power fully and constructively?

I’m expressing it fully but not necessarily constructively. I find I become more destructive in dealing with my anger and having the need to act out my aggressions in some way, more often than not, during sex.

What does it mean to me to be “centered?”

In homeostasis within my mind and body. Feeling complete in the moment and not in need of outside stability.

Do I breathe with my belly?

Yep, been doing Yoga and meditating for too long to not know to breathe from the center. Playing in Jr High band helped too.

For those who are interested in polls

Ok, this is the start of something I’m going to do at least once a week. It’s basically an inner exploration of myself in front of the whole bloody world, so if you don’t like this shit, ya might want to skip over my journals. Basically what I’m doing, is taking the time to answer routine questions from The Balanced Body by my wonderful instructor Don Schuemann. So, the first set of questions deals with the chest, and here I go:

What sparks your inner fire?
Couldn’t quite say, but I’ve always been a curious one. Trying to uncover secrets and hidden knowledge. Passion does it too, not just the physical/sexual sense, but intellectual as well.

When and how do I control my feelings through breathing?
Whenever they hit the point I’m about to explode or I’m in public. I’ll start breathing deeply when angry or about to cry, mostly through my nose to really get control of it.

Does my heart center feel open?
Sometimes. I’m working on opening it up and being more upfront with who I am to both myself and those around me. But for the most part, I lock my feelings inside of me so that I can control in a seriously unhealthy manner. So far, it’s just made me chronically pissed and ill.

How am I restricting myself?
I’m not honest with myself about my feelings and opinions. And I’m not 100% honest about voicing my opinions when they should be voiced. That’s how I’ve ended up having difficulty taking in full breaths and why I’m usually breathing deeply, like I’m sighing–when I’m not.

Welcom to my world:

Today I rediscovered exactly why I hate talking to my dad. Regardless of what I’m doing, I’m always going to be getting back on my feet and never going to be able to afford something I very much want because of that. So, I have to learn to accept something second hand because that’s all I’m going to get for at least 3-5 years. Something to get used to, oh nevermind the fact that my job isn’t good enough either. Neither is the fact that my mum is spending $10k for me to get my massage certification so I can actually do something I want to do, that also happens to pay decently. But, oh, what good is that when I could go even further and become a physical therapist. Forget that it’s not what I want to do, and that I’m happy doing the job I currently have. Seriously, I’ve never had as great of job satisfaction as when I’m in my massage room, arms coated in oil, making someone’s stress go away and making them feel more balanced, physically and energetically. Forget all that because that is not what my father seems to envision as a worthwhile venture. For some odd reason, I get the feeling that he’s hoping it’s just another phase I’m going through that–hopefully–I’ll grow out of by my 40s. And this is the guy who wonders why I left home at 18 and refused to talk to him for 2 years while I was in college. I absolutely hate the entire thing. For once I feel like I’m actually making a difference in myself and others and he goes and rips it to shreds claiming I’m trying to save the world. Funny thought, I left the fiance he hated because he was just like my Dad, unfortunately, you can’t leave you family for treating you like shit. I think I’m going to stop talking to my Dad for a few months. Not like he’s paying for any of this anyway. My mum’s the one to thank for it, at least she believes in me and what I want to do to make myself happy. Fuck the bullshit, one of these days he’ll kick himself for being such a jackass again.

Well, yesterday I got in touch with myself. Basically, it started during my last class, Therapeutic Skills/ Beliefs. The main activity was not discussing the philosophical debate behind beliefs, it was touch and how that integrates with our own beliefs and the potential effect on our clients. So, for 2 hours I laid on my back, listening to a relaxation CD with my instructor (a Psychologist) leading us through a meditation. During the 1st 30 min, we allowed our bodies to move in the manner they wanted to move, not the manner our conscious mind told them to. It took me a while because I didn’t want to tell my body to move, but it wasn’t going to unless I did. So, I told my cat self to take over, and it did. Basically, the point was to get us out of our head and into our body. The 2cd 30 min was touching various body parts and registering in our conscious mind what our unconscious mind was experiencing and what our bodies were telling themselves through the touch. It was pretty mind-blowing for me. The last 30 min was to sit and absorb and process what we felt and where. I so wanted to break down and cry for awhile, almost did but just couldn’t find the command to allow my body to go ahead and express itself that way. All I wanted to do was to call up my Scotsman and tell him how much I love and appreciate him for being who and what he is, in regards to us. I never realized exactly how much I really focus on my body. I mean, I knew I was self-conscious, but I didn’t realize I was that self-conscious. But, I came to grip with that part of me, and told my body that I didn’t hate it, even though I acted like I did. And asked for its forgiveness for allowing someone else to decide what my body perspective was and believing that perspective. Needless to say, I’m slightly vulnerable right now, in those respects. But that’s why I have cats, and I need to go pay attention to them, then off to sleep.

I think I meditated too much during lunch today. So, now I know not to discuss a person I hate and the reasons why before I meditate. I drudged up a whole different angle of emotions today, as a result, and I’m quite disturbed by it. The whole afternoon was spent exploring these emotions and all the anger just started flooding the surface like a freshly tapped spring. I spent the ride home contemplating things, which lead to my eventual b-day with me being at the local saturday night club being lured up on stage for my b-day whippings. Needless to say, my adrenaline levels jumped up, heart went racing and flight mechanism was starting to kick in. Playing the scene over and over in my head lead to the eventual fight mechanism kicking in and me severely maiming said person I hate. I’m not quite sure if it was the result of me allowing the things that happened to happen, or the fact that I was just really really pissed at him and didn’t quite realize how much I do resent his entire existance. Granted, I don’t blame myself entirely for how low I got, because it was a long hard fall for me. My character doesn’t show weakness well, and I was always prideful in the fact that I didn’t go through the normal teenage angst, self-esteem issues. Enter said person I hate. When I was 17, I met this wonderful guy who actually understood me and could put up with me. After agonizing over the fact he was moving states, I settled in knowing I could visit. Fast Forward to college. Freshman year, I started beating myself over the head in order to keep this person in my life. Call me obsessed, because I really think I was. I didn’t have any friends, nor did I try to have any friends because that would mean I was less likely to be at home when he called. Enter Friends. I started hanging out with eventual friends I made through the Pagan group that I helped start and my network of RA’s. Guess what, I wasn’t home when he called, so I got bitched at, yet, it was ok for him to call me at 2AM because he was out with his friends, when I had an 8AM class. Soon after came the “you’re getting fat” comments. The constant reminders that I wasn’t the anorexic junkie he used to date before me. The jokes about my lack of hearing and everything else under the sun. Exit self-esteem. That started my decline, because that was what I heard over the next 2 years. I don’t know why I stayed with him because I should have let him leave after the first year. Of course, I would have done the honours having known that he wanted kids. Thanks for wasting 5 years of my life. Once I graduated, I never went anywhere without said person I hate. Till I decided to end the relationship because I was constantly being reminded that I was a whore and a slut because I slept with my best friend who actually cared about me enough to be there for me when said person I hate decided to ignore me. So, I was in a new state, had some local net friends, which led to my first night out without said person I hate. Enter road to recovery. That night, I actually talked to 3 new people I had never talked to before and met several others that are now my friends. The best thing, is that several of them helped in convincing me to move out of the then current living conditions. One of them, my Scotsman, was kind enough to keep reminding me that I wasn’t some anorexic slut who was worthless (not in those words, of course). And the others were kind enough to give those glances that make you feel special when they think you look great. I’m not 100% recovered, but I’m much further than I was 2 years ago. I still find me catching myself on things and the actuality that I have friends in my life that don’t try to force me in one direction or another, and a partner who is happiest when I’m being myself. So, I’m giving a very tearful thank you to everyone (netfriends included) who have added a compliment on personality, physique, whatever, because you’ve helped me get this far in noticing that I’m not what I was re-conditioned to think I was. I really means a bunch having you all in my life, in some way shape or form. Thanks!

In other news, I found the yoga center near me that I couldn’t find….and the anger is starting to leave my body.

Ok, I have this assignment for school in my journal. Basically, it’s taking one point in life, where I was identified with some aspect of my life, therefore becoming that aspect and nothing else. Or, I can describe a time where I over-identified with something and caused myself to become nothing more than that aspect. I sit thinking about those situations, and things that are going on in my life, at the moment, and realize that I do that quite often, even though it might only last a minute. Driving home last night after the after-party was a similar situation, though it has more to do with trained insecurities that need to be broken. I sit back thinking how often I’ve been, or I have, over-identified with being pagan, being a gothy-type, being female, being a young person, etc. How often in life we come across people who will know just one thing about us, and suddenly we become that one thing they know because it stops them from learning more about us? Case in point, the ex-roommate of the ex-idiot fiance and I never really got along too terribly well, because we didn’t know where our similarities were. She was of one religious and philosophical persuation and I was of another. The only commonality we had was our love of religious discussion, so that was what we discussed. As it was passed on to me, I was just that pagan goth who over-identified with being a pagan goth. Funny, the ex-idiot fiance began seeing me as that too, got irritated with my religious identity (because I don’t separate it from who I am) and told me to quit talking from a religious standpoint on so many things. Well, at any point, we know how that story ended and we know that I’m still a very religious person. It’s a strong aspect of me because that is where most of my values and personal ethics come from, and those of you who’ve been around me during those times when I try to resolve my internal ethical issues with various things, you know exactly how strong those ties are for me. Is that only what I am? No, I’m a multi-faceted person, just like everyone else. It just takes longer to get to the candy middle to find out all those facets of me for people who like to read Pat, the bunny more often than an in-depth Existentialist writer. Food for thought of those who read this: What is your predominant facet and how does that view affect how you see yourself and how you perceive others to see you?