Ok, I’ve sat thinking about the latest revelations that have changed my perception of a certain 5+ years of my life. First off, I know I dwell on things, that’s how I end up coming to a resolution to them. Second, a certain, and only, ex-fiance can happily go screw himself and his “wife”. The gyst, basically, I just found out that I was lied to for 5+ years about more than just the mundane daily bullshit. I was lied to about decisions to have kids, mainly, and I was lied to in regards to our “status”. Apparently, meaning it’s the only logical answer I can come up with, I cheated on said ex-fiance not once, but twice. Why? Because, according to my source (whom I trust more than said ex-fiance), he found out I was cheating on him after I moved out. Now, I’m not quite sure how to figure this, since he stopped referring to me as his girlfriend the day I broke up with him. After that I was just his roommate that he fucked (till I gave him 6 months of no sex). So, as a result of that, I started dating and seeing people other than him. Why? Because I was sick and tired of the games he was playing and wanted to get on with my life. At any rate, that’s the only answer I can come up with because he knew about my first indescretion, which led to me breaking up with him in the first place, because I couldn’t forgive myself. Now, onto the kids. As I’ve stated in a previous journal, from day one, he always talked about how evil and worthless kids were. I thought that was great because I wasn’t too keen on having them myself at the time either. I was also told that said ex-fiance, by said ex-fiance, was infertile due to radiation treatments as a teen. Apparently, that’s all a potential lie as well. Though, I know the kids were a lie, because my trustworthy source has informed me of how he always talked about wanting kids and he only said he didn’t want them because I didn’t want them. (Please keep in mind, he said he didn’t want kids first). So, not only does said ex-fiance have this thing with compulsive lying, he also seems to have an issue with accepting personal blame, but that’s something completely different that I would prefer to yell at him instead of writing it. Of course, that would completely wipe out my Scotsman’s desire to not have to pull me off of him at a club. Seriously, I need to resolve this within myself, especially since I’m not supposed to care about the pathetic pipsqueak I had the delusions of calling my husband. Thank the gods I woke up and left. And thank you to all the people who kept telling me I should.
Author: Saille
Last night, I called up the ex-roommate of the ex-fiance. Funny thing how two people can exist in the same space and not really know what the other thinks. I was under the impression that she wanted nothing to do with me, and her the same (thanks to the verbalizing of said ex-fiance). Well, at any rate, we talked for a total of two hours about almost everything and came away friends with promises to keep in touch. I also learned more about said ex-fiance and can now say, I’m slowly reaching the despizing point, even though I still want the best for him. It’s nice to know that I meant so much to him, that everything was the result of me and not him. Though, I guess that was a trend for a while. Apparently he found out I cheated on him after we split (nevermind the fact it was the first thing I, reluctantly, told him when I moved down here), he didn’t want kids because I didn’t, and complained about the fact I called him for some car advice and he decided to take care of the car problem himself instead of advising like I requested. Seemed he also complained about a few other times I called him for “favours”, which even she can’t believe that I would have done that. Oh well, the way the world turns is a bitch, at least I got a good laugh out of it.
i find the funniest things sometimes. went looking for a definition for an english word usage and found an essay/memo from my freshman year in h.s. it was a call to arms against the radicals feminists that make the real feminists turn over and over in their graves. it was a declaration to torture those feminists with all things male and nice till they die. i think i’ll follow up with that for the rest of my life, it sounds fun.
Ok, for all intents and purposes….Canada, specifically Montreal, at this moment, rocks! Ok, not everything went all that great, and I’m still feeling like an idiot, but I’ll get to that in a second. The shopping was awesome, and cheap too! For those who are really interested in getting awesome goth clothes for a really good price, Montreal is the place. I’ve now noted that city as my second most desired city to live in. I’ve got a new vinyl corset, a bra and garter to match, along with some really cool skirts and tops. Not to mention some really awesome post WWII steel toe British trooper boots (guess the French Canadiennes have small feet too). I met some really cool people as well and looking forward to next year. Sunday, we went to dinner at this haunted house theatre. I got some pretty amusing pictures of the tourists taking pictures of the 80+ goths hanging out outside waiting to be let in. Think of it, approx. 1,000 goths all in one city just to hang out and have fun, very much thanks to my Scotsman for inviting me. Now, on to the reason why I feel like a complete idiot….my passport was stolen the night I got there after I left it in a cab (which, the driver brought my flight stubs back to the hotel), spent the better part of Saturday trying to get in touch with the Consulate (guess what, they’re only open from 8.30-noon, slackers). Was hung up on by the taxi company because there wasn’t anyone who spoke English there and my French sucks. Etienne was nice enough to try and help me out, but that got no where. Bugged the hotel staff endlessly in the event that it made it back but was just misplaced. And this morning actually arrived at the Consulate and it was open. Was informed that getting back into the States wouldn’t be a problem, but getting out again might. Why? Because, I just got this current passport a month ago as a replacement for the one I washed last year after I returned from Italy. The woman I spoke with said that I might be limited in my travels because I’m young and I’m proving that I’m not responsible enough to have a passport (funny, the State department has my first passport because it was still in my possession, and this recent one was lost around midnight after being up since 7AM and digging through the bag it was in in the dark. Not to mention, my ticket stubs were in the passport when it was lost, so obviously my passport was in that cab and someone else is now in possession of my passport.) So, next travelling I do, I put in for a new passport, if this one doesn’t come back to me, about 6 months ahead of time, get the photocopies and have a pencil on-hand so I don’t end up in front of a Consulate window being lectured on the fact that I should have had all of those in the first place (no mention to the fact the info can be erased, or that I still have the photocopies of my first passport). At any rate, I feel like an idiot, even though it could have happened to the best of us. I just don’t think the fates like me leaving the country.
In better news, my DSL is finally working. Yah!
Ok, happy Memorial Day to everyone (the army-navy store let us off early). I know I’m the first person to knock our government and its bad decisions in regards to the use of our military….but I’d like to take this time and thank our vets for the sacrifices they’ve made, or have been forced to make, to allow us the freedom that we have. I’d also like to take this time to remind our government of what these men and women have sacrificed and to not make it a waste of their love of country by taking it away from us. I’d also like to thank the vets that didn’t get much thanks, the ones who are still living the nightmare we call Vietnam. While I can’t figure out how to justify the means based on the end, I still think they deserve our thanks the most. They’ve seen what most of us only consider to be a nightmare, and many of them still live it each time they open their eyes. I still don’t fully agree with the concept of modern war, especially when we’re not really doing much but protecting our “interests”, but thanks. We wouldn’t be fighting our government to keep our freedoms if you people hadn’t allowed us to have them in the first place. Tea anyone?
Ok, either I am in serious need to completely decimating some human, who is in desperate need of it, or I just need to hit the gym for a full on, extreme workout. Lately, I’ve been having daydreams of heated arguments, physical fights with someone and various other methods of torturing and/or harming someone. Of course, this just might mean that I am in serious need of a vacation. I’m getting frustrated at my own self for lack of verbal communication skills, lack of conflict resolve, or mainly just too much zen at school. At least I know I could never be a buddhist monk (not just because I’m female). I can’t say my anger is truly directed at any one specific human, but as a result, there are now people I am really going to have to stay away from until I resolve this inner conflict to where I won’t snap their neck upon them looking at me the wrong way. Of course, it could also be because Mercury is in retrograde, yet again, with the exception that I’m not pagan enough to follow that ‘new-agey’ belief. *shrugs* Maybe I do need a slave to order around from time to time. No, that wouldn’t be a good idea, I have too many sadistic tendencies that I might take too much advantage of that kind of situation. My Scotsman figured I just needed to go to the gun range again, but I shot down that idea (no pun intended) because I’m not exerting any physical energy with the exception of taking in the recoil. Also, I might be tempted to take my aim to more public places. I think facing a stone wall and climbing it till I conquer it might help, or taking some time to put the skates on and play a pick up game of hockey at the local rink. I know this is an inner conflict, I’m not sure why I’m having it, or seriously how to resolve it outside of physical exertion within myself. I think I need another vacation from my life, too bad I can’t run off to Europe again. That might be what I need at the moment.
i just posted something similar to a group journal i’m on:
a friend of mine’s daughter recently passed on after a long battle with cancer. i never got a chance to speak with her, but she touched me through her mother and her travel through this life. i miss her. but she is still here with us. in celtic theosophy/ology, it is seen that there is no difference between the mundane and the profane. the gods can act and interact with humans, and vice versa (should the human learn how to ‘see’), the same goes for the otherworld, where the spirits go on to live. so she is still here with us, teaching us, laughing with us, and loving with us. she was a brave young girl. may the gods keep watch.
Man, oh man. I just finished watching a relatively intense episode of Law and Order. I must say that it was well written. Basically, an ex-spec ops kills a foreigner, hides the crime with an explosion and then goes off about the guy being a “sleeper” terrorist and how he should be rewarded for killing the guy. Needless to say, Waterston’s character was well written. His closing argument revolved around how the jury would answer one question: “How much freedoms, as Americans, are we willing to give up for fear?” Very well written, right up my alley in thoughts and beliefs. And on that topic….
Today was also an intense class at school. We went over centering methods and then did some exercises on touch and centering. One of the exercises dealt with walking around the room with our eyes closed, focusing on our breathing and walking (different exercise) and finding people in the room. When we ran into someone, we were supposed to link up with them, arm in arm, and then go find other people. Once we were all linked, the instructor helped us line up so we were touching a person next to us and the person across from us. Then, he began speaking. He told us to remember that, even though we were different from the person we were touching (eyes still closed), we still shared many things. The wanting to love and be loved, the desire for our lives to be meaningful, our desire to help others and be helped by others, and various other aspects of our lives. It was a good reminder that no matter what was going on in our lives, someone with a similar problem would be seeking one of us out for help in dealing with that problem. That no matter what, we needed to be centered, to be there for that person, for us to be focused on that person and what they were saying, and for us to realize that we are not alone in our problems so that we can be there for our clients. It was very humbling and intense. Have I said it was intense yet? We spent 15 minutes in that line, breathing and sending “caring” energy to the person we were touching. Learning to open ourselves up to what others are feeling and open ourselves up to be part of them while they were there with us. Think about it, how often do we see someone, ask them how they’re doing, and actually pay attention to them and listen to what they’re saying and how they’re acting? So, my homework is to actually sit down and focus on at least one person and listen to them, focus on one thing and be there, in that moment, and experience that moment for the experience that it is. I love this!
transformation is complete, new hair colour, last piercing (for now), and a shiny new tongue stud. got to chat with the moonbird today, the pictures turned out much better than i gave myself credit for. and very much a big thanks to a wonderful moonbird for being such an awesome photographer to show me what my body does actually look like. very much appreciated. at any rate, i now have a full pair of elf ears *eg*. went to a local gun show earlier today and got some ideas on what kind of gun i want. found a couple of small ones that at least fit my hand. sometime this week, my scotsman and i are heading to the gun range to try a few out and see what i like. hmmmmmm, not much else to talk about. joked around with my scotsman this morning about “gothy points” and all that fun stuff. i can’t say i’ve ever seriously considered myself to be a goth, or a gothy type person, i’m just freakchylde. that strange mix of almost everything that somehow manages to work. but ya know, i’m starting to be much more comfortable with myself. i’ve been lucky enough to have the two most recent partners who were happy with me being me, acting like me, and dressing like me (thank you thorn and my scotsman!!!!) that seems to make the two before that seem like something out of the ordinary (david and ‘riain’, you’re putzes that don’t need to waste carbon matter with your existances). at any rate, it’s nice being able to start being me again. haven’t been me since i was 17, feels strange, yet oddly nice.
Ok, for lack of care to some certain people….I coloured my hair again last night, black and red (yeah, it’s stereotypical), but that’s not what the first statement was regarding. This is what it was regarding….David, the ex-fiance called me last night because he got pissed, mainly because he’s back in the same spot he always finds himself. At any rate, he felt the need for a bitchfest because his stepson’s father finally decided to break it to him and his “wife” that he’s seeking custody and he’s acting like this man has no right to seek custody. At any rate, I’m officially sick of being the person he bitches to, especially after he had the audacity to not trust me, then have his “wife” running all over a club informing everyone of their marriage. I’m still waiting for him to blame me for everyone knowing. So let me officially state that “EVERYONE ALREADY FUCKING KNOWS BECAUSE YOUR WIFE CAN’T KEEP HER FUCKING MOUTH SHUT!” Ok, my rant is now over.
Freakchylde's 