I know I’m not meant to feel this way, and it wasn’t meant to be implied. However, I have now justified that I’m just a worthless distraction that isn’t worth much time. I question my resolve to continue, the though of quitting has crossed my mind several times. I’ve spent many a time fighting for something that, in the end, turned out to be something that needed to end. For some reason, I continue, despite the tears, the hours sleeping. I just want to keep sleeping right now. Wake up when it’s all passed and moved on, take a break and wake up to the prince destined to wake me. Dreams, fantasies. Regardless what they start out to be, they crash. Any work of art eventually disappears, the need to be rebuilt, constant rebuilding. It’s tiring. Can’t handle it any more. I want to go, but I’m cemented in my spot. Can’t move, can’t feel. Burning hot showers to feel something sweeter than the pain I wallow in, the desire to start a fight, just so I can get my ass kicked in ways that break every single bone to shattered glass. Priorities. We all have them, I’m just not one of them anymore.

I know I’m not meant to feel this way, and it wasn’t meant to be implied. However, I have now justified that I’m just a worthless distraction that isn’t worth much time. I question my resolve to continue, the though of quitting has crossed my mind several times. I’ve spent many a time fighting for something that, in the end, turned out to be something that needed to end. For some reason, I continue, despite the tears, the hours sleeping. I just want to keep sleeping right now. Wake up when it’s all passed and moved on, take a break and wake up to the prince destined to wake me. Dreams, fantasies. Regardless what they start out to be, they crash. Any work of art eventually disappears, the need to be rebuilt, constant rebuilding. It’s tiring. Can’t handle it any more. I want to go, but I’m cemented in my spot. Can’t move, can’t feel. Burning hot showers to feel something sweeter than the pain I wallow in, the desire to start a fight, just so I can get my ass kicked in ways that break every single bone to shattered glass. Priorities. We all have them, I’m just not one of them anymore.

I have my concert date back. Kindof. I’m hoping he can make the show next week, because I’d love to spend some time with him. I figure if all my paperwork for the loan gets done, I’ll see if he wants to get lunch on Friday after I go pay off my car. It feels great.

The moonbird and I were talking last night, about putting various past people out of my life. Well, they are. Lack of respect leads to lack of life in my world. Besides, the Marine warrants more respect and admiration than most of the people I’ve been interested in.

Which brings up another thing…at last night’s discussion we were talking about hero’s and those we look up to. I commented that I was screwed because the person I look up to is a career marine sniper. Not just because he has my dream job, but the guy has qualities that I feel I need to get back to. The ability to brush things off as they happen, to not let other’s opinions of him get to him, the ability to fill multiple roles, yet still be this guy who’s nice, has a wicked sense of humour, and absolute love of life. It’s great to have him back.

I’m seriously lethargic. Seems to be going around. I’ve decided I won’t be going to yoga for this week and next, mainly because I’m working all next week, and otherwise I need to get to where I’ve got the muscle endurance for both weights and yoga. I will be making a true effort to get to kickboxing this week, won’t be able to do it next week (work thing again). But I do have some serious overhauls to make. I’ve hit the bottom again, scraping, actually. Surprising, because usually this time brings a great amount of joy. But I’m finding, year after year, that this season brings more pain and shredded heart tissue than anything else. It’s the time of new beginnings, starting over, starting new, new goals, new projects. And I’m fucking depressed out of my mind! I spend more time trying to motivate me out of bed, then off to do the simple things, and it takes up too much time. And that’s just the crap that’s going on inside of me. I can’t even begin to hit the shit that coming at me from without.

Ya know, sometimes I wonder about whether or not people are interested in being friends with me (e.g. they show interest in me and not me coming off as a psycho demon in trying to get to know them) and then the Marine shows up at work, just to say hi. No other reason whatsoever, even though it might be months sinces we’ve talked, and months till we talk again. I don’t know why I get so happy about him showing up because it is the one and only thing, besides a car accident, that will brighten up my day and nothing else can go wrong. He’s not all that special, in the grand scheme of things, outside of the fact that he hasn’t placed any extraordinary requirements on our friendship. He intrigues me, watching him slink around my store, as if I couldn’t notice him. It was quite amusing, months upon months ago. I remember lazing around in the manager’s office, hoping that the Marine would show up that day. Then, for some reason, I decided it was time to go be a social employee, only to walk out of the office and right into the Marine. Of course, this was back when I had a hyper-crush on him and went to work every day, hoping he’d show up. But over time, I gained a kinship with him. We spent most of the night, after a concert once, discussing his tattoos and their significance to his life. I remember noticing the one on his leg, with an arrow pointed up. It looked oddly familiar, but sleep deprivation prevented me from being able to point straight at it in my mind. We were in my work room, so I went straight for my resource book shelf and pulled out a Rune workbook I had and started going through it. Found it! The rune on his leg was Tyr’s rune (still don’t know the name, but that’s ok). I told him how interesting I found it, that he would have put that there, made out of bones, with the inscription “Grunt” weaving in and out of the bones. It made perfect sense, especially in his line of work. He must be cautiously judgemental, place himself in the hands of the devil, so to speak, in order to carry out his work, and risk his life. I have a great amount of respect for this man, especially given how long it took him to let me into his energy, and when he did, how he opened up. I know some of where he’s come from, some of what he dreams and I have a great appreciation for all of that.

I don’t know where I want to go with this, or what I meant by it. I guess it’s the little things, like this, that gets me to appreciate those who are in my IRL inner sanctum. I can spew stories like this about all the people who reside there, and those who are no longer admitted. They’re special to me, and capable of making me grin at those odd moments when no one else can.

I’m finding that I get an extreme enjoyment out of taking my walks. I know I can’t do it daily, but I would like to work up to a point where they are. Whether that be through getting up early and taking a walk while the sun rises, or taking my walk under the moon, I still need to take it. I also need to quit with my habit of staying home because I think I won’t be able to make it to a scheduled appt. in time. That’s what I ended up doing today, though, it also means yoga is out this evening. But that also means I have to get to bed early, so I can drag my ass out of bed for the 10AM class tomorrow. One of my goals for the upcoming year is to do yoga more and intensify my practice. Usually, that means horking up in my workroom and doing all the stretching necessary, but I’ve been wanting to spend more time with my instructor. He’s been getting more time at a couple local studios and I want to take advantage of it. Plus, as a means of meditation, I’m going to start working it into my park walks.

For some reason, I keep visualizing my goals, and at the same time there’s this voice in the back of my head saying they’re just a fantasy. I don’t know why, but to an extent it does feel like I’m trying to fantasize my life. These goals, they’d be great and I’d be happy to live my life with just them, but I also have to work, and while I enjoy the work I want to do, it still feels as if I’m going to be working myself to death, while trying to make time for the other things in my life. Sometimes, I think I should have been a monk, but the timing got screwed up.

So, my shoulders are now half open. Spent an hour and a half getting all the scar tissue ripped open and the resulting tight muscles relaxed. The joke was that I was getting all the benefits of drugs, without them. Said I was missing the fuzzy feeling, so my therpist handed me the fuzzy platapus to fulfill the rest. But I feel good. I can move my shoulders and there’s no popping sound, I don’t feel them hugging my ears anymore. Ceilings have as much mildew removed as possible and ready to repaint. I’m comfortable in myself, not choking on any imaginary thing at the moment. Next week I get to spend as much time as possible in my workroom doing some meditation on a couple new assignments. One of them are my goals for the coming year, individually and group. My individual goals are to work towards more balance within and the work that goes with that, gain a closer relationship with my goddess and my recent animal spirit addition, learn how to let go of things. Several of these things are yearly goals, because each year is a closer step towards that ultimate goal, yet at the same time, they are goals that must continually be worked upon. Last year I changed my career, started meditating more, going to yoga class once a week, and making a spiritual committment to myself. Letting go of things is something I’ve never quite been able to accomplish. The small things are easy to let go of, I’ve succeeded there, but the larger ones are still not in my reach and I want to get closer to those ones.

For some reason, I wish to explain a few things….

In the world of the freakchylde, there is one major rule and one major rule alone….Don’t lie to me. There’s a reason for it, especially if you’re lucky enough to be allowed into the the inner walls of my being. I really, really don’t like it and I consider it a massive breach of trust, which is usually never regained. Now, I can take the need for someone to lie, make themselves look bad, in order to protect someone else that doesn’t deserve the pain, yet. That’s dealable and I do it myself (worked in corp america, also the reason I no longer work in corp america). However, if you lie, solely for your own gain, you screw yourself. And you screw yourself even worse when you naively try to logically explain it away through the idea that you’re protecting someone else. You’re not. You’re protecting your own ass, and for that you deserve to roast in the blue flames. Along those lines is also the concept of talking out of your mouth, instead of both ends of your digestive tract. What does this mean? If you’re going to say that you’re going to do something, say….to change the habit/s in your life, make an effort to do it. Even if you fail, you’ve at least made the effort and not just made lip service. Don’t make promises that you don’t intend to keep. I consider that lying for your own protection and talking out of your ass. Wrong choice. And when you prove me right, after asking my advice and disregarding it like I never gave it, and I tell you I was right…don’t go trying to pawn yourself off as being innocent. You’re not. I told you and you ignored me. Also, when you know what my reaction is going to be, don’t tell me not to react in that way. My reaction is not going to change, regardless of what you say. You knew what you were going to face and you chose to face it. Now deal with the fucking consequences, you created the situation.

I’ve contemplated a rhetorical theory my Therapist suggested: lower my expectations and I won’t be as depressed when they’re not met. Don’t harbour so much hope when I know what the reality will be. However, my question would be this: Is it really that much to ask, that those close to me actually have enough knowledge and respect for me, as their friend, that they can tell me the truth instead of lying? Is it that much to ask, for my friends to act as mature individuals who are grown-up, in regards to how they present themselves in their relationship to me? I give this to each and every one of my friends, is it that much to ask for it in return? Otherwise, grow up and don’t bitch when the expected reaction occurs. I’m not like everyone else. I have my limits and I don’t let people push them, especially when it comes to the special privileges I already grant to those who can count themselves amongst my kindred. In my world, family is just as easy to cast off as strangers. It might take more planning, but the strings cut the same way.