My ceiling is purple.

In other news, and along the tangent of a previous post….I was watching a toddler walk through my store today, and I realized. She’s walking properly!!! Now, I’m sure that seems weird, but she was. First her toes, then her heels, bouncing around in front of my counter. As I was watching her, I realized that when we’re young, we actually have pretty good movement mechanics, and then slowly replace them with bad movement mechanics. Now, while our bodies are different from our quadreped counterparts in the animal kingdom, the movement of our legs is, for the most part, the same. They’re the power source for major movement with our ankles, knees and hips providing us with shock absorbing abilities. That’s why sprinters are told to run on their toes, they get a quicker and more powerful movement through that route. So, why have we ditched our natural method of walking? Got me. I’d venture to guess that it’s the way we’ve suited ourselves to our environment. However, it’s also resulted in horrendous posture, shin splints, tired heels, and various knee problems. The problems work their way upward, thanks to the fact that many of us put most of our body weight on our heels, instead of somewhere over our arches. And then off to one side or the other, instead of in the middle.

So, now comes my challange. As you all stand, during the day, or walk, notice where your weight is going. Is it evenly distributed between the ball of your foot and your heel? Is it evenly distributed across the ball of your foot? When you walk, do you walk heel to toe? What sensations do you notice when your heel first contacts the surface your walking on? Attempt to walk toe to heel, even if you have to do it barefoot. How does that feel? What sensations (besides it feeling odd) do you get when you walk this way?

Utilizing the answers, come up with a method of change to make standing and walking more comfortable. Trust me, it’ll feel good.

Ok, after discussion last night, I’ve come to this conclusion…

I’m over what happened with the idiot, however, it seems very few others will let it go – including him. So, anytime I’m around others, I’m constantly reminded of my relationship fuck-up. Not to mention the fact that he feels the constant need for it to be all about him and lie to make it all about him. I hate people who always feel the need to be the fucking victim. Annoys me to no end, especially when the fault is mutually shared. Yeah, I ask specific friends to provide me with the latest lies, for good reason – they’re hard to keep up with. A friend suggested the creation of a website where his ex’s can all bitch, since he seems think only he can. Gods, if only I could get in the position, again, to just let it all out on him. But, since my luck isn’t that good, I might as well sit back and let the cosm act out, as it’s doing such a good job at the moment. Thankfully, he’ll have to hop offline sooner or later for several months. That should give me a reprieve from the loads of bullshit that he keeps heaping. To go back to my original conclusion, I’m over what happened to him, but I am not over the lies that have come since. Therein, my issues lie.

My Scotsman and I went to see X2 last night, and since I don’t want to spoil it for those that haven’t seen it yet…

what i identified with….

A note before disappearing:

I woke up from a great dream about the pup, only to quickly disintegrate back to reality. So, I’m not much of a happy camper today. I should be because I’m about to go camping. But, we’re “not in much of a hurry” so I’m still sitting at the house, at noon. Apparently there are going to be thunderstorms tonight, which doesn’t bother me, I’m going regardless. Another good thing, my new shirts from lip service showed up today and they actually fit. So, now I have a new PVC shirt and a nifty new “gothy” shirt. Those are the positives of today, which I need to increase because right now I’m extremely negative, and I shouldn’t be. I’m in the process of potentially adopting a new cat, a black one. Why? Because I honestly am giving up the fact that Alpine will come home. He’s a gorgeous cat and I highly doubt that someone is going to be honest enough to see my sign with his picture and call me. (It’s that whole misanthropy thing). I still have the chocolates that the pup gave me, need to finish eating them. Next week’s check is going to Ozzfest tickets. Seems co-worker Heather will be going, by herself – least for now, so we figured we could meet up there should be both be there alone. I’m also getting the feeling that the Scotsman is not reading this much because I’ve put so much here and none of it gets talked about. He hasn’t even congratulated me on the grove dedication yet, though, he did ask if he needed to be there for the all-nighter, which he can’t (grove policy), because I mentioned it was an all-nighter last night. I’m beginning to think I just need to start doing more on my own, outside of cleaning this house, seems it’s going to be the only way I can feel any inch of self-completion because we do nothing together anymore. This camping trip is going to be a small thing, need to start climbing again because we’ve let that fall by the way-side, again. Gods, I’m just living my own life, least, that’s what it feels like. The only difference is there’s someone else willing to pay for stuff, which is leaving me feeling obligated to something because of the monetary investment. Separation, that is what I’m feeling, almost complete and utter separation. Partially because I’ve been turning away in my pain, it’s almost all internal right now, shutting down on almost every level. I just don’t feel anything anymore, honestly, it’s like every flutter I’ve had is gone. I manage to work myself up during the day to come home excited, and then I get here and it parks itself next to the door to be picked up on the way out. That is not how love is supposed to work. I know Jacob is right and that I do love deep down inside, but I can’t reach it right now and I really need to. Right now is not the time that it needs to be hiding. It’s a fucking pattern again, I skitzed when Thorn was going to move out here, and I skitzed – for good reason – when the idiot moved out here, and now I’m skitzing when I’m getting ready to move. When the concept was first discussed, I had no issues with it, but now it seems I am. I know it’s tied in with everything that was going on in the past few weeks, so, do I really have that many committment issues? I’m honestly thinking I am, I don’t know why because there’s never been too much of an issue, even with those of the past. They weren’t traumatizing for me, well, except for David, but I was still able to move on from that. The WB, in all her lacking wisdom, actually managed to make me do a double take yesteday. Her comment was, “We’re 25, we still don’t know who we are yet. They’re 30, by that point, most people have figured that part out. You’re still searching, don’t lock yourself down when you don’t know who you are.” Stunned me that she actually made sense for once.

On another positive note, called the Marine, he still has my number on speed dial. Guess that counts for something, doesn’t it?

I can’t quite decide if my current emotional death is the result of the pain I’m experiencing, or if it’s because my emotions are actually dead.

So, I had my evening chat with my ex-lover, the Elf, and actually discussed things. I’ve always loved our chats because it helps to reaffirm who I am. See, we met online, and became quick friends, and even quicker lovers. I didn’t mind, because I needed someone who understood me, and who was there for me at that time in my life. Parting sucked, even though it was known from the beginning that I’d be moving. One of the things we discussed was how much our friendship has grown, in light of the difficulties we faced. Shortly after I moved south, I had to let him go, because of what I had done to him. I shredded every emotion he had with what I had done. Because of all that, I severed all contact for a year because every discussion we had was all the anger and things we never got to say. Added to that, my fiance, at the time, was putting me through hell for what I had done to him, and pretty much pressured me into the sever. After that time, he had cooled down, and so had I. I called off the wedding, the engagement, and then the relationship because I found that in trying to make up for what I had done, I ceased to be who I really am. It made me hate myself because I allowed someone to change who I was just so that person would love me and not constantly remind me of my past. I needed to heal. The constant berating and fights were not good for either of us and it was obvious we’d be happier separated. That was when the Elf and I started talking again. We ended up helping each other through the situations we had encountered and strengthened our friendship. Now, we discuss how much fun we’d have beating each other up, because that was our favourite past-time. It’s also kind of funny, because throughout all the shit that’s gone on in my life, he’s still the person that understands me the most. He commented tonight, about how he’s always considered me to be him, only female. I seconded that because we are so similar. Both of us are free-spirits, not to be caged, and we’re both the most accepting of the other’s decisions. Now, if I could just snag him from Chicago for a stretch of local concerts. That would be way cool.

So, I’m sitting here pondering on a continued tangent from my thoughts last night. I’m still trying to figure out if my take on relationships is because I’m just screwed up. I can’t remember everything that was going through my head earlier, but I’ll take a stab at it, so forgive me if it all seems to jump around. One of my major thoughts has been along that lines that I’ve always considered myself a free spirit. Ya know, not owned or tamed by anyone, gives myself over to those who can respect what I am, and whatnot. Kind of like a cat (you know, no one owns a cat, they just live with you). I vowed not to allow myself to be owned by anyone after what I went through with the Ex, nor do I feel like I should be owned by anyone. I’m wondering if that is where my main issue is with full monogamous commitment. Which leads to my second point, selfishness. I’ve never considered myself to be selfish, except with my clothes. I’ve always been of the free will, free giving persona. I seem to have the unconditional love thing mastered, should a person prove to me they are willing of that gift. Which is why I’ve always been of the opinion, what I get, my partner(s) get. I’m not one that buys into the hipocracy of one person getting a bite and the other being denied. Which leads into a totally different problem…issues being brought up that result, not necessarily in the desired result, but in a result that hasn’t uncovered itself. I understand the wants and desires of just one person, but those desires aren’t exactly what has been the situation of late (girl secondary = desired, guy secondary = not comfortable). Mainly, because I hang out with guys and don’t really get along well with girls, they annoy me more than anything. But that is beside the point. I’m wondering, if my preferences are the result of nature/nurture or if they are the result of immaturity on the side of relationships? See, I’ve been in several long-term relationships. One of them was completely open and the other one would potentially be opened up after we were married (see conditional). With both of them, I was monogamous for several years before finding someone I wanted to add. The second relationship ended up with me finding a prospect and not pursuing it (because bf at the time felt rejected and was ready to drop me), and then later on, came upon another where the pull was too strong to ignore. Result? Well, I’m not engaged to the guy anymore, nuf said? At current point, I’m lucky enough to have someone who doesn’t want to put restrictions on me, and I definitely don’t want to lose that, but it goes back to the earlier difference between finding a female secondary vs. a male secondary. Lately, I’ve been finding myself wondering what is wrong with me because I’ve been hooking up with guys, not girls. The latest one has been an absolute heartache for me for several reasons, a) “oops, I did it again.” b) he’s got too much on his plate and walked out. c) wrapping the emotion around the logic of the situation – which has grasped the concept. I’ve also been contemplating what, exactly, I want in my life. I’ve pretty much got the career part taken care of, with the exception that it needs jump-started. Now, I’m onto my personal life. I’ve changed quite a bit in this last year, and I’m still absorbing it. The road I was on took a detour and I find myself walking in directions, other than the one I started out on. It’s a good thing for me, personally, but I’m left feeling like pursuing that direction would take me away from everything I’ve set-up to this point. I guess it’s a matter of integrating the new parts with the old parts, but I’m not exactly seeing how they’re going to work. The thought that just went through my head is I feel like I’m resisting being tame, at least the wild side of me is. Maybe that’s what is causing the issues? I’ve always been kind of a dual-personality person, have the human/logic on one side and animal/instinct on the other. Seems I’ve been feeling the pull of the animal side lately, well, lately as in the last 6 months or so. A classmate of mine, at one point, said I’m too primal and I give into it too much. I always thought I was doing a good job of keeping it satisfied and in vague control, but, to an extent, I feel like it has just been mounting up and the back-flow is getting ready to break the dam to flood the valley. This has been something I’ve been feeling for quite some time, started around the time that I started to become interested in The Marine, and at this point, I’m ready to chalk that interest up to all this backlog I’m feeling. Do I constrain myself too much? Not be who I really am? That’s been a huge issue between my therapist and I. He feels that I’m not truly being who I really am, which, I agree with. I allow myself to work within the contraints I’ve placed myself in, but have I placed myself in contraints that are too tight? And if I have, what would be the proper amount of room that I would need? I don’t want too much, because I have that whole issue with hurting those I care about most, unnecessarily. Maybe that is where my issues really lie, not fully being myself, therefore, my partners don’t know who I really am and cannot adapt with that. But that leaves me questioning how selfish I am. Why should everyone have to adapt to who I am and not vice versa? Should anyone have to adapt to anyone or could I really meet in the middle and feel satisfied? Although, I guess it would help if I knew where the middle was, first. Ok, that’s enough for now. This is already long enough.

Soul-bearing in progression, be warned…

I know, I’ve been writing quite a bit lately. I have to because at the moment, I don’t have a safe place to go scream and thrash around without having the police called on me. Wailing in the shower helped, a bit, but it wasn’t enough. The cats don’t know what to do, I just have to get out of the house, so I did. I’m debating whether or not I’m going to go for a walk around Piedmont Park after lunch with moonbird. I know the pain will eventually subside, my Scotsman is very supportive, to an extent it confuses me that he’s not hurting. But, that is another story that will stay between the inner sanctum. I want to talk, I want to sort myself out, I fucking hurt! My throat is half closed most of the time, lack of sleep, where I’m safe and at peace, has left me with no other option to wallow in this misery. Maybe I do love pain, because I’m doing a good job of perpetuating it within myself. It was said that my pain should be easier, but it’s not. Look at it this way, what did you lose? One thing, you’re worrying about your and maybe my pain, I’m worrying about yours, mine, and that of my Scotsman. Here, I’m sitting here saying to myself how I’ve screwed over, yet another, life in my quest for happiness. Today I was told there would be help getting over you, but sitting and thinking about it, I don’t want to be over you, I don’t want to feel dead about things and I certainly don’t want to have to sit here saying, “I finally met a true soul-mate, and he’s gone. Someone who understood me, from day one, no explaination at all, it was just there.” The one time in my life when I actually stood up and said I will fight for this, only having to give up because of respect for feelings and decisions. I fucking hurt!!!!! Pain, yeah, been there, done that, had it thrown at me and I could weather it. But this? No, this pain is too much for me, I might have found your weakness quickly, but here’s mine, open for everyone and anyone to manipulate and me just screaming “why?” in a shower so my tears would be washed away quickly instead of hanging around on a pillow. You’re not the only one in pain! Regardless of what I have waiting for me at home, I’ve still been ripped apart! Oh yeah, that last soul-bearing letter….I lied, too bad I didn’t realize I was falling without a parachute and the target was a rapidly approaching concrete parking lot.

At the end of all great stories, there is “The End”. Not just an end with a “the” in front of it, but an end with a capital “The”. That is how I am feeling right now. Confused, lost, estranged, alone, longing. Sitting by the phone, waiting for it to ring, again, with a voice I miss already. Tears that won’t stop, while trying to put perspective and not focus on myself, feeling selfish for what I want and what I desire, knowing that it has to be placed away, left in my memories, a touch, a glance, a word……longing. A face, fuzzy through the rain, an outline struggling to fade but chained to a wall with steel that won’t give way. Running away, locked away, inside, where pain does not exist and cannot exist. Silence, apathy, death. I want to fade. Be a chalk drawing that fades away when the clouds burst, washing away everything that I am and was. Slate, black, everything and nothing. Wash me away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away, away…..