growth

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve jumped off the deep end without bothering to see what I’m jumping into. It makes me question whether or not I’m really ready or mature enough to hold down a relationship that has any measure of difficulty or responsibility. I feel like a stranger in my own home, that’s not really my own home. It belongs to someone else, organized by someone else, and somehow I have to manage to upkeep the organization when I don’t even know where some of the most basic stuff exists. When I first arrived here, I felt like I was the only person doing any level of cleaning and scrubbing. Now I’m tired of it and I don’t want to do it anymore. That places the burden elsewhere, on top of everything else that has been assumed. At this point, I’m relegated to the only thing I can possibly do at the moment, cry. Every word spoken carries another tear with it. I’m left waiting because I have no clue what I can throw away and what I can’t. Work schedules leave me with no time to work on joint projects, because it’s the only time we get to spend together. The things I want to do, get left to the backburner because my concept of priorities is lined differently than the priorities of others. I want to disappear, I want to not wake up, or at least wake up in a perfect world where all I’m left to do is maintenance. I can’t build any more, there’s no will left in me to do that. It leads to failure, where I’m probably destined to be anyway. So why not just live up to what I’m given. Working against it just makes it more of a problem and doesn’t give me any form of rest. I’m tired, I want to rest.

Camping part I Thursday:

Not much happened, got to put up a tent, get the campsite all set-up and come up with dreams of what I want it to look like. My Scotsman had to go to work that evening (fucking CNN), but I’m very greatful he came up with me to help set-up the site and get everything secured. That night was ritual. OMFGs! I was nervous about having so many different people, and so many different people with different ideas about what a Druid ritual would involve, and not enough of them showed up to the pre-ritual discussion. As I said the other day, most of them weren’t expecting whiskey as the fires of life, which was funny. In the pre-pre-ritual discussion, we had considered recognizing the Morrigan because it is coming her time. Well, we didn’t recognize her personally, but she did show up! And I felt her! Oh gods it absolutely kicked ass!!!!! The winds picked up, and the fire just took off, I spent 5 minutes staring into the fire. I saw the energy, crackling to be released, and bits/pieces of the woods flying off into the winds. I saw myself, locked in a piece of wood, waiting for the fire to hit the bark, releasing me to the winds to fly everywhere! That is what I need, to release myself, explore, fly away into the winds and see where they take me. I will be able to grow from that small ash that deposits in the dirt, and nourishes the seeds beneath during the cold winter. I love this!!!!!!!!!!

Camping part I Thursday:

Not much happened, got to put up a tent, get the campsite all set-up and come up with dreams of what I want it to look like. My Scotsman had to go to work that evening (fucking CNN), but I’m very greatful he came up with me to help set-up the site and get everything secured. That night was ritual. OMFGs! I was nervous about having so many different people, and so many different people with different ideas about what a Druid ritual would involve, and not enough of them showed up to the pre-ritual discussion. As I said the other day, most of them weren’t expecting whiskey as the fires of life, which was funny. In the pre-pre-ritual discussion, we had considered recognizing the Morrigan because it is coming her time. Well, we didn’t recognize her personally, but she did show up! And I felt her! Oh gods it absolutely kicked ass!!!!! The winds picked up, and the fire just took off, I spent 5 minutes staring into the fire. I saw the energy, crackling to be released, and bits/pieces of the woods flying off into the winds. I saw myself, locked in a piece of wood, waiting for the fire to hit the bark, releasing me to the winds to fly everywhere! That is what I need, to release myself, explore, fly away into the winds and see where they take me. I will be able to grow from that small ash that deposits in the dirt, and nourishes the seeds beneath during the cold winter. I love this!!!!!!!!!!

I just got back from grove discussion about this weekend’s ritual at festival. It was fairly interesting because my priestess wants to sit down and talk with me about my relationship with the gods and my understanding of them. She said I seemed to be asking them more often than not. I didn’t realize I came off as doing that in the religious realm, even though I know I do that in my personal life. Reason being, we’re gods, we don’t need to ask anything. It has resonated with me, especially lately. I feel weak, I feel needy, I feel disconnected from things. In my outside persona, I’m fairly egotistcal and can back it up, but inside, I’m that little kitten that still needs its mum to sustain its life. I haven’t matured enough to go running off to town and devour a few people on my own. I can remember a time when I could easily do that. Maybe it’s my own life’s failures that have disillusioned me, maybe it’s life’s lessons that have changed my perspective. Either way, I need to get back to who I was. It has been a road that I’ve been trying to get back on, but I find I keep detouring off it. I thought about it on my way home, and realized that was my main reason for being so attracted to the Marine. He was so sure of himself, he’d earned that pride and it ran through his veins, not just worn on his skin. Right now, it’s only skin deep on me, it needs to run deeper. I’ll definitely start working on that.

Ok, so I probably need to quantify that last entry….

The book on shapeshifting I’ve been reading. I finished it, and actually had a buzz that lasted. Anyway, the writer of the book is part of this organization (Dream Changers), which does the things that I’ve been wanting to do for years, but always figured them for flights of fantasy. As I don’t have money for any of the overseas travel right now, I’m contemplating signing up for a couple of the local workshops and seeing where they take me. One of the things that I’ve always looked for, was a means to sustain myself while immersing myself in my spirituality. Gaining my CMT was a step towards that goal, this book falling in my lap is another stone in that path. But, even if I don’t get that far, I’ve had an absolute moment of clarity, which pulled together so many aspects of my life that never clicked till tonight. I guess this could be what Erynn referred to as the Imbas flood (not in those words). Needless to say, the first thing that came to my mind, was my gram asking me, “You’re filled with such hatred. Why?” I’ve never been able to answer that question, and as I thought about it, I thought about my school pictures. In kindergarten, every single picture you see me in, has me with a huge grin on my face. As the years progress, the smile fades and is slowly replaced by a plaster image to pacify the photographer and my parents. My gram was right. I have been filled with an unnamed hatred for years. I’ve always figured it was just me rebelling against my parents and feeling stiffled by what I viewed as their desires for me, and the fact that I don’t look like the daughter they wanted, and I don’t have the job I thought they wanted for me. But it’s not that! It’s the fact that for most of my life, I’ve been trying to control my environment through my perceptions and ideals, which I hold everyone up to. The fact that most people fail, and I don’t want them to, is what has caused the anger because I don’t let people be. Granted, I’m not expecting myself to suddenly embrace every ignorant person, but I can see myself being more permissive with the people who, honestly, just don’t have a clue but are seeking to find it. The people who refuse to get the clue hitting their forehead will probably continue to find my wrath. *eg* But for the first time, I am completely at ease with myself and confident in the fact that I will attain my goals, I will be successful with their attainment, and I will be able to run around and do what I’ve always wanted to do, deep down inside, become connected to the outlet I came unplugged from.

I’m feeling happy. I meditated this afternoon, early, and I’m still feeling in that happy place. I was practicing some of the techniques I read about in my Shapeshifting book. it was very cool to sink into my shiatsu mat and just keep sinking, like i was being engulfed by the whole 2 inches that separated me from the floor. I was fully conscious of what was going on around me, yet i was in my own little world. very much like the night my scotsman and i were supposed to go to dinner with friends, but i wasn’t able to make it because i couldn’t open my eyes or move from where i was. the thought hit me, at the moment, that i was the car i wanted. it was very cool, yet at the same time, one of those really odd things/thoughts i have. seriously, who wants to shapeshift into the car they want, and not be inside the thing at the same time? strange.

anyway, i have ordered the boots that i want, but my credit card is higher than i expected, so next month is limited spending so i can pay it off over the course of the next two months. all’s well, i still haven’t heard from the school. i’ll give them a call on tuesday to see what is up. in other worlds, i sanded my floor this morning, felt great when i finished, probably why i’m still on a happy high. i accomplished something of value today. next stop is to baby myself with a scented shower and hairwashing. i’m still thinking about the pup, too much. i still haven’t figured out why.

I chatted with my dad today. He was pissed that I want to watch that ‘son of a bitch’ fry in a courtroom. According to him, I should chalk my relationship with him up to experience, and nothing that happened didn’t happen without my consent. I can forgive the comment, based on the fact that I never told my dad about the attempt at breaking my leg by twisting it, the times he held me on the ground and put his entire body weight on my chest so I couldn’t breathe, the dental impressions embedded in my left arm where I was bitten so hard that my entire upper arm was bruised when the skin relaxed enough to return to it’s extended state, or the time he choked me after I slapped him upside the head for sitting on my chest, again. My dad also doesn’t know about all the emotional trauma I was put through, the whole “My god, do you ever stop eating? You’re such a pig.” or the trips we went on, where if I got hungry, he wouldn’t stop, he’d just keep driving and tell me I needed to lose weight. WTF, I weigh at the bottom of the healthy projected weight for my body type. Anyway, the whole thing was irritating me because my dad doesn’t believe in closure, he doesn’t believe in those ‘buzzwords’ people like to talk about. He thinks they should be embedded as deep as possible in the human psyche so they can jump out at a later time and beat the crap out of someone else. I believe the opposite. When I just let things sit and fester, that’s what they did. The anger just continued to build and I began lashing out at anyone that was close enough to suffer. I’ve still got my habits that I’m working through, and my thought processes that need to be re-wired and the fact that my dad thinks that anything that happened was because I consented to it. And once he was cool with the fact that things happened that he didn’t know about, he decided it was time to joke around, break the tension, and that is even more irritating. I have things to work through, they are things that are not going to go away and I would prefer to not carry them around as baggage for the rest of my life. That baggage has gotten so heavy lately, that I really need to dump some, and the situation has provided itself and I’d like to take advantage of it. Can I really be faulted for that? I remember, when my cousin went through her first divorce, my gram (dad’s mum) commented that it was my cousin’s lot in life to not be happy and she should deal with it – to my cousin. Everyone, including my dad, was irritated at that comment. But at the same time, that is basically similar to what my father is telling me. I suffered, I need to carry that around for the rest of my life because it was the experience and because of that, I need to continue to suffer until I can bury it underneath every other life experience that comes after it, and any other suffering I might have as a result of all that. What bullshit. Oh yeah, he suggested counselling, funny. He got pissed when I dragged him into my therapist’s office for his own little counselling session with him. Bastard.

Ok, I’m reading this book on shapeshifting for the modern world. I can’t recall the name of it, so if you want that, you’ll have to email me to get it….anyway, one of the concepts in there is that it’s not a matter of becoming, so much as it’s a matter of being. One example was that of a girl who’s dream it was, was to be a dancer. She’d try-out, and try-out, but never make a dance troupe. She lamented her problem to the local shaman/priest-healer (in Africa), and he asked her to dance for him. She did, and he asked if she danced every night, she said she did, and he said he saw a beautiful dancer before him, and if she already danced every night, then she was a dancer. Why would she need someone else to confirm what she already was, and by rejecting her, was rejecting what she already was. In regards to shapeshifting, the point is that, in order to take on the appearance of whatever shape you wish to shift to, you must be that shape, not become that shape. The same could be applied to every day life, don’t become the person you wish to be, be that person. It’s definitely a perspective shift, more than it’s a shape shift. It’s something I’m going to be working with more, given that I used to walk through a conservative university campus in all my gothy glory, and not have anyone bug me, or look at me because I didn’t want them to. I wasn’t trying to be invisible, as much as I was seeing them as invisible. I think that’s a bit contrary to what I’ve been trying to say, but hey, it happens. 🙂

I feel really weird. I’m not sure exactly what kind of energy it is, my Scotsman thinks it’s energy that was directed at him, but I really don’t know. Our outing today was really good all morning, and then lunch happened. I don’t know what is up, or what happened, or if anything went wrong. I just feel this utter need to start crying and I’m not sure why. It’s this outsider feeling popping up inside me again, but I’m not sure if it’s directed at me. I just really don’t know.

Dear Inner Self:

I’ve noticed much confusion lately, I’m not sure whether it’s a result of you taking time off, or whether it’s a result of me not focusing enough. However, during the time you’ve been on vacation, I’ve noticed that I’m quick to anger, quick to be irrational, lazy, and not really focusing on anything. I would love to know your thoughts on what might be my issue, because I can’t quite get a grasp on it. I meditated today, and then shortly after I went through a slight bout with an amount of rage I couldn’t quantify or qualify. There wasn’t really a reason to be yelling, screaming, or crying at the fact I couldn’t accomplish something the way I wanted to, because I couldn’t move an inanimate object. I really don’t get what’s going on. I’ve also noticed that I’m pretty scattered when driving, not that I’m not paying attention, but that I’m not paying as much attention as I used to. The main issue is that I feel unfocused, I’m feeling the anger getting out of control in my communications with other people, the need to shut down in order to control that anger and the fact that most of it is pretty pointless stuff. The source of these emotions are absolutely irrational and unprovoked, they’re also directed at things that aren’t the sources. There’s just this need to lash out, scream, bite, kick, scratch, yell, punch at everything that is close to me. Could you help me shed any light on this? Where is all this anger coming from? I honestly don’t see the point of any of these feelings I’m having. Could it be from feeling helpless? Feeling dependent? Or from feeling like I haven’t accomplished anything yet? I have my goals, but every step towards them feels like they are taking and even bigger step away from me. Keeping out of my reach. Could it be because I feel slightly unfulfilled in several realms, or that I’m not filling the needs of others the way I should be? What is it? I don’t like the fact that my expression of things gives the impression that it’s someone else’s responsibility (least, that’s what I’m told) or that they are stemming from something someone else does. I honestly don’t believe that is the problem. I’m really thinking that they are internal, but I can’t grab at them to fix them. I started meditating again, but during those times, I just turn off, no answers can be found, even when I go searching for them. I try to sleep, like a computer, but that’s all I do, just the screensaver shows up and nothing happens. I’m trying to work on these things, really, I am, but I guess what I’m doing just isn’t working and I was wondering if you could help or offer some suggestions to try.

Sincerely,
Conscious Self.