So, nifty new friend of mine turned me onto a band. I like mucheth. Kinda edge-y/power/industrialish, enough for me to be able to jump around and act all “industrial”-like. Couple of songs that are definitely going on my gym playlist, and I want to see how it handles in the Element, which is the defining factor. All music must sound awesome in my car. If there is no hitting me in the core from my subwoofer, while sitting in the middle of the car, tis no good (yeah, I always love a good chest chakra thumping).

In other news, things are a bit weird. A connexion site I’ve been playing around on, has offerred some results. Interesting, kinda nervous about the potential of moving to face-to-face meetings, but so far nothing has been massively creepy. I still want to hear from at least one of the guys I emailed, but neither has been around. Oh well. One thing I have noticed, is that no one seems to grasp how firm I am on my age limits, or they don’t bother with them. I know the range that I’m comfortable in, as far as interests, what I desire in life, and maturity levels. Long ago, I learned the lesson on what happens when I try to stretch further than I’m capable of going. I test my boundaries, often, and when I’m ready to go a step beyond, I can. No problem there. I’m just too laid back sometimes, and I’m often very childish. I’ve got the maturity to realize where my limits are, and what boundaries can’t be crossed, and what my motivations for acting in a certain way, in a certain situation.

I guess I’m just over-analyzing. I do that a bit too, comes from writing too many Literary criticisms and being raised by scientists. Sometimes, I don’t let things just “be”. It’s a thing I’m working on, and have been working on, for quite a time. Making a bit of progress, and learning to let go. I need to start up my morning ritual again, it worked pretty well, just didn’t develop into a habit like I wanted.

And now I’m rambling.

So, I know some of you are wondering how the hell I can be a shy person. Had a couple of people express shock at the fact I’m nervous at calling a person who told me to hunt him down, so I did. Reason, is that I’ve done enough public relations jobs that I know how to fake it. Couple that with being around people I actually know and I change my tune pretty quickly. The better I know a person, the more open I become towards them. All people have to do is recall the first time they met me, and in most of these instances, it was because I sucked up and decided to get out of my house by myself.

I recall the first time I met most of my friends, locally. I went out to meet scourge, after having chatted with him online a bit, and my partner at the time refused to join me (oh dear, I was meeting another….man!). It was at a club, with plenty of chat space, so I parked myself on a sofa in front of the door. There, I had a montieth come up and start chatting, then introducing me to justanotherg33k, poisongirl, and the previously introduced _gothfather_. And off I went. Couple years later, I ended up at a BorderPagans meeting. Thankfully, sunriseata140 was there, and made me comfortable enough to start talking to other people. The rest is history.

Now, I’m just going batty. But I’ve decided that I’m going to start stepping outside of myself and challanging myself. Dragon*Con was one of those moments, did several things I usually would never consider, ever. From here on out, I’m going to make a point of doing something that’s not “me” at least once a week. Should be interesting. And here my parents could never figure out why I didn’t want to go into science. I’d make a great one. 😛

In other news, finally made it back to the gym yesterday. Still not up to par for the full 2-hr workout, but managed about 1.5 hrs and skrimped on the cardio (damned congested lungs). Felt good, and my legs are killing me. Can’t let another month get in the way of lifting, my legs almost collapsed under me on the inverted press, and I was just lifting 95 lbs, nowhere near the full max out. I hate being sick, I feel like a wuss.

Obviously, I’m still awake. I think my sleep schedule this week has set me off-kilter a bit, but that’s alright. Every time I close my eyes I have a choice of two scenes, one, I wish would stay in my head more often, and the other I need to somehow shrug off because it does nothing but cause tension. Maybe I’ll hit the kickboxing class this week instead of yoga, seems the anger energy is still radiating off of me, especially around my shoulders (which totally ruins the lovely massage I got earlier).

I’ve kind of lost track of time, I know which day it is, but somehow my timeline for the week is completely skewed. I can’t remember what happened on which day, can’t think clearly and definitely can’t open my mouth and communicate very well. I’ve got a lapse in my vocabulary and can’t articulate for shit. I spend minutes trying to think of the word that’s on the tip of my tongue, only to watch it sit there before coming to conscious memory. With that, I’d like to mention the good things that happened this week….

I’m thankful for my friends, and a few new ones, for standing with me, without words, while I started thunderstorms at 4AM.

I’m thankful for a friend who stayed with me and talked till 6AM.

I’m thankful for a wonderful partner who accepts me for me, and is willing to allow me my few real delights.

I’m thankful for a couple of strangers who let me into their room, as they attempted a philosophical approach to gender roles through-out history.

I’m thankful for a new friend, if that would be the word to use, who allowed me my few childish moments, and just tormented me back.

I’m thankful for two great friends, who allowed me to invade their space and showed me a great time – even though I now miss the Marine more than I did. (but hey, I got to torment a really cute one while I was there).

This week has been astounding. I mean seriously astounding. I’ve always enjoyed working on others with a life challenge and I’ve gotten plenty of that this week. It was also quite fulfilling to assist them in getting around the hotel.

For those who haven’t heard, this week was the convention for the National Federation for the Blind. It was amazing to see the ends, to which, the hotel went to accommodate these people. Hundreds of seeing eye dogs, people trying to make their way around, yelling at a person they couldn’t find. Just watching these people make their way around a complicated hotel was just inspiring. They have a lifestyle that many would shun them for, as a client of mine’s friend suffered, yet they are still joyful!

Today, I almost yelled at kids and parents of Taekwondo competitors. I walked several of the NFB attendees over to the childcare room, and they were practicing forms and almost hitting these people after I said to stop, so we could walk through. I found it quite disconcerting and rude, and the parents just added to it. *sigh*

I greatly appreciate being around other people who can understand where I’m at, I feel comfortable with them, even though they don’t understand why I stand with them.

One of these days, I’ll be comfortable with myself.

I will never apologize for how I feel, they are my feelings and justified as such.
I will never apologize for who I am, I accept my faults and my successes, they are who I am.
I will never apologize for someone’s inability to deal with me, that’s something they need to decide.

I will never change myself to make someone feel better.
I will never change myself so someone can deal with me.
I will never change myself to be with someone else.

Should any change be made, it will be the result of ME seeing a need for it from within.
Should any change be made, it will be because it’s beneficial to me.
Should any change be made, it will be for the advancement of me.

I will not be treated like a child. I am an intelligent adult and capable of asking for elaboration, I do not need it fed to me. I have the right way, that’s right for me. Shortcuts for one person, may not be what I wish to use, I learn through experience. I will not play games, of any sort. Points are not made with games, anger and irritation are the only products from such childish manners. I will not tolerate a desire to re-create my past, it is the past and it will not occur again.

So I’m slowly building up to the belief I’ll be able to withstand some pretty serious torture. My therapist found a couple tendons out of place in my shoulders (which would explain the crunchy sound when I straighten them overhead) and put them back into place. Seriously, I rarely, if ever, tear up from pain. I’m one of those odd people who not only have a high pain tolerance, but also too stubborn to have an emotional display to go with it. My usual response is, “Ok, that really hurts.” or some facial expression as I adjust to the pain. But no, yesterday’s session had me in tears. Mainly, because he tripped my tear ducts while working on my jaw. We discussed methods of anger management, and various things I can do to not let it build up to the point I’m having violent outbursts. I’m getting some ideas, and yes, I do need to resume my meditative schedule. The workout schedule is slowly building back up, he even gave me suggestions on which muscles to work to help out my therapy sessions. I just have to be careful on how much weight I lift. Gotta keep from yanking my collar bones out of socket again. 😛

At least my neck is popping again.

In taking about 24-hours to think about it, I’ve come up with a few things that have been contributing to my emotional rollercoaster, of late.
1) I haven’t been going to kickboxing for a couple of weeks due to a separated shoulder.

2) The fact that my other shoulder is starting to separate and I still have a nice sharp shooting pain down the original separation.

3) I with-held saying the words “Goodbye, I’m going to miss you.” because an agreement gave me more time to say it. That day has come and gone, and I still haven’t had the chance to get those words out. And he’s gone.

4) At both my jobs (with leeway at one), I’m required to smile, look happy, give people what they want and deal with their bullshit. In massage, it’s not hard, because that’s when I’m doing my life’s work – helping people who are making the effort to help themselves. The issue is when I get the B.S. stuff, the small stuff (like a $1 tip for a 20 minute work-up). Seriously, tip or don’t tip. I’d rather get no tip than be handed a $1. The co-worker from hell on Friday nights isn’t helping any, either. He seems to expect everything to be given to him, and acts as though he’s in competition with me for “the most knowledgable and competent Therapist” award. If I wanted to compete with someone, I’d still be a gymnast, and I’d still kick his ass. But I’m not, therefore I don’t feel like it.
The store is totally different. I had taken up a morning/evening ritual to allow me to let things roll off me. That’s kinda run by the way-side, and the issues at the store are coming at me from all sides. It’s not just the customers anymore, it’s the energy/emotion vamp I work with, who insists on making a big deal out of everything. And I’m the middle man. I’m the “even-tempered” one who sees both sides, but she just makes excuses when I point out everything she does, in the small words she understands. Nobody is happy there, and she’s not leaving anytime soon.

5) I was given an instrument of destruction and I used it to destroy something. I was told to stop, when I really needed to get it all out. The intention was not to add to things, but given my state of mind, that’s how it was chalked up. Then had things pointed out, in a style that insinuated I “should have known that”, even if the tone wasn’t intended to be taken that way, either.

6) I’m in lots of pain, all over, not just my shoulders. I’m tired, seriously fatigued, and I don’t feel like having everything dumped on me. I’ve been doing real well at socially being me, but lately it’s taken a turn for the worse. I’ve been snappy at work, being a bit too vocal about my thoughts, being too open about things I shouldn’t be open about. I’ve enjoyed coming out of my shell, and now it’s being side-tracked.

And thus begins my preparation for Tuesday. It’s odd, I don’t think there’s been any point in time where I’ve been completely shorn from the neck down. Should be interesting.

It’s finally hit me, he’s leaving and going to be gone, gone, gone. I knew it from the first few days I got to know him, and allowed that to influence a few decisions. I don’t regret that decision, but I do regret not persuing a friendship stronger than I did. But, I do not regret getting to know him. I saw the person I used to be in him, and the person I wanted to become. The strength of character and conviction. It was someone I could truly, and honestly, respect in every fashion. He didn’t mind me being the slack-ass I am, thought the DPM shorts, tank and boots was cute, and managed to one up me on morbid things possible. Though, I’m glad that there’s someone out there who loves the odd gifts I can find, and wouldn’t mind receiving myself. Knowing that there’s someone out there, just like me, and then some. Quite comforting to me, in all my internal feelings of isolation, there is one person connected to me. A person who’s memories can tell a story, passed through a touch. I will miss the 3AM discussions on tattoo symbolism, the awkward silences that follow combat stories, the evening partings with the stop to hug goodbye that never exists, the stress relieving bitchfest after a night at the office, the giddy schoolgirl feeling of fear and anticipation before calling/visiting. All of it, tucked away in my memories. I will smile, and I will have reason to smile. I hope that feeling is shared, in some fashion.