Month: April 2004

I will never apologize for how I feel, they are my feelings and justified as such.
I will never apologize for who I am, I accept my faults and my successes, they are who I am.
I will never apologize for someone’s inability to deal with me, that’s something they need to decide.

I will never change myself to make someone feel better.
I will never change myself so someone can deal with me.
I will never change myself to be with someone else.

Should any change be made, it will be the result of ME seeing a need for it from within.
Should any change be made, it will be because it’s beneficial to me.
Should any change be made, it will be for the advancement of me.

I will not be treated like a child. I am an intelligent adult and capable of asking for elaboration, I do not need it fed to me. I have the right way, that’s right for me. Shortcuts for one person, may not be what I wish to use, I learn through experience. I will not play games, of any sort. Points are not made with games, anger and irritation are the only products from such childish manners. I will not tolerate a desire to re-create my past, it is the past and it will not occur again.

Ok, I have to agree with luxpagani. What makes a pro-football player’s death in Afghanistan any more newsworthy than the deaths of those who were just regular people who joined up? Is it the 3.6 mil contract he gave up? What about all the “menial” things that others have given up in being deployed over there?

Sometimes I do wonder.

So I’m slowly building up to the belief I’ll be able to withstand some pretty serious torture. My therapist found a couple tendons out of place in my shoulders (which would explain the crunchy sound when I straighten them overhead) and put them back into place. Seriously, I rarely, if ever, tear up from pain. I’m one of those odd people who not only have a high pain tolerance, but also too stubborn to have an emotional display to go with it. My usual response is, “Ok, that really hurts.” or some facial expression as I adjust to the pain. But no, yesterday’s session had me in tears. Mainly, because he tripped my tear ducts while working on my jaw. We discussed methods of anger management, and various things I can do to not let it build up to the point I’m having violent outbursts. I’m getting some ideas, and yes, I do need to resume my meditative schedule. The workout schedule is slowly building back up, he even gave me suggestions on which muscles to work to help out my therapy sessions. I just have to be careful on how much weight I lift. Gotta keep from yanking my collar bones out of socket again. 😛

At least my neck is popping again.

Nifty. Yesterday, I got one irritation out of the way. I was given the opportunity to say goodbye. Not in the manner of how I wanted to, but in a way that the situation allowed for, and that made me feel better in the fact that I got a chance to say it.

On the way home from Border’s last night, I got to thinking about things, and how horrid situations that might look like punishment for something turns into something that’s extremely beneficial. At some point, I’m going to write it up. Currently, I’m mulling it over in my head, trying to get a firm grasp on it.

I’m frustrated with the hotel job. I’m hoping VTN calls me about the marketing stuff soon, because I need something that will make me want to stay with them. This is the second slow week I’ve had, and I understand that it’ll happen. But when it happens on a continuous basis, I have to seek a means to provide and sustain myself. This is why I didn’t up and quit the store when I graduated. I’m a realist, for the most part, and know that I need to make sure the paycheck is always coming in. I can plan for slow months, that’s why I’m a penny pincher, but I don’t have the back-up at the moment for this. Had this happened 3 months from now, wouldn’t be a big deal, but it’s happening now. And I’m dreading Friday, because I hate being put in the position where I have to instigate the protection of myself. However, if I don’t, I’m going to end up the health club doormat. I understand why my co-worker is doing this, and I can’t blame him. But at some point, you have to learn to stop the pendulum from swinging. I’m not the cause of his habits, but he’s swinging back at me. Boy did he pick the wrong person.

In taking about 24-hours to think about it, I’ve come up with a few things that have been contributing to my emotional rollercoaster, of late.
1) I haven’t been going to kickboxing for a couple of weeks due to a separated shoulder.

2) The fact that my other shoulder is starting to separate and I still have a nice sharp shooting pain down the original separation.

3) I with-held saying the words “Goodbye, I’m going to miss you.” because an agreement gave me more time to say it. That day has come and gone, and I still haven’t had the chance to get those words out. And he’s gone.

4) At both my jobs (with leeway at one), I’m required to smile, look happy, give people what they want and deal with their bullshit. In massage, it’s not hard, because that’s when I’m doing my life’s work – helping people who are making the effort to help themselves. The issue is when I get the B.S. stuff, the small stuff (like a $1 tip for a 20 minute work-up). Seriously, tip or don’t tip. I’d rather get no tip than be handed a $1. The co-worker from hell on Friday nights isn’t helping any, either. He seems to expect everything to be given to him, and acts as though he’s in competition with me for “the most knowledgable and competent Therapist” award. If I wanted to compete with someone, I’d still be a gymnast, and I’d still kick his ass. But I’m not, therefore I don’t feel like it.
The store is totally different. I had taken up a morning/evening ritual to allow me to let things roll off me. That’s kinda run by the way-side, and the issues at the store are coming at me from all sides. It’s not just the customers anymore, it’s the energy/emotion vamp I work with, who insists on making a big deal out of everything. And I’m the middle man. I’m the “even-tempered” one who sees both sides, but she just makes excuses when I point out everything she does, in the small words she understands. Nobody is happy there, and she’s not leaving anytime soon.

5) I was given an instrument of destruction and I used it to destroy something. I was told to stop, when I really needed to get it all out. The intention was not to add to things, but given my state of mind, that’s how it was chalked up. Then had things pointed out, in a style that insinuated I “should have known that”, even if the tone wasn’t intended to be taken that way, either.

6) I’m in lots of pain, all over, not just my shoulders. I’m tired, seriously fatigued, and I don’t feel like having everything dumped on me. I’ve been doing real well at socially being me, but lately it’s taken a turn for the worse. I’ve been snappy at work, being a bit too vocal about my thoughts, being too open about things I shouldn’t be open about. I’ve enjoyed coming out of my shell, and now it’s being side-tracked.

I don’t know what’s up with me today. Found out that it is not the most intelligent idea to hand me a handpick and tell me to transplant monkey grass. After a couple of minutes, I was told to find something else to do. I’m definitely not hormonal, I could tell if that were the case. I am in pain though. Every muscle group that I’ve been working on is in pain. My shoulder has a bunch of static air going through it, my hip is sending spikes down to my feet and up into my lower back. My wrists hurt, my hands are cramping and I’m getting some fuzz in my neck where one of my new-found bony processes connects (it’s supposed to be a muscle). I’m absolutely angry and I don’t know why. Sorry, gardening does not make me all nice and happy fuzzy. I can’t stand gardening, it doesn’t calm me down, doesn’t make me feel constructive, doesn’t do jack crap for me. Give me the flame thrower and let me cut down the weeds and I’ll feel all of that. Shove my hands in dirt and I feel like I have some obligation I have to fulfill, regardless my view of it. I don’t get it. I thought I was actually on the road to being happy, I’ve had more up days lately, than down days and here I am wondering if I’m making it all up. Playing pretend in hopes that I’ll feel happy when all’s said and done. I don’t know anymore, I really don’t. I honestly wish I could wipe the slate clean, redesign the things I want, and put it all back together. Maybe this is one of the control issues my therapist and I discussed, my inability to give up control and trust others. Or maybe it’s that I feel I’ve given up too much control. 6 days a week, I’m told what to do and when to do it. Maybe I just need a vacation where I make the decisions. My space, where my word is the final word. I just don’t get it. I really don’t.

P.S. – Hellboy kicks ass.