A note before disappearing:

I woke up from a great dream about the pup, only to quickly disintegrate back to reality. So, I’m not much of a happy camper today. I should be because I’m about to go camping. But, we’re “not in much of a hurry” so I’m still sitting at the house, at noon. Apparently there are going to be thunderstorms tonight, which doesn’t bother me, I’m going regardless. Another good thing, my new shirts from lip service showed up today and they actually fit. So, now I have a new PVC shirt and a nifty new “gothy” shirt. Those are the positives of today, which I need to increase because right now I’m extremely negative, and I shouldn’t be. I’m in the process of potentially adopting a new cat, a black one. Why? Because I honestly am giving up the fact that Alpine will come home. He’s a gorgeous cat and I highly doubt that someone is going to be honest enough to see my sign with his picture and call me. (It’s that whole misanthropy thing). I still have the chocolates that the pup gave me, need to finish eating them. Next week’s check is going to Ozzfest tickets. Seems co-worker Heather will be going, by herself – least for now, so we figured we could meet up there should be both be there alone. I’m also getting the feeling that the Scotsman is not reading this much because I’ve put so much here and none of it gets talked about. He hasn’t even congratulated me on the grove dedication yet, though, he did ask if he needed to be there for the all-nighter, which he can’t (grove policy), because I mentioned it was an all-nighter last night. I’m beginning to think I just need to start doing more on my own, outside of cleaning this house, seems it’s going to be the only way I can feel any inch of self-completion because we do nothing together anymore. This camping trip is going to be a small thing, need to start climbing again because we’ve let that fall by the way-side, again. Gods, I’m just living my own life, least, that’s what it feels like. The only difference is there’s someone else willing to pay for stuff, which is leaving me feeling obligated to something because of the monetary investment. Separation, that is what I’m feeling, almost complete and utter separation. Partially because I’ve been turning away in my pain, it’s almost all internal right now, shutting down on almost every level. I just don’t feel anything anymore, honestly, it’s like every flutter I’ve had is gone. I manage to work myself up during the day to come home excited, and then I get here and it parks itself next to the door to be picked up on the way out. That is not how love is supposed to work. I know Jacob is right and that I do love deep down inside, but I can’t reach it right now and I really need to. Right now is not the time that it needs to be hiding. It’s a fucking pattern again, I skitzed when Thorn was going to move out here, and I skitzed – for good reason – when the idiot moved out here, and now I’m skitzing when I’m getting ready to move. When the concept was first discussed, I had no issues with it, but now it seems I am. I know it’s tied in with everything that was going on in the past few weeks, so, do I really have that many committment issues? I’m honestly thinking I am, I don’t know why because there’s never been too much of an issue, even with those of the past. They weren’t traumatizing for me, well, except for David, but I was still able to move on from that. The WB, in all her lacking wisdom, actually managed to make me do a double take yesteday. Her comment was, “We’re 25, we still don’t know who we are yet. They’re 30, by that point, most people have figured that part out. You’re still searching, don’t lock yourself down when you don’t know who you are.” Stunned me that she actually made sense for once.

On another positive note, called the Marine, he still has my number on speed dial. Guess that counts for something, doesn’t it?

I can’t quite decide if my current emotional death is the result of the pain I’m experiencing, or if it’s because my emotions are actually dead.