Month: November 2002

What can be held in the face and mouth

Who am I when I remove my mask?
Well, that can be one of several things, which people slowly get to see the closer to my inner circle they get. One person I am, is this extremely caring person who will go out of her way for her friends to make sure they get what they need. Another person is a scared little girl who never got the chance to really grow up because she was too busy trying to fit into, what she felt was, what she was supposed to be, as told by everyone around her.

When do I put a mask on, and what does it look like?
I usually do this when I’m in a foreign situation, like around a lot of people and I’m the only one I know there, or there are only a couple of people I know and they are busy. In less words, whenever I am forced to be on my own. It’s usually one of power and control, like I’m actually in control of a situation I’m not, or a stand-offish one that keeps people away from me so I don’t have to interact with them.

How am I facing life?
Well, I’m now in the process of changing that through bodywork and becoming aware of the issues I have within myself. Otherwise, I kind of take it as it comes and alter my course depending on change of circumstance or change of need/desire.

What am I afraid to see?
The fact that people will have issues with who I really am and my opinions, especially if I want to invite them into my inner circle. Normally I don’t care what others think of me, but I’ve kind of been retrained in that aspect and I’m working to retrain myself out of that aspect. I need to quit fearing myself and who/what I am and how others see that. I guess that’s why it’s easier to open up via non-facial interraction (though, I think being deaf has something to do with that, too).

What do I need to say that I am holding back?
Every opinion I hold. Last week, we did neck work, and I got the scream out that my ex-fiance stuck there when he choked me. There’s much more stuck there and I’ll find a way to get it out of my throat when I figure out what needs to be said.

If I could completely let go, what sound expresses what I am feeling?
Growling, shrieking, all really, really loud sounds of anger, angst, and distress.

Poll #2

Pelvis and Abdomen:

Where in my body to I experience my “center”?

Well, honestly, it is around my belly button. Though, sometimes I think it’s a bit higher because I have a tendency to lose my balance on occassion when I’m not paying attention.

Am I at ease with sexual expression? If not, why?

I’m at ease with sexual expression, but I’m not at much ease with expression of my own physically. I have no issues with discussing my own sexual expressions, but once it moves past that, I start to close up because I have to control various urges I have out of the grace of committments I have put myself into. However, I have found that if I don’t deal with those urges in some manner, they end up over-powering me in ways that I end up not being able to control. Which sometimes leaves me in a Catch-22 because I’ll end up damned if I do, or damned if I don’t.

Am I in control of my sexual energy, or is it leading me?

At this particular point in time, which is why I chose this body part, I’m going to say that it is currently leading me and I am struggling to retain control of it out of respect and courtesy. I think I am doing quite a good job at maintaining a vestige of control, given that I have gone this long without issue and that I am currently dealing with the issues I have in a constructive manner that is healthy and respectful.

What am I afraid to face? How are my feelings twisted or confused?

Well, I know I’m afraid to face the truth of myself and who/what I am. I am trying to hold to something that I believe I can be and work within the confines I have placed myself in. Whether or not those feelings are twisted and confused is outside my scope at the moment, but I believe that I can overcome the issues I am facing and retain control of myself and my urges.

Am I in touch with my “gut feelings?”

Yes I am, often times they hurt in ways they shouldn’t

Can I let go of my rational thinking and follow my instincts?

Yes, but that would revert back to what I am afraid of facing within myself. I have made a decision and my basic instincts would lead me into an instance that I don’t want to cause or deal with. It is my rational/primal mind that is causing the conflict because what one of them wants is not what I want in the long run. I cannot give into some frivolous thing for a moments enjoyment when the long-term is put in jeopardy.

Do I let myself express my emotions?

No, I don’t. They are closed for a reason and they get me into trouble.

Am I expressing my power fully and constructively?

I’m expressing it fully but not necessarily constructively. I find I become more destructive in dealing with my anger and having the need to act out my aggressions in some way, more often than not, during sex.

What does it mean to me to be “centered?”

In homeostasis within my mind and body. Feeling complete in the moment and not in need of outside stability.

Do I breathe with my belly?

Yep, been doing Yoga and meditating for too long to not know to breathe from the center. Playing in Jr High band helped too.

ok, b-day piercing is in place….in my nose. 🙂 i also got a real good suggestion from a friend for the former engagement ring. now that i have another hole in my nose, i can use the itty-bitty diamond in a new nose screw and i can melt down the setting to make something i want, like an ear-cuff. so that’s what i’m going to do.

in other news…well, there’s not much other news, but i’m going to start attending a few of the borderpagans meetings again. the kennesaw one after work and the gwinnett one, since it’s close to me. it also seems i’ve caused a bit of confusion with a few people over some of my cryptic posts recently. so here’s the explaination: between chaos and order, there is this huge area that is varying shades of gray. in that area, the closer you get to, say, order, the stronger that pull is. like gravity, so to balance, that out in the middle, you’d need to add a bit of chaos to pull that point away from order. i am that point in the gray area, to balance me out, i tend to seek out order and chaos in varying amounts to keep me in a homeostasis between the two. i’ve found that i have lots and lots of order, but not enough chaos. that is why i am seeking out the alternative so that i may, again, become balanced. i hope that is good and satisfying to those i’ve spun into confusion.

Things are good. The concert last night was great, even though we got there late. Mudvayne was awesome, I was kind of hoping to see Taproot, but unfortunately, Tonic was listed as the opener so I allowed the Marine to skip it if he had to, so we did. But it was good spending time with him last night, every time I do I learn a little bit more about it. I find we hit uncomfortable silences often, but we seem to both be of the opinion to continue trying to get past it. He invited my Scotsman and I to go to the range next weekend. That will be cool, let off steam and introduce the two of them. Balance is a wonderful thing, order and chaos, then there’s me. *grin*

My monthly horoscope, compliments of Witchvox:

SCORPIO: Inner battles rage between emotional and mental responses. The
only zodiac sign with three aspects-the scorpion, the eagle and the
phoenix. Great depth-wants to be either an angel or a devil and can’t
really decide which one. Self controlled,
reserved and hard to ‘really get to know”. This is also the strongest
sign, so while the war may be difficult, they have the resources to win
it. And don’t ever think that a slight has been overlooked, they are
just biding their time.